Page 32 of The Regrettable Mistake

“I came to see you.”

“Why?” That one question felt like a ton of bricks buried me right there in my parents’ living room.

“What do you mean? I’m your dad. You’re my son. I’m supposed to see you. Plus, I missed you, Bud.”

My boy rolled his eyes and then rolled his shoulders back as if he was geared up for a fight. That was exactly what he was doing.

“You’re supposed to come home every night but you don’t. You haven’t come to see me in a long time. My mom cries because you don’t come home. She’s really sad when she should be happy but you keep ruining it.”

It took me a minute to understand he was talking about Steph. In my mind, Julianna had always been his mother. That had only been true the day she gave birth to our boy, though. The rest had been memories of my fantasies – how I always thought it should have been between us after she told me she was pregnant.

“I just came from the house and talked to your mom.”

“No!” My son shouted at me. “That evil woman is NOT my mom! Steph is my mom. She is my only mom and you can’t tell me she’s not anymore.”

It took four painful steps to get to my boy before I could pull his fighting, squirming body into my embrace.

“No. I don’t want you to be my dad! You don’t love us. You don’t love me. You only love her. That other woman.” It took a minute to realize he was no longer fighting me and the movements I felt were from his body shaking through the sobs he could no longer control.

What the fuck had I done to our family?

“I just came from our house where I talked to Steph, your mom.” I reiterated the last part, so he would understand she was who I had been talking about all along.

“Why do you love that lady more than us?”

“What?” I asked, not understanding.

“Why did you leave us for that lady who never wanted me?”

I picked my son up and walked him to the couch. Once we were seated with my boy cradled on my lap and his head against my chest, I squeezed him in a tight hug.

“I do not love Julianna. I made a mistake with her because from the time she became pregnant with you, there were all these dreams in my head about how perfect our little family would be. I wanted you to have a mom and a dad who loved you with all their hearts.”

“I did have that,” Den argued.

“Yeah, bud. I see that now. Sometimes, adults get confused too. I thought it didn’t count unless that love came from the two people who made you.”

“That’s dumb. Kelly’s moms adopted her. Josh has two moms and two dads and they all love him.”

I couldn’t help my chuckle. My kid was far smarter than me. “I understand that now, Son. It’s hard to give up on a dream you wished for over a long period of time. Sometimes, you don’t see that your dream changed a bit, or that it’s even better than the original. It took Julianna doing something very bad for me to realize how good Steph had been to both of us.”

“That’s dumb too. Stupid Jia ran away from us. My mom is always there.” We sat quietly a moment before he spoke again. “Except pick-ups at school. She can’t be there anymore because of all the cameras.” Denmark scrambled off my lap. “That’s your fault and Jia’s.”

“You’re right. It is and that’s why I’ve been gone. I’ve been busy trying to make sure Jia pays for the trouble she caused.”

“Are you going to pay, too?”

My heart broke even further than it ever had before. “I am already paying, buddy. It hurts me a lot not to be able to come home to you and your mom. It makes my heart hurt to know Steph can’t go to the school right now. I’m sorry that I hurt our family but I’m working to fix it.”

“What if you can’t?”

If I hadn’t been sitting, I’d probably have fallen to the floor in pure agony. It was obvious by his worried tone that Denmark didn’t think it was possible to fix the things I had broken.

“I’m going to do my best. If Stephanie can’t forgive me, then we’ll have to figure things out.”

“She is my mom. Miss Luanne said if you get divorced from Steph, she can’t be my mom anymore. I don’t want that. Why would she leave me?”

I fucked my family up so badly. Seeing the damage through Steph and my son’s eyes made me understand exactly what Steve said to me. They both suffered far more because of my actions and inactions than anyone else.

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