Page 136 of Tortured Tones

“You want me to come with you?” Flint called after me.

“Nah. Stay. Have fun. I’ll be okay.” Maybe. One day. Just not today.

I staggered back to our dressing room to grab my gear. Almost everything in our changeroom had been packed away in equipment trunks and stacked against the wall, ready for transporting to our next stop, New York. I placed my bottle of vodka on the empty table and swiped my bag off the floor. But just as I stuffed my dirty clothes into it and zipped it up, Flint charged through the door.

“Cole? Are you feeling alright?”

I swayed on my feet. “I’m trying not to feel anything or think about anyone.” Except that was all I did. Ergh! I wanted Ava erased from my head.

“How’s that working out for you?” Worry slithered through his tone as he came over and leaned his ass against the table.

“I’ll let you know once I drink this bottle.” I picked it up and took a swig.

“How about telling me now?”

“There’s nothing to tell. I’ll be fine.”

His shoulders sank two inches. “Fuck, I wish you’d stop saying that.”

“Okay then.” I slammed the bottle down next to him. Fire flared in my veins. “You want to know how I feel? I feel like shit. Ava and I should’ve never been together because of her job and her son. But no, for some fucked up reason we couldn’t stay away from each other. And now she’s paying the price for my mistakes.” I slapped my hand against my chest. “I fucking liked her, man. But I never meant to screw up her life. I’ll never forgive myself if she loses Josh.”

“Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.”

“Luther’s out to hurt her. I’ve hurt her. I never wanted to do that.”

“Cole, you didn’t do it intentionally. This isn’t all on you. Ava knew the risks. She fucking likes you too, bud.”

“It should’ve never come to this. It’s just another thing I’ve done that in the moment felt so fucking right but has turned out to be so fucking wrong.”

“We’ve all made mistakes.” He quirked his lips sideways as he took the bottle and had a drink.

“I’ve made too many.” My palpitations doubled. My breath rasped through my throat. “So many I can’t breathe. I can’t sleep. I can’t think straight anymore.”

“What are you talking about?” His brows pinched together. “What mistakes?”

All my heartache and pain bubbled to the surface and erupted like toxic ash. “Aidan. Shelby. Priah...Phil. All I’ve done is hurt and kill people.”

“Cole?” Flint shot to his feet and clutched my shoulder but nothing, no comfort, would erase the shudders coursing through my system. “We’ve all hurt people or have been hurt in the past. But you haven’t killed anyone. Stop talking shit.”

Tears burned the backs of my eyes. Nausea flooded my gut and scorched my throat. “I killed Phil.”

Flint jerked his chin back. “Um, no...I was in the car. Phil was driving.”

My chest caved and crushed my heart. “I gave him the pills that night. And a fuck load of cocaine. He was snorting blow and popping E like Tic Tacs on the pool table with Rici. When he asked me for more, we got into a fight over him using too much. I was pissed off at him for being so fucked up, an addict and a dick. He kept hounding me and hounding me and getting in my face. I gave him my stash just to get him off my back.” I closed my eyes.

That night had haunted me for years.

It had plagued my nightmares time and time again.

Me, slapping the baggie of E into his hand. Me, tossing him my vial of coke. Me, handing him a bottle of vodka to chase them down with. Me, walking away. “I never saw the two of you leaving. I would’ve never let you get in the car if I’d known. It’s my fault he was sky-high. I gave him the drugs.” A tear escaped my eye, but I was quick to flick it away. “He died because of me. I almost killed you. It’s my fault he’s gone. Phil would still be here if it wasn’t for me.”

“Oh, God.” Flint grabbed the top of my arms and burned me with an adamant gaze. “No. You’re wrong.”

“I’m not.” I shoved out of his hold and shook my head. “All I’ve wanted to do is protect everyone, be a friend, do the right thing, but everything keeps backfiring. How can I take care of Charlotte when I keep messing up?”

“Because you’re so good with her. You’ve changed. When was the last time you did drugs?”

I wiped my hand down my face and sniffled. “Um. The night Phil died.” I hadn’t even swallowed a party pill since.

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