Page 34 of Tiny Fractures

“You’re fine,” I say. “I promise. I’m not offended or anything.”

Her shoulders relax and a small smile appears on her lips. “Good, because I really do think you and Ran would make a cute couple.”

I sigh and shake my head.

“What?” she asks. “Don’t you like Ran?”

“I don’t even really know him, Vada,” I say, unwilling to tell her that a little flutter expands in my chest each time he crosses my mind or I see him, that I’ve imagined his lips brushing against mine more than once already, that I love his scent and the way his warm skin feels against mine. And I’m also not going to tell her that I’m too afraid of getting hurt and simultaneously ruining his life, because all those things have been true in the past. I’m afraid of being found out, afraid of stepping into the same traps I’ve stupidly stepped into before. There’s no way I’m going to let history repeat itself.

“So get to know him, fall in love, and boom,” Vada says, clapping her hands together.

“No, Vada. Just trust me when I tell you I can’t. I just… I just can’t,” I say, leaving her no room to argue.

Vada’s head swivels between the road and me a few more times as she searches for a way to get me to open up, but she mercifully changes the subject to tell me that she’s narrowing down her choices of colleges to apply to come fall.

She dithers between wanting to be adventurous and move to California with Zack or staying closer to home and Steve, who will be heading to Boston come September. “I don’t know; we don’t even know what will happen to us after summer,” she says, and I detect sadness in her voice. It’s obvious to me how much she cares for Steve and how much he cares for her, but the two of them are also painfully aware that long-distance relationships are hard work and the likelihood that one of them will end up getting hurt is great. Both of them have told me they’re trying to be realistic, but they’re also trying to enjoy the summer with each other and not put too much pressure on their relationship.

Vada and I are the first to arrive at Shane’s, and he takes a minute to introduce me to his dad and younger sister, Lauren, before he leads us up to his room. I notice several family portraits lining the wall along the stairs, and I stop to admire a photo that clearly depicts Shane’s parents in the middle, flanked by Shane, Lauren, and another boy who looks like a slightly younger version of Shane.

“That’s my little brother, Liam.” Shane’s tone is somber when he stops next to me. “He died almost two years ago.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I say.

Shane gives me a nod. I don’t ask any questions about his brother’s death and instead follow Shane the remainder of the way to his room, where several boxes are stacked atop each other.

“Where are Ran and Steve?” Shane asks, looking at the heavy boxes that need to be carried all the way down the stairs.

“They should be on their way,” Vada says. “Ran seemed really tired when I headed out. He’s probably just running behind.” She nudges Shane’s shoulder. “But why don’t we start loading some of this into my car?”

The three of us begin to carry some of the lighter boxes downstairs, where we’re met by Zack, Summer, Cheyenne, and Drew, who follow our lead and begin packing boxes into vehicles to make trips to Shane’s new apartment.

Ronan

I’m exhausted. After closing Murphy’s with Shane last night, I didn’t get home and into bed until well after 3 a.m. Not even four hours later my alarm screamed at me to get my ass back out of bed to help Shane move.

I dragged myself out of bed, brushed my teeth, and threw on a pair of jeans and an army-green shirt, not bothering to shower. I knew full well I would be drenched in sweat in no time flat since it promises to be a hot day—perfect for moving heavy shit.

Vada’s car was parked in front of the house when I got home, and the closed doors to Steve’s room let me know she slept over last night. I ran into her and Steve when I made my way into the kitchen, desperate to find a quick way to wake up my body.

“You look like shit,” Steve said as he handed me a full glass of water, knowing exactly what I was looking for.

“Fuck you, too,” I grumbled.

He chuckled, passing me the black jar that holds my pre-workout.

I scooped some of the powder into my water and stirred, watching the substance dissolve. I chugged the bitter liquid, rinsed the glass out, and set it back in the cupboard, always careful not to leave a mess and risk a confrontation with my mom.

“I don’t understand how you can drink that,” Vada said, eyeing me and pulling a face in disgust. “It’s so gross.” She actually shuddered, which made my lips pull into a smile.

“It gets into my bloodstream quickly and it tastes a lot better than coffee.” I shrugged. Coffee has never been attractive to me; in fact, the taste of it makes me gag. I’m weird, I guess.

We split up, with Vada informing us that she was picking up Cat to give her a ride to Shane’s house—a fact that made my heart rate increase slightly.

I catch my mind wandering toward Cat sometimes. Okay, that’s a lie. It wanders toward her a lot. Way too much, actually. It throws me off because, honestly, this is the last thing I want or need. My first and last serious relationship was when we lived in Montana the last time, and that was because things were okay. Things are mostly okay when we’re in Montana, but they’re never okay anywhere else. Since coming back to New York, I’ve hooked up with girls a bunch of times, but I’ll be damned if I get myself into a situation where I have to bring someone home with me. I can’t let someone really into my life—especially someone like Cat, who’s obviously been through some things, has experienced pain, and who deserves someone good. And that someone would definitely not be me.

***

I take my own car and follow Steve the fifteen-minute route to Shane’s house. The neighborhood that my parents’ house is in is nice, but it’s nothing compared to where Shane’s dad lives. Shane calls it “yuppie.” The homes are modern and the cars parked in the driveways are expensive, including Shane’s dad’s shiny black BMW and the little silver convertible Shane’s sister, Lauren, zips around in. A lot of young, affluent families live in this neighborhood, somehow able to afford this lifestyle.

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