Page 11 of Kissing My Soulmate

“It wasn’t something I wanted, but I don’t know, I feel like this is the right time for us. Your practice is doing well. I’m kicking ass at Magnolia. We could do this.” She clasps her hands together. “A little boy who looks like you or a girl who looks like me.”

“No, Lie. This is not what I want. You’re not going to change my mind about this.” I grab her shoulders. “You’re all mixed up because you held that baby. This feeling will pass, you’ll see.”

Lorelei shakes her head. “It won’t, baby.” That feeling didn’t pass.

“Ahem.” Claire gets my attention and then speaks. “I’m sorry, that’s got to be rough. I was engaged for two years and found out he was seeing someone else the whole time.” The waiter comes and takes our order. Once he walks away, she continues, “I started seeing a therapist. It really helped with my trust issues.”

“It helped, really?” I drain my glass and then signal our waiter for another.

Her smile is soft and sweet. “Yes, absolutely. I’m so glad I found someone and could talk to them. Purge the hurt I felt so I could move on. I mean, it’s definitely not easy, not by a long shot. I quit twice, and almost did a third time, but I didn’t and now I go once a month and I’m better for it.”

I hold up my hands. “I’m sorry this was a fucking disaster.”

“No, it wasn’t. You love her. It probably hasn’t been easy on either of you.” Claire holds out her hand. “Can I see her picture?”

Grabbing my phone, I open the photo app and hand it to her. All the pictures of her or us on my phone are PG, the good stuff is on my laptop. I continue to eat while she thumbs through my pictures. She sets my phone down and smiles at me. Claire is a beautiful woman, there is just nothing there.

“She’s beautiful and you look so happy together. I know we don’t know each other, but if she is the person you see yourself growing old with, then fight for her. If you don’t think you can do that, then let her go to find that for herself.”

The rest of our meal we talk horses and not much else, and I’m glad about that. Our waiter drops off the check and I grab it.

Claire grabs her wallet. “What’s my portion?”

“No, it’s my treat. I was a buzzkill.” The waiter grabs the check and my credit card.

She laughs, it’s a nice laugh. “You’re not a buzzkill. You are a guy who is going through a crappy time right now.” Claire leans in. “For what it’s worth, I had a good time. You really are nice.”

“Thanks.” We stand and I lead her outside. Stopping on the sidewalk I turn to her. “I hope you don’t avoid me when I come to check on Lady because of this.” I chuckle, shaking my head.

“I look forward to seeing you, and I’ll even come looking for you if I know you’re there.”

***

“What made you decide to come to therapy?” Jefferson, my therapist, asks as he adjusts his glasses.

I cross my leg, resting my ankle on the other knee. Making this appointment was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Until I walked into his office, I wasn’t sure whether I was going to show up or not.

Growing up, I was taught not to show emotions, it made you a pussy. To punctuate his words, Dad used his fists. Lorelei became my safety net to do it. Although, lately, I’ve been a little freer sharing them with others.

“Jasper?”

I focus back on Jefferson. “My first memory of my dad is him bouncing my mom’s head off the kitchen floor and me grabbing my baby sister and hiding in my closet. He liked to use his fists to make a point, and he only stopped when I got big enough to fight back. Then it was his words. When that began, Mom and Jamie had already been gone five years.”

Crossing my arms, I take a deep breath. “From the time I started dating, I knew I was never going to have children. I didn’t want his poison rubbing off on me. When I met my wife, she felt the same way. From the age of two until eighteen she was in the foster care system.”

“That’s understandable, two people who don’t have good parental role models making a decision to break the cycle,” he says.

I shake my head. “Except, she’s changed her mind. A friend of hers had a baby and she went to see it, she’s held lots of babies, but something happened this time. She said she felt this longing and suddenly she wanted us to have a baby.”

“That can happen, and it’s a lot more common than you think. I take it you haven’t changed your mind?”

“No, and now my marriage is over and I really don’t want it to be, but I just don’t think I’ll ever change my mind.” God, that makes my heart fucking ache. “She deserves to be happy. If she wants a baby, she should be with someone who can give her one.”

We talk for a little bit more and then my session is over. “For next time, I want you to think about a time when you were the happiest. I also want you to think of a time you were at your lowest. We’ll get into that next time.”

I stand and take his offered hand. “Okay, yeah. I can do that.” Out front I schedule my next appointment.

I’m not sure what I hope to get out of this, but it can’t make me feel worse than I already do.

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