Page 34 of Better Than Expected

She looked to Hannah for the final call, and she let out a deep breath and nodded.

Abbie frowned as she stood and informed Hannah as she wiped at her eye with a tired fist, “Caroline says – she said that if you two break up, that me and her aren’t.”

Like another punch right to the stomach and it left her breathless, just barely holding back the compounding of tears.

She waited until she heard the sliding door of the den close, before she asked, “Breaking up?” Hannah’s throat felt scratchy and even though it wasn’t even eight in the morning, she felt like she’d already had the longest day. “Is that… are we…? Because I–”

She broke off, wrapping her arms around her waist as she leaned against the wall. How did she put it all together in words, everything in her head?

“We aren’t. I don’t think.” Caroline murmured, placing her coffee mug on the stair next to her as she rubbed her temple. “But, I’m struggling with the idea that I want these things and I want them with you, and they’re all things that you don’t want… with me.”

Hannah closed her eyes as she raked her hand through her hair, anxiety making her movements jerky.

“And I keep wondering what I can do differently?” She narrowed her eyes in desperate thought. “I try not to push you because I understand how life was with Michael. And I know you were reluctant to start us because of Abbie, so I wonder if maybe that has something to do with it?” Caroline continued, seeming like she was almost talking to herself.

And Hannah could only shake her head.

Because at this point, it wasn’t. It wasn’t about Abbie.

Abbie had been her biggest reason to not give into these feelings in the beginning, and that fear was real. But now, almost a year into it, confirmed for Hannah a few things. Especially Abbie’s parting words –

That Caroline was the kind of person who wouldn’t stop talking to Abbie if things went wrong for them.

“It’s about me,” she said, her voice low. “It’s all – it’s me. There’s nothing you can do differently.”

There wasn’t. Because Caroline was, as far as Hannah was concerned, as perfect as a person could be.

She started to pace slightly, feeling like everything inside of her was going a little haywire, and needed an outlet, as she started to ramble.

“Caroline, I only learned how to live independently a few years ago. I only reached a place of total independence, where I don’t fall back and rely on someone else for any problems and for things to be handled for me in some way a year ago, after the divorce.”

“I’m not trying to steal your independence,” Caroline said, her voice exasperated and near to begging. “I told you, last Christmas, that I–”

“It’s not about you and the way you love me, Caroline,” the words erupted from her throat, finally. In a way she’d never been able to really get out from her head. “It’s not about that beautiful, somehow dependable and exciting at the same time, totally encompassing and special… love.” She didn’t know when her tears had fully formed in her eyes, but she felt them drip down her cheeks at just how overwhelmed she could be by the intensity and strength of Caroline’s love for her.

Because, it was overwhelming. It was beautiful and good and special, and… so much. So scary, even, to be loved in that way.

“Then what is it?” Caroline tentatively reached out to touch her shoulders and look her in the eye, and there were tears in her eyes, too. Those perfect dark eyes.

“It’s me,” she confessed, her throat feeling so raw. “It’s me, Caroline. And the way I love you.”

She should pull away from Caroline, she knew it, but she just didn’t have the strength to. She didn’t have to strength to move away from Caroline’s, and wasn’t that just the issue? The irony of it made her laugh, humorlessly, as she continued, “I fell into my life with Michael, and I know that so much of what happened wasn’t my fault. Technically. I know that.”

Especially with the therapy she’d had since the end of the marriage, that had helped her logically come to an understanding that it wasn’t her fault. She still struggled, though, which was something she was still working through with her therapist.

The therapy she’d gotten thanks to Caroline.

The thought made her jerk back and away from the woman she wanted to lean on more than anything. She felt cold, she dimly registered, with the distance. With any distance.

“But, I allowed it to happen,” the root of so many of her fears worked itself out in the world, in a terrified whisper. “I got to that point of dependence on Michael because it was so easy to just know that so many things could be taken care of. And that was with Michael!” Hannah drew her hands through her hair, choking on her breath as the desperation to make Caroline understand her took a tight hold.

She stared into dark eyes that watched her. They weren’t accusing or angry or anything bad in any way, they were the polar opposite of the way Michael looked at her, and, “With you? You? You could handle every issue that ever came my way, you could pave the entire road for us before I even see how deep the bumps go. You’d do it easily and selflessly and because you love me. And I love it.” She nodded with the passion in her words, feeling it lace through her veins, even as she had to wipe at her eyes again. “You would do anything for me, and it’s who you are.”

“But I am terrified that I will want it. That I will let it happen. No relationship I’ve been in – or even imagined – is the way it is, with you. Healthy and full and real and I…” she trailed off, feeling helpless. “I trust you, completely. I do. You would never want me to be less independent, you would never want me to be less than everything I can.” Hannah knew that. She knew that was true, with every fiber of her being.

Caroline nodded at the sentiment, both vehemently assuring and looking so confused.

“I know you love me so much. I know you do; I feel it all of the time. And I’m sure you maybe think and feel that you love me more than I love you, but it’s just not true.” Her eyes rolled up to the ceiling, trying to blink back these tears now that just kept falling, irrepressibly. God, she didn’t remember the last time she’d felt like this, so emotionally uncontrolled. “The way I love you? Is terrifyingly huge, Caroline. Way bigger than I know how to show you. It’s just… it’s me I don’t trust.” She repeated, this time the words feeling like a real confession. “Not yet.”

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