Page 32 of Better Than Expected

Especially not when she felt everything, so messy and big inside.

“I – it’s…” She pressed her hands against her stomach, hoping the action would help settle it. It didn’t. “It’s not that I don’t want you or us, or this,” she was able to say, quickly, and that was the utter truth. A burning, serious, desperate truth.

But her other truth was undeniable. “I just don’t believe in that,” she whispered.

Caroline faced her, looking for all the world like she was braced for something. “Don’t believe in what, exactly?”

“That…” Hannah licked her lips, her hands fluttering uselessly in front of her. “That happy ever after, together forever, kind of thing.”

“You don’t?” Caroline asked, her voice low and vulnerable.

Hannah swallowed hard, hating the sound of doubt in Caroline’s voice. Her stomach tangled with anxiety of this conversation, over the way she felt, over what it might mean for them, and over the idea of this hurting Caroline when it was the very last thing she wanted. God, it was enough to make her want to be sick.

“I don’t. I just – I got married to Michael and I was young and naïve and I…” she trailed off, waving her hands in front of her as if they could explain what she was feeling. God, she hated getting like this!

She heaved a deep breath, aggravated at herself, as she raked her hands through her hair. Calm, be calm andthink. It helped her find the words a few moments later, keeping her voice low, if a bit strained with the distress she felt. “I believed in people being together forever, then. When I got married to Michael. I did. I was swept away with the romance of it all.” She could see it clearly in her mind, and she shook her head at her past self, disgusted and embarrassed. “But I learned very quickly that it was all – it’s all… it’s just something to believe in. Some sort of fairytale.”

The look on Caroline’s face was so crestfallen and disappointed, it cracked something in Hannah’s chest that she didn’t know she even had anymore. The silence between them made Hannah’s heart race, her stomach bottom out, and she didn’t think she’d ever felt this nervous with Caroline. Never.

“Then what are we doing here?” Caroline asked softly, dark eyes looking up into Hannah’s, searching.

And Hannah’s heart tripped and a sickening dread took a chokehold at the implication of her words. “I… we – we’re together. We love each other and we…” With the pounding of her blood in her ears and her anxiety notching up even higher, her throat grew too tight to push out words.

She totally floundered, especially as Caroline nodded, seemingly to herself.

“Right,” Caroline’s voice was so quiet, it barely reached Hannah’s ears. “Okay.” She didn’t make eye contact with Hannah, though. Instead, her eyes were trained over Hannah’s shoulder, her eyebrows drawn down low and crinkled, as she continued to nod. “Right.”

“What does that mean?” She asked, voice just louder than a breath, but it was all she could manage.

“It means,” Caroline rubbed her palms over her eyes, hard, before releasing and taking a deep breath. “It means, that I want the forever. I want to get married. I want these things, and I want them with you. So, I think I just need a minute to reconcile some things.”

Hannah’s breath left her completely, her throat feeling like it was grabbed in a vice grip. What did it mean?

No words left her, though, before Caroline quietly said goodbye and shut the apartment door behind her.

***

What in the world did a minute mean?

Hannah wondered it all night.

***

Her eyes snapped open before seven in the morning the next day, after only three hours of a fitful sleep.

The thing was, she was so unfamiliar with the feeling in her stomach. In her chest. Like she was going to be sick, aching like she was missing something. Something precious and warm.

Something like Caroline.

Groaning, she rubbed at her eyes and slipped into her robe. “Abbie, honey?” She spoke softly as she lightly knocked on the door. It was early for a Sunday, but Abbie was often awake just as early as she was. “I have work in an hour.” It was the occasional weekend that she would still pick up a shift at The Bean Dream. “And I’m going to drop you off at–”

She caught herself before she said Caroline’s name. Should she still do that? Bring Abbie over to her on their routine Saturdays? They weren’t broken up, right? How would she explain that to Abbie?

God, the double-hit of the thought made Hannah close her eyes so tight and force in a deep breath.

Shaking herself out of it, she opened the door slowly. “Honey?” She asked a little louder. “I’ll make you something for breakfast. Sunday morning waffles?”

And still, silence in the dark room.

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