Page 31 of Better Than Expected

Caroline was still giving her a slightly doubtful look with that slight arch of an eyebrow. Before she nodded and held out her hand for Hannah to take.

She did.

They really hadn’t done this before, it occurred to her as Caroline’s hands fell to the small of her back. Their bodies aligned easily, and Caroline was leading her, in one fell swoop. Hannah rested her hands at the back of Caroline’s neck, toying with the soft hairs that had escaped her updo.

They hadn’t danced like this before, she thought again, sighing in contentment as they moved easily. She’d never been led in a dance by someone that was shorter than her, she registered, with a little smile.

It fell a bit when she angled her head down and saw Caroline looking at her parents with that weird look on her face again.

Hannah’s stomach sank.

***

Hours later, when they’d returned to her apartment and Abbie had completely zonked out from the night out, Hannah took a second to lean against the doorway as she stared at her daughter.

She used to do this when she needed to find her core and take some strength. It didn’t really help at the moment, as she turned and went back to the kitchen, where Caroline was making them both a cup of tea.

Squeezing her eyes closed, Hannah just pushed the words out, “What’s going on?”

Caroline hummed, as she finished typing something on her phone, before looking up at Hannah with a little grin. “Nothing, I was just making a note that you’re almost out of sugar. I’m going grocery shopping tomorrow, so I’ll just grab you some.”

It would be so easy to drop it now. So easy! She wanted to. She really wanted to. When her life was going well, she didn’t want to change it. And she knew change could lead to good things – their relationship being a great example – but it unnerved her.

But, as per her therapist’s words, her default setting was often to cope in situations even when she knew they weren’t quite right. And it was something she’d been focused on not doing ever since leaving Michael.

Taking in a deep breath and rolling her lips to gather herself for a moment, she shook her head.

“No, not about sugar. Or tea. I mean… what’s going on with you? There’s – there’s…” Cursing herself, she cleared her throat. “There’s just been a look on your face sometimes. In the last few weeks, but before that, too. Maybe not as much, before that? But, it’s there. There’s something there.”

It was the best she could do, and she blinked at Caroline as she bit at her lip, because Caroline understood her. She knew she did, even if she wasn’t eloquent.

The way Caroline’s movements as she finished steeping the tea slowed but didn’t entirely stop, the way her head tilted down in acceptance and acknowledgement at the words… she knew it.

It ate at her, the anxiety filling her.

Caroline braced her hands against the counter and drew in a deep, deep breath through her nose.

“Okay. I didn’t realize I was that easy to read.” Her attempt at the joke wasn’t good, and they both knew it.

“I don’t know how to break it to you, but when it comes to everything not including work, you’re about a middle school reading level for me.” And she was approaching elementary school level as the months went by.

They stood in silence for long moments as Caroline turned around and leaned against the counter, tilting her head back as she faced the ceiling. The obvious tension in her shoulders, even from feet away, made Hannah’s own body tense.

“I’m not saying this to push you or rush you into anything. But I guess in the last few weeks, I’ve been really thinking about… where we’re going.”

“What do you mean?” Hannah asked, her throat running dry immediately.

Caroline pushed herself off of the counter, starting an agitated pace across the limited floorspace.

“I mean, whenever I bring up the future or us getting more serious, it’s like I’m hitting a boundary with you. You like us the way we are–”

“I do,” she was quick to interject, her heart starting to hammer in her chest. “I do. I love you, I love us. I don’t want to lose you.”

It was the absolute truth. Such a truth, Hannah felt it with every breath she took.

“But, do you want a future with me?” Caroline’s words were firm, but quiet. They were unyielding, and knocked Hannah’s breath from her lungs. It aligned right with the look in her eyes, that intense, passionate look. “Because I want that. I want the future. You know? The future.” A beautiful, heartbreaking, fleeting smile flitted over her face. “The one where I can talk about you and Abbie moving in with me sometime in the relatively near future, the one where I can say with confidence that no, we aren’t getting engaged soon, necessarily, but sometime in the future, yes. So I can say that when my family asks me – because they do ask – and know that it’s actually the truth. The future where I can say that I want to be with you forever and not have that look cross your face. That look, right there,” Caroline quickly pointed at her.

Hannah hadn’t even realized she had been making any face, but she knew Caroline wasn’t making it up.

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