Page 39 of Their Queen

My guilt was unwarranted, and yet, I still felt it deep within my soul, which ached for what Rhowyn was finally realizing. If I could have prevented her from seeing what she had, I would have. But somehow, I had a feeling that was just another part of the journey that Rhowyn needed to go through. Everything she had faced up until now?that we had all faced?had brought us to this point.

The pot was boiling, and it was just a matter of time now until it was ready to either burn down into nothing or become the start of a beautiful life together. We just had to make it through this first.

I watched Lennox’s lips move, speaking softly into Rhowyn’s ear as she rode in front of him. If anyone could pull her from that darkness, it would be him. He’d lived within it for so long that it was a miracle in and of itself that he hadn’t caved and became just as rotten as his mother. It wasn’t due to a lack of effort on her part because he had witnessed too many atrocities while living in Cashel Ri with her. It came down to his strength of spirit and fortitude, his unwillingness to become the very thing she wanted most from him?a monster.

Looking at the two people I loved most in this world, I knew I’d do anything to protect them. Just a couple of months ago, I had lost all hope that I’d ever be able to rescue my people, that I’d ever become more than the broken shell of a man that Titania had reduced me to. The two of them together had rescued me and my people when they entered my life.

The gates swung wide as we drew near, all of us subdued and sullen even though we had saved one village. It was a small win, but we had suffered a greater loss on the heels of it, and it felt wrong even to think of celebrating. That, and all of us consorts were worried about Rhowyn, still so lifeless and broken. My sister greeted us as we neared the stables, but one look at us and she held in her joy at seeing us all return. She knew better than to ask, thankfully. We’d explain it all later, but right now, I was more concerned about Rhowyn’s state of mind.

I dismounted and strode up to Lennox, taking our girl from him and cradling her in my arms. Taking the stairs two at a time, I rushed to her room, not waiting for the others to follow. Already, I could hear their footsteps as they trailed behind me, my longer legs eating up the distance a lot more quickly than they could. I pushed the door open and deposited her on the bed. Anger rushed me at the thought of having to do this one act too many times to count, and I prayed that this would be the last time I had to carry her for anything other than pleasure.

Brushing her hair back from her face, I leaned down and kissed her forehead, my lips lingering as the others finally joined us. “Still nothing?” Baer asked, his worry evident in his pinched brows.

I pulled back and shook my head. “I’m not sure how to help her through this,” I admitted.

“We just need to all be here for her. We won’t leave her side until she comes back to us,” Arryn said, just as at a loss as we all were.

With that decision made and since no one offered up a better solution, we all piled into bed with her without concern for the fact that we were all filthy. I pulled her into my arms, and Arryn lay on her other side. Brannoc climbed in behind Arryn, and Lennox found my back while Baer lay near her legs. Each of us touched her, needing the assurance that she was here, even if she was currently broken.

Slowly, each of them drifted off, but I couldn’t. I stared at the curve of her nose, her lashes on her cheek, the slight smattering of freckles on her face. I studied her until I could recite the location of each line and spot on her olive skin, all the while praying to Avalonia. The rhythm of everyone’s breath in sleep was a melody that should have soothed my nerves but grated on me instead. Each inhalation and exhalation was just another moment when Rhowyn wasn’t with us?that she wasn’t present. This shell of a woman lacked everything I loved about her. Her fire, her passion, her teasing words and kind actions, her soul. Somewhere deep inside that beautiful mind of hers that delighted in vexing me at every turn was the woman I loved.

I closed my eyes, desperate to try anything to pull her from that abyss, finding the bond that connected us. Following that line all the way into her, I pushed my devotion and love at her, willing her to feel it all. The light she had recently discovered was dim under the weight of what she had seen, and I pushed what little light I had down our connection. If she was lacking that joy and fire, I would give it to her. I’d give her everything I had.

After a few minutes, I felt another surge of light and calmness. Then more. Opening my eyes, I found the others awake and joining me, my eyes watering at their devotion, which mirrored my own. This was why I had no problem sharing. They cared for her just as deeply as I did. They wanted her to be happy and to keep her safe. We might disagree about the best way to do that from time to time, but when it mattered, she could count on all of us.

Her lashes fluttered on her cheeks, a small gasp escaping her lips. Then she curled into me, fisting my shirt in her hand as she pressed her forehead against my chest. She began shaking, crying again silently as she let all of that pain out. I squeezed her tight into my embrace, rubbing her back with my hand as I tried to ease her distress.

The others also reached out, running their hands in soothing patterns along her body as she poured out her distress. None of us moved or spoke until her sobs quieted and her body quit shaking.

“What did they do to deserve that?” she asked, her voice cracking and hoarse from her sobs and screams from earlier. She didn’t look at any of us, just kept her head buried in my chest. There wasn’t an answer sufficient to that question. She already knew the truth. They’d done nothing to deserve what Titania had done. “How does someone reach that point of evil? How does someone become so broken?” she whispered out again.

We were all quiet for a moment, unsure how to answer that. It was like asking the meaning of life. There was never a single answer, never just one thing that could explain the complexities of such a concept.

Finally, Lennox’s voice spoke from behind me as he raised up on an elbow to gaze over my shoulder at her. “I’m not sure where she went wrong. For as long as I can remember, she’s been this way, but I’ve heard stories of when she was first Chosen. She wasn’t this person that we see now. Somewhere along the way, something twisted her, and she didn’t have the strength that you have. She succumbed and then became the thing that caused pain. She became nothing more than anger. She began searching for more power, but it was never enough to fill the void that she had been left with.

“I think we all have that chance to fall into the darkness, to let it twist us until we become the monsters we fear, but what keeps us from that is love and hope. We actively make the decision to let light in. Even when we are inundated with evil, we choose not to embrace it. I think that’s the difference between us. She gave up a long time ago, but you haven’t. You kept fighting, refusing to fall prey to hopelessness. You chose to let us in, to let us love you.

“Titania either didn’t have that, or she pushed it away. I can’t change the choices she’s made or the destruction that she’s wrought, but I can be the light for you. We all can. We can show you that even through the darkness, there is always something left to live for, to fight for.”

Lennox’s words struck me deeply, and Rhowyn curled up in my arms tighter, her fist clenching until her knuckles turned white. She was having trouble facing the truth of what he’d just said. She needed more than just the words; she needed us to show it to her. She needed us to love her.

Chapter Twenty Eight: Rhowyn

They were all here. All pushing love and light down our bond, but it was overwhelming. I was too raw, too sensitive after everything I just witnessed. The memories flashed across the backs of my eyes again, and I couldn’t get the image of those tiny bodies out of my mind. No matter how tightly I squeezed my eyes closed or how much I tried to ignore it, it was always there. I remembered riding behind Lennox, numb to my grief and pain, in shock at the evil I had seen. It hadn’t felt real, like I was apart from myself, a distant observer to my mind breaking.

I remembered Callum carrying me into my room and all of the guys lying down next to me, each of them touching me. Until Callum started pouring his feelings down the bond, I had been desensitized to it all. And now, it was all too much again.

A part of me prayed for the bliss of numbness again. I wanted to run away, to not admit that she had punished those children for nothing more than being present as she made her way to us. I was the focus of her wrath. I should have been the one to pay that price. But I wasn’t. I was just the catalyst for their demise. I was responsible for everything. “It’s all my fault,” I admitted to them, my voice scratchy and almost foreign as I spoke into the silence.

Immediately, I was met with vehement denial and anger from the bond, and I curled further into Callum to get away from the emotions. “You are not to blame,” Callum spoke between gritted teeth, his arms tightening around me until it was almost too painful to bear.

I sobbed out a laugh. “It’s my fault that she felt the need to raze their village to nothing, to slaughter them all. If I hadn’t pushed her, they would have lived,” I argued. Nothing they could say would convince me otherwise.

“Look at me, Princess,” Lennox spoke again. If any of them could understand, it would be him. I didn’t know if I had the strength to face him, but my eyes opened of their own volition. When he had my attention, he said, “She would have done this with or without you. If nothing else, they died knowing that someone was standing against her. That someone was fighting for their friends and family. There’s peace in that. You gave them hope even as they passed. Sometimes, that’s all we can give someone. We can’t change how others act, but we can change how we react.”

“Let us be your strength,” Baer cut in, drawing my gaze to his, more tears leaking from my eyes as I saw the sorrow there. “You have been there for all of us, in one way or another. You have been our hope, our salvation, our light in the darkness. Now, let us be that for you,” he begged me, and oh, how I wanted to let them be.

I wasn’t strong enough on my own. Not right now. I needed them. Needed what they were offering me. Unable to speak anymore, I simply nodded in answer. Baer gave me a sad smile before kissing my bare stomach where my shirt had ridden up to expose my midriff. His love poured down the bond, nearly suffocating me at the intensity of it. My eyes drifted closed as I focused on the feeling of it.

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