Page 57 of I Still Love You

“You’re the one that bailed,” Luke clarifies. He shakes his head, his face taking on a pained expression. I realize now what’s happening. Luke isn’t trying to knock me down with his usual comments about our past. He’s trying to move through the pain I caused. He’s trying to get to a place where he can heal, and it starts by having a conversation neither of us truly wants to have. “I loved you, Layla. I proposed to you because of it. Because I couldn’t see myself living out my days unless I had you.”

Why did my dad have to die? Why did I have to leave Quaint? Why did I run from the one man who lit up my world and filled my heart with longing and love?

“I’ve never connected with anyone as much as I have with you. We spent every fucking spare minute we had together. You were there for me when Mason and Mackenzie moved to Austin, and I wanted…” He trails off when his voice breaks, and it destroys me. My ribs cave in, my heart seizing with a pain I’ve only ever experienced one other time.

He looks up at the sky and shouts, “Fuck!”

I attempt a step closer because I want to comfort him. I hate seeing him break in front of me. “Luke.”

He holds up a hand. “No, Layla, I need to get this out.”

“Okay,” I whisper, pulling my arms to my chest, my nails clawing at my elbows with guilt and unease.

Our eyes lock, and it almost knocks me off my feet. Crisp emotion draws onto his face, the corners of his lips pulling into a frown and his eyebrows mimicking the action. “I wanted to be there for you. When your dad died, I wanted to be the one to hold you and try to make things the best they could be considering the circumstances. You stole that opportunity from me and fled. You gave away my chance without asking how I’d feel about it. You didn’t answer my calls, deleted your social media, and told your family not to tell me where you were. Not only that, but I got down on one knee, and you said yes. Are you aware of how much that fucking broke me?”

“When you proposed, I was all for it. I was so in love with you, with everything about you, and then my dad’s accident happened. He had a stroke that caused a car accident and died, Luke. God, you know how unexpected it was and that he was already gone by the time the paramedics arrived.” My chest aches at the thought of my dad, and the way he was always so supportive of Luke and I’s relationship. He looked at Luke as if he was a part of the family before he proposed. It kills me that the world took that from us. One minute he was driving down the freeway on his way home from work, and in the next, he was gone. It happened that quick, the doctors in the E.R. said, that even if the paramedics would have arrived sooner his heart wouldn’t have had the strength to beat again.

“I tried my best, but the truth is that I just didn’t have any more to give. There were constant reminders of what I lost here. Thinking about getting married after the fact was even worse. How the hell could I walk down the aisle without my dad?” Tears build behind my eyes, pooling in the corners. Swiping away the wetness from my cheek when one falls, I look up at him, and the second I do, he crosses the space and crushes me into a hug.

“You should have let me be there for you. Fuck, we didn’t have to get married right away, Layla. That could’ve come later. All I wanted was to just be with you. To support you. To love you.”

“It’s not just that. I couldn’t fathom the thought of losing another person I loved so much. That thought was a constant loop in my mind, what lived underneath my dad’s death and our engagement. I lost a piece of myself when he died, and I couldn’t risk the same thing happening with you or my heart.”

Luke moves his palm over my cheek and rubs his thumb along the dampness of my skin. His eyes flick between mine, and an awareness settles around us. “You killed us off before either of us could lose the other.”

“Because I didn’t want to go through that pain again.” I bring my hands up to my face to wipe the gumminess the weather’s causing and run my fingers through my hair. “Knowing how bad love can hurt when people leave us, I didn’t want to…” I shake my head and curl my bottom lip into my mouth to keep it from quivering. “The thought of potentially losing you one day was too much. At that time, especially.” I grab his hand and flatten his palm against my chest where he’ll feel my racing heart. “Our love was more than my heart could endure. At least if I walked away, you’d still be here. But I was wrong. I lost out on more by walking away tha—

Luke grabs my face. He pushes me until my back hits the side of the car. His palms warm my cheeks, and his lips crash into mine. It’s the most bittersweet kiss he’s ever given me.

Silky smooth, his mouth moves over mine slowly, and it only adds to the energy between us. I move my hand to his chest, gripping his t-shirt, and tug him closer because I never thought I’d taste this man’s lips again. It only makes my soul eager for more.

There’s never been another man like Luke Sacks.

There never will be.

I sacrificed my happiness because I loved him so damn much. And I’m tired of it. Tired of losing out on what feels so good because I’m afraid of heartbreak. This all-consuming need to have all of him fills the corners of my heart, releasing it from the depravity it’s felt.

As if there’s a fire that needs putting out, his hands roam my body, moving from my face to settle along my hips. I’m half tempted to jump into his warm embrace so I can be closer when he squeezes me, but then he skims his palms up my sides, scrapes his fingernails along my bare shoulder, and threads his fingers through the hair at the nape of my neck.

His tongue pushes between my lips, and it serenades me with the way it languidly runs along my own. Like I did years ago when he kissed me for the first time, I fall and eat up every bit of emotion that builds with our connection. It’s no surprise when his soft movements harden, when his teeth sneak over my lower lip.

The tiniest of whimpers edges up the back of my throat. Years of not getting to touch one another have us both bending backward to get more.

It doesn’t feel like we’ve had enough when he slows and pulls away. Short raspy breaths leave our mouths.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes. “Fuck. I shouldn’t have done that. You taste just how I remember. Better, even.”

“Luke,” I whisper hoarsely, then ask what I imagine we’re both thinking but too afraid to say. “What does this mean, moving forward? Are you still done?”

When he drops his hands to my waist, his eyes aren’t as tormented as they were moments ago. It’s almost like our kiss cured the apprehension and hatred he was holding onto. “You don’t need to convince Andrew that you’re in a relationship anymore. Shit, I’m still not even sure why you had to. That ship has sailed, Layla. And I—” His lips fold into his mouth, and he clears his throat. “I’ve held a lot in over the years, and it gave me a scar on my forehead and a one-way ticket to possible jail time. I need to distance myself from the drama. I need to focus on myself.”

I get why he needs to walk away, but I hate it. These last few weeks of seeing him have been a gift, one that I’m not ready to let go of, but how do I say that? How do I tell him I want him to stick around?

I can’t.

Not after all he’s revealed tonight.

I nod my understanding and relish in the affection of him reaching for my hand, twining his fingers in mine, and holding tight. “Are you okay driving home?”

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