Page 76 of I Choose You

“Then what’s holding you back?”

Owen’s inquisitive questions always get me. I both hate and love how they make me reflect on my life and the person I am. I’m so glad he walked into the shelter with his grandmother, even happier he showed up at the club when he did. Without him, I would be an even bigger mess than I am now. He’s the voice of reason between the four of us.

I nibble at my lip, tugging the dry skin into my mouth and peeling it back. I quickly shake my head, silently telling him I don’t want to go there.

“Isn’t this the reason you have us all here? To work through what’s going on in that head of yours?”

It is, but I haven’t voiced what I’m currently thinking with any of them. Yes, Luke knows my past. He was there for me through my hardest days, keeping a smile on my face when all I wanted to do was cry. Mason, too. Owen knows the essence of my worries. Nelly isn’t as fortunate with the details, but I know she wouldn’t judge. It’s the act of getting it out, of actually saying it, that scares the living hell out of me. To put in words all the things I have running through my head…

Nelly moves her hand over mine. “We’re here for you. Whatever you need.”

Luke grumbles from behind her. He’s upset over the situation. Having to choose between two of the people he loves most in his life is taxing. “She’s right, Kenz. We got your back.”

I nod and look down at my fingernails. The urge to pick them apart until there’s nothing left but cuticle consumes me. I have never felt this out of sorts before, not even when my father moved out when my parents initially separated. Hope still lived in me then.

But now?

This is the first time Mason and I have parted ways on such rocky ground, and it tears me apart. My chest twinges in pain when I think of being in his arms. If he were here, he would have been the first I ran to. His comfort would be enough to quell the rubber band of nerves. His kisses would numb my body from the side effects of an early pregnancy. His kindness would dry the emotion wanting to wet my cheeks.

I breathe deeply, knowing I’m going to choke on my vulnerability. “I can’t—I won’t be able to…” A weight sits on top of my chest as I try to get the rest out. “What am I supposed to do if he chooses to walk away?” My face falls at the thought of Mason dismissing his unborn child and me.

Is this what my mother felt like when my father left? When she found out he was creating a family with a new woman?

“What?” Luke’s footsteps are heavy as he approaches the table. He hasn’t sat down once since I asked him to meet here. He’s been pacing the length between the island and stove. “You think Mason would forget about the two of you?” It comes out pained, his voice ragged and half stunned. My worst fear rips through Luke, and anguish seeps from his words, causing his voice to shrink. “How could you ever think he would do that?”

Nelly’s compassion comes through as reaching over to squeeze my forearm. “Oh, Mackenzie.”

Owen remains quiet. This is all his doing. He urged me to say it, and now he doesn’t have a damn thing to say? It was only days ago that Owen struck me with the realization of how similar I am to my father, the man who left my mother to raise me on her own. I have to work through knowing I resemble the one person who hurt me the most. And now I’m in a predicament where I’m the bad guy, where I’m him. If the fears he sparked to life hadn’t won, I would be with Mason in Austin, sitting at a dinner table with him, knowing damn well that our unborn child would definitely have two parents who always planned to be around.

But that’s not my reality.

This is.

My father’s skating away caused damage to my heart and head, so much so that I assumed my best friend—a person who has always been there for me and is as caring as my father was ignorant—would bail on his baby and me.

Luke feels the need to press on, and it’s the reason Owen remains quiet. Mason isn’t here to defend himself, and Luke is the next best person for the job. “Mackenzie.” Him saying my name catches my attention. “Do you hear what you’re saying?”

I do. My fears are molding Mason into a horrible person. I hate it as much as he does.

“You think Mason, someone who is there for you, for both of us, would bail on you and my niece or nephew?” He squints, and I know he doesn’t mean for it to sound so harsh, but it does. “I never realized how fucked up your father’s absence affected you when he ditched you and your mom. Not everyone is Julius Jones.” He presses the heel of his hand to his eye, pushing against the stress of the evening. I squeeze my eyes shut and block out my father’s name. I never say it. It makes him too real, too tangible.

“My God, you’re casting Mason in the same light as him, and you haven’t even given him a chance to show you the way he’ll be there for you.” He takes another step toward me, and I frown. “Your mom gave your father a choice. He knew she didn’t have an issue with him being involved. She gave him the opportunities. I remember. Maybe not the important bits, but I recall all the times you hoped for him to show, and he never did. Just because he never did doesn’t mean you can give Mason the same title without giving him the same opportunities and chances that Della gave Julius. Give them to him and let him decide what to do with them. Don’t decide for him.” He blows out an exasperated breath. “He doesn’t need to be here for me to know there’s no way he’d ever turn his back on either of you. Not in his lifetime, and sure as hell not in mine.”

I press my lips together, unable to find the words to say. It’s not that I’m pinning Mason with the same title as my father. It’s the fears that are casting him in a shadow he doesn’t deserve. “Luke, I’m not necessarily saying Mason will do those things. What I’m saying is that…I’m nervous because I’ve been through neglect.” I force the rest of the words out. “Mason means so much to me. I don’t want to associate those feelings, that hurt, with him.”

Luke kneels in front of me. There’s so much emotion surrounding him, but when our eyes lock, I know he’s saying these things to silence my anxieties, not to knock me down. He curls his hands around both of mine and stares at me with the same shade of forest green I miss terribly. “Your worries are only that—worries. We’re all here because we love you, Kenz. The three of us and Mason. We love you. We’d never want to leave you.”

Tears come, and my lip quivers. In all the years of knowing the Sacks brothers, Luke has never spoken to me so deeply. It hits me square in the heart, making it harder to hold back the emotion that continues to seep from my pores. His words and voice are so genuine I can’t help but believe them. Magically, and not ironically, they are as comforting as Mason’s.

He moves our hands over his heart and reiterates his point. “We love you. Mason loves you. Allow him to show you that, and he’ll put all the fears and anxieties you’ve carried around with you since you were eight to rest.”

I nod repeatedly, and crystal tears slip down my cheeks.

He blinks, his dark lashes fluttering together. I almost forget Nelly and Owen are here with us. “Yeah?”

“Yes.”

Warmth spreads over my shoulders when he lifts and wraps his arms around me. Affection pours out of him, causing my heart to swell with love. Luke’s right. It’s not fair of me to keep Mason at arm’s length because of my insecurities. It’s not right to give him a title he doesn’t deserve. He’s always proved himself. It’s why I’ve always leaned on him, why we became such good friends.

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