Page 170 of Holding On

I lift Becca off my lap and stand up. "I'm going to take a shower."

"You just took one before I left." She smiles. "Or did you mean with me? Because I'm totally up for that." She gets up and kisses me.

"I'm sore from lifting weights. I just want to stand under the hot water."

"Oh." She backs away. "Okay."

She looks at me, and I know she senses something's wrong. I can't hide it from her. She knows me too well.

"What happened?" she asks.

"Nothing," I lie. I want to tell her. I do. I just can't make myself do it.

"Ethan, sit down." She takes my hand but I pull it away.

"Not now."

"Why?"

"I need some time."

"Time to what?" I hear a hint of anger in her voice. "What's going on?"

"Becca, you told me you wouldn't push."

"I know but I feel like we're going back to how things were."

"That's not true. I've been opening up to you. Telling you things. You can't say that isn't progress."

"It is, and it's a step forward, but right now, I feel like we're stepping back."

I sigh. "Stop making this into something bigger than it is. I just need some time."

She nods, then heads to the door. "I'm gonna go."

"Go where?"

"Home. If you need time, then I'm taking time too. Call me when you're ready to talk."

"Becca, wait." I meet her at the door.

"What?" she snaps.

"You're walking out on me? Again?"

"We're still dating. I just can't keep watching you do this to yourself. And when you won't let me help, or even just tell me what's wrong, I get angry. And I don't like being angry at you."

"I don't want to be angry at you either. So stay, and just give me some time."

Her shoulders drop and she sighs. "Ethan, I don't know what that means. Give you time to what? Lock yourself in your room, feeling sad? Depressed? Hating yourself? Going back and reliving that night?" She takes my hand. "Why do you do this to yourself? And why won't you let me be there for you?"

I don't give her an answer.

She lets go of my hand and shakes her head. "I don't know if I can do this, Ethan."

"Do what?"

"I love you, but...I don't know if I can be with you when you're like this. I know I said I wouldn't push you to talk to me but I shouldn't have to. You should want to talk to me. You talk to Mike, so why can't you talk to me?"

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