Page 171 of Holding On

"It's not the same," I mutter.

"Why?"

"It just isn't."

She hesitates, then says, "Then don't call me until it is."

"What does that mean?"

"I can't be with you until you're able to talk to me. I'm sorry, Ethan. I thought I could do this, but I can't. I love you too much to watch you suffer and not be able to help."

And then she turns and walks out the door.

Shit. She can't leave. I can't lose her. Not again.

"Becca!" I go out in the hall but don't see her. Where the hell did she go? She left two seconds ago. The elevator couldn't have shown up that fast. Maybe she took the stairs. I go to the stairwell and race down the stairs. "Becca!"

I still can't find her. She must already be outside. Damn, she's fast, especially when she's angry. I go outside and find her walking to her van, which is parked across the street.

"Becca, wait!" I run after her.

She turns around, her keys in her hand. "Ethan, I don't want to..."

As she's talking, a car veers around the corner heading straight for her. Holy shit! I race into the street and shove her out of the way as the driver in the car swerves and honks his horn.

I'm lying on the grass near the sidewalk, clutching Becca in my arms. She almost got hit. She could've been killed. And it would've been because of me. Because I distracted her when she was crossing the street.

"Are you all right?" I ask, not letting her go.

"Yeah." She's out of breath. "I didn't see that guy coming."

"He came from around the corner, going way too fast."

She softly smiles. "You saved me."

"I almost got you killed." I hug her against me. "God, I'm so sorry."

"Ethan, it wasn't your fault." She pulls back. "I'm the one who stopped in the street. You've gotta stop blaming yourself."

"I'm the one who made you stop. If you'd been hit, it would've been my fault."

"Stop saying that. Nothing is your fault. Accidents happen."

She looks up at me and just being near her, holding her, calms me. My heart rate returns to normal as I come down from the adrenaline rush that shot through my veins when I saw that car heading toward Becca.

"I can't lose you," I tell her.

"You're not losing me. I just think you need more time to work things out before we can be together."

"I don't want more time. I know I still need to work through things but...I want to do it with you. I don't want to do it alone."

"But you said—"

"I know what I said. But I was wrong. I can't do this alone. I've tried and I'm better than I was, but that's only because I've had your brother to talk to. But I need more. I need you. You were there during some of my darkest moments, and even though you don't know it, you were the reason I got through those moments. I looked forward to you coming over, even when you were just coming over to clean. You think you haven't helped me, Becca, but you have. You have no idea how much you've helped me."

"But you still won't talk to me."

I stand up, and offer her my hands. "Let's go upstairs."

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