Page 40 of Still Love You

His hand moves to the edge of my panties, outlining them with his thumb. Silas likes to take things slow, teasing me until the point I can't take it anymore. I both love and hate this about him. I love that he takes his time and doesn't rush, but I hate waiting, wondering when he'll relieve the throbbing need to feel him inside me.

Finally, he gently, and expertly, slips his hand under my panties. My breath hitches as I feel his fingers slide over my wetness. His magic fingers, as I used to call them. They're still magic, maybe even more so now than before, because within mere minutes, I'm coming undone, breathing hard, grasping the sleeping bag, yelling his name.

I reach down and undo his belt, but in my hurried attempt it gets stuck, so he does it himself, then yanks his jeans down along with his boxer briefs. I kick off my shoes, then shiver as I feel his warm hands on my legs, tugging my panties off.

He lies over me, kissing my neck, then my cheek, then my lips.

"What are we doing?" I whisper, dragging my fingers down his back, loving the feel of his warm body pressed against mine.

"Making one of those wrong decisions," he says between kisses. "But damn, it feels right."

"It does, doesn't it?" I gulp down a breath as he nudges my legs apart.

"I don't have a condom," he whispers, as I feel the tip of him touching me. "Are you still on the pill?"

"Yeah," I whisper back.

He kisses me and then I feel him slowly sink inside me. My mind goes blank as I surrender to the moment, forgetting about the future, about what's right or wrong, about all my doubts and fears. I just immerse myself in this moment and how it feels to be with Silas again. He was my first, and no one has ever compared to him.

When it's over, I feel no regrets. I should, but I don't. I love Silas, so what we did just now doesn't feel wrong. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow when my mind starts analyzing the aftereffects of what we did, but right now, as I lie tucked inside his arms, nothing about this feels wrong.

His arm tightens around me and he kisses my head. "I love you."

I wish he wouldn't say that. I know he loves me, but it's hard to hear those words, knowing there's no future with us.

But Silas has always been that way. He puts it all out there. His feelings. His thoughts. He's always been honest with me. He doesn't play games like some guys do. He's made it clear he wants me back, but he also openly acknowledges that it's probably not going to happen.

I admire him for being so open, so honest. Very few people can do that. I certainly can't. If I were being open and honest, I'd tell him how much I still love him. How I've thought about him every day we were apart. How I've never allowed myself to get emotionally attached to any other guy because my heart won't allow it. It still belongs to Silas, so giving my heart to someone else would feel like a betrayal. That's something I need to get past in order to move on, but I haven't been able to do it yet.

"I wish we could stay here all night," I hear Silas say. We're wrapped in the sleeping bag and I'm all comfy and warm, my body pressed against his, my head on his shoulder.

"If we did, our parents would start planning the wedding."

He laughs. "They'd assume we're back together, but I don't think they'd be planning a wedding. My mom doesn't even believe in marriage."

"Do you?"

"Willow, I proposed to you. I gave you a ring."

"I know, but we were younger then. Maybe you only proposed in order to make sure we didn't break up when I went to college."

"I proposed because you're my best friend and I loved you and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I still do."

My eyes tear up and I squeeze them shut. "Silas, you need to stop saying that stuff."

"Why? I'm just telling you how I feel."

"I'd just rather not hear it, okay?"

He doesn't answer, and I wonder if I hurt his feelings by saying that. I hope not. I don't want to hurt him. It's just hard for me to hear him say those things.

Minutes go by. Long, quiet minutes.

I finally break the silence. "We should probably go home. You have to be at work early."

"Yeah." He slips his arm out from under me and sits up. I get up, too, and we find our clothes and get dressed.

On the drive back, Silas says nothing. Back at my house, he walks me to the door and gives me a hug.

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