Page 39 of Still Love You

"Yeah. We can look at the stars."

It's something we always used to do together. We'd lay out on a sleeping bag in the back yard. When we were dating, we'd take the sleeping bag to the beach or the park. We did more making out than stargazing. And one of those nights, we had sex. It was my first time. We didn't plan it. It just happened.

"Aren't you tired of being here?" I ask. "You spent all day here."

"I like it at night." He stops and parks at the edge of the field. Then he jumps out, grabs a sleeping bag from behind his seat, and lays it in the truck bed. I meet him back there and he helps me into the truck. Then we lie there, looking up at the bright stars lighting up the dark sky.

"Nice, huh?" he asks.

"Yeah." I sound sad and I'm not sure why.

I have so many conflicting thoughts racing through my head right now. So many conflicting emotions. There's this part of me that wants the life that Silas wants. A life that isn't spent racing a million miles an hour, trying to keep up with the competition, trying to make it to the top. A life that's slower, simpler, and leaves time for things like stargazing on a clear summer night like tonight.

Then there's the other part of me that wants the high-powered job at a big corporation. That life will mean giving up my free time, spending all my time at work. It'll involve sacrifices, like having to move, possibly far away from my family. It'll mean giving up weekends to go into the office or travel for work. It may even mean I won't have time to have a family of my own. I know all this, and yet I've decided this is what I want to do. I want to work hard and be a success, and that means making sacrifices.

But then I lie here looking up at the stars with Silas beside me, and it makes me question everything. I don't like questioning myself. I like to make a decision and stick to it. 

"Silas?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever worry about making the wrong decision?"

"About what?"

"Anything."

"No." 

"Why not?"'

"Because I know I'll make plenty of wrong decisions in my life. Everyone does. So why worry about it?"

"One wrong decision can change your entire life. It can set you down a completely different path."

"True, but maybe that path was the one you were supposed to be on."

"Then it wouldn't be a wrong decision."

"Depends on how you define 'wrong.' Think about my mom. Some people would say she made the wrong decision by sleeping with some guy she met at a concert after knowing him for less than an hour. She ended up getting pregnant with me, which changed her life from that point forward, but I'm sure if you asked her she wouldn't say she regrets the decision she made that night."

"But what if things don't turn out that well? What if you make the wrong decision and you do regret it?"

"Then you make whatever changes you need to in order to move on. You always have options, Willow."

"I know. I just don't like screwing up. I want to be sure I'm doing the right thing."

He turns on his side, facing me. "Is there a certain thing we're talking about here?"

I think he already knows the answer to that so I'm not going to come out and say it.

"I'm just talking in general." I gaze up at the sky. "The stars are so bright tonight. They're beautiful."

"So are you." He leans down and presses his lips to mine.

I kiss him back, ignoring my brain, which keeps telling me to stop.

He parts my lips with his tongue and takes the kiss deeper as his hand moves up my thigh, under my short skirt. My heart races in anticipation, wanting this more than anything. Any doubts are shoved aside as my urge to be with him wins out. I tug his shirt up. He quickly yanks it off, then kisses me again, his hand returning to my inner thigh and gently squeezing. My body is pleading for him to continue but then a thought pops in my head, telling me to stop. To end this before it gets too far. I quickly shove that thought aside. This feels too good to stop.

---