Page 139 of Still Love You

He checks his watch and smiles. "You're in luck. I actually have more than a minute."

Martin's wearing plaid Bermuda shorts, a wrinkled white button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and thick black socks that go up to his knees. His gray wiry hair is sticking up everywhere and his beard needs to be trimmed. He always has that disheveled look, but it fits him. He calls himself the nutty professor, and he is kind of nutty, but in a good way. He's funny, and has always been nice to me and a great stepdad to Silas.

"What should we discuss?" Martin asks, sitting across from me. "World peace? Stock prices? The energy crisis?"

I smile. "Those are kind of heavy topics. Let's save those for another day. For now, tell me about UC-Berkeley."

He grins, knowing exactly why I asked. He goes over the basics, then answers all my questions and tells me to apply now if I'm really serious about going there.

An hour later I go back to my house and get to work on my application. I can't believe I'm doing this. Just two months ago, my life was headed down a totally different path. Now it's all changed, and instead of panicking, I'm happy about it.

On Saturday I help my parents at the farmers' market. With all the new products, we end up making more money than we've ever made. Some of the flowers we planted were ready to sell and we sold out within the first hour. We didn't have a lot to sell, but I was still surprised they sold out that quickly.

In the afternoon, I call Silas to see if he wants to do something, but find out he went surfing with Trent. Silas loves surfing but he hasn't gone all summer. And I haven't been in years. We should go surfing together. I'm adding that to my list. I've started a list of all the things I want to do with Silas, leaving off the dirty things in case my parents see it.

I started the list because I've made the decision to be with Silas. For years, I told myself that Silas and I couldn't be together because my life would never be what I wanted it to be if I stayed with him. But the truth is, even if I were CEO of the biggest company in the world, I wouldn't be happy knowing the person I love is out there but not being able to be with him.

So in the end, there was really no decision to make. My heart decided this a long time ago. I just had to get my head to agree to it. And it finally did. And now, I have no doubts. I know what I want. 

I want Silas. The boy who made me a report card so I wouldn't transfer to a different school. The boy who memorized how I like my hamburger and isn't embarrassed to order it that way. The boy who kept calling me from thousands of miles away, even though I never answered his calls. And the boy who made me the most beautiful engagement ring I've ever seen.

Being with Silas doesn't mean I'm giving up my dreams. I can still have a successful career. I've just changed how I define success. It's not about a job title or a big salary. It's about finding something I really want to do. Something I feel passionate about.

And I've already found that, in the place I least expected it. My family's business. It's been there all along and I never even considered it, but now I know it's exactly what I want to do. I've already talked to my parents about it and we decided that I'd take over the organic skin care products as if it were my own company. So basically, I'm already a CEO. The one and only employee of a company I hope to make a huge success someday. And I want Silas there every step of the way.

It's now Sunday afternoon and I'm going to tell Silas what I've decided. He's at the farm, so that's where I'm headed. It's the perfect place to tell him this. Silas and I have so many memories there, and hopefully will have many more in the years to come.

I park next to his truck. Every time I see it, I think about what we did in it. I'm dying to do it again, which is why I'm wearing a short cotton sundress with tiny straps that can easily be undone. But we may have to wait and do it later when it cools off. It's brutally hot out today, which is unusual because the temperature here is generally more moderate.

"Silas!" I yell as I walk through the fields. He said he'd be picking blackberries but I don't see him. Maybe he's kneeling down to reach the low branches. "Silas, it's me. Are you out here?"

I fan myself as I trudge through the fields. It's so hot I'm already sweating.

"Silas?" I keep calling him but he doesn't answer. I'm now standing between the rows of blackberry bushes, looking up and down the field, but I don't see him. I turn to go back, but then spot something on the ground in the next row over. It's a work boot. Silas' work boot. I shove the bushes aside and see him lying on the ground.

"Silas!" I race over and kneel beside him. "Silas!" I turn his face toward me. His eyes are closed. "Silas, wake up! Please! Wake up!" His face is wet and clammy. "Silas!"

He's not responding, no matter how many times I yell his name.

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