Page 37 of Promise Me This

“What? No!” I shake my head, glaring at the horizon. How dare it exist? How dare it be so beautiful when all of this is so damn ugly and complicated? “I want answers, and that requires getting close. But I don’t want more than that, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Yeah, sure. And I’m going to shoot that pheasant with my imaginary gun.” He aims at the bird in the grass twenty feet from us, which I’m amazed he’s spotted considering its brown feathers blend into the landscape, and fires a make-believe shot. The sound he makes with his mouth startles the bird, and it flies off. “See? We’re both good at lying.”

“I’m not lying,” I say, growling in frustration. “I’m being serious, Podge.”

“Right. Let’s pretend for a moment that you do get the answers you want. What then?” He shifts to face me full on, crumpling the wrapper in his fist. “What are you hoping to gain? Do you plan to forgive her? To forgive yourself? And then what, you send her packing?”

I bite down too hard on the inside of my cheek while considering the question and wince at the throb of pain. I tell myself I’ll respond to him once it subsides, but the truth is, I’m just biding my time, waiting for the answer I don’t have to materialize in my brain.

What exactly am I expecting to do with the answers once I have them?

What I desperately want, I realize, is to be free. Free of the pain I didn’t even realize I still carried. Free of the anger. Free of the rejection. I don’t want to want Leo anymore. Because I do, underneath it all. It’s there in the aching of my hands to reach out and touch her. There in the longing to draw her close and comfort her, despite the way she has wrecked me in the past.

That’s the thing about Leo. When she’s yours, she enhances everything. The world is brighter, tourist traps are unprecedented adventures, every roadside stop is a magnificent view.

But when she’s not, the world is ruined. The rose-colored glasses fall away. I want to see in color again, and I don’t want to need her to do it.

“I want to finally understand so I can close that chapter.” I shake my head, and my cheeks heat at the way my voice cracks. Hopefully Padraig brushes it off as a side effect of the weather. “And then I want to let her go.”

He nods but doesn’t comment. The bird watching resumes.

“Where’s the prettiest girl in the entire world?” I call, my voice echoing down the hallway of the inn. I’m standing in the foyer, trying not to track leftover mud from my shoes across Mam’s shiny floors. I cock my head to the side and allow myself to actually notice how clean everything is for once. There’s no dust gathered on the old photographs, no scuffs along the walls. The inn has never looked this spotless before.

Guess the new housekeeper is panning out to be a real help after all.

A twinge of guilt passes through me. Once things with Leo are done and dusted, she’ll go back to America and Mam will be missing the help. I add finding a permanent housekeeper to my mental list of to-dos so my mother doesn’t disown me for running off her employee.

“Out here, Daddy!” Niamh shouts, drawing me back to the moment.

I follow the sound of her voice all the way through the kitchen, pausing briefly to greet Mam where she’s loading clothes into the washer, and out into the garden. The early evening air has settled in cool and dry since the rain has subsided, and Niamh’s taking advantage of the briefly clear sky to run around in the grass, chasing after a rather bedraggled-looking mama cat.

“Daddy!” she screams when she sees me. She abandons the cat, who I swear sighs in relief, and bounds over to me. With a running leap, she flies into my arms, and I squeeze her tightly as I spin around in circles. Her shrieks of joy pierce my eardrums in the best possible way.

“I missed you,” I say, leaning back to gaze at her face. “Did you get bigger? What have I told you about getting bigger overnight?”

“I didn’t get any bigger,” she says, giggling. “I did have sticky toffee pudding though.”

“That was supposed to be our secret!” Mam scolds, propping the doorframe up with her hip as she watches the two of us with a scowl.

“Oops!” Niamh says, her lips popping on the p. Her pale skin has taken on a tinge of red from exertion, making her look more like a baby doll than a real-life girl. I wonder, not for the first time, how someone so precious came from me.

“Oh, so you and Granny are keeping secrets from me now?” I pinch her side, earning another fit of giggles. “What else did you get up to while I was away?”

“We played puzzles, and Granny let me try on dresses from her closet that smelled like dirt—”

“Come on, now!” Mam interrupts. She tries to look indignant, but the amusement on her face is apparent.

“—oh, and Leona got humped by Colin at the pub!”

Both Mam and I audibly choke. Even the cat, who has slinked over to the stone wall while Niamh is distracted, pauses to make sure she’s heard correctly.

I recover first. I set Niamh on the ground and crouch to her level. “She did what with Colin?”

Niamh glances at Mam for reassurance. “Granny says it means they’re going on a date!” Her lips form a confused pout.

The sense of betrayal is a shock to say the least. There’s no reason for it. Leo’s not mine, I know that. She hasn’t been for a very long time. But my heart seems to have forgotten that bit of information, given the way it’s throbbing in my chest.

“Now, Callum, that’s not what I said,” Mam says. “It was a joke I made that she’s taken out of context—”

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