Page 56 of Letters to Lily

“But you were too busy beating the shit out of Jason and getting arrested? Believe me, if I could have had a celebratory drink after hearing that, I would have. It was a much better present than visitors in the hospital.” It was said in a joking tone, her caramel eyes twinkling as she spoke, but it hurt to hear her refer to me as just a potential visitor. “Everything is fine though. The baby is good, and I’m just a little sore and uncomfortable at times, not unlike every other day of the pregnancy. At least now I can’t blame all the pain and discomfort on Lily.”

Hearing my daughter’s name come from Sasha’s lips put a genuine smile on my face for the first time in days. “I have a confession,” I admitted, albeit reluctantly. “The journal you left behind? I read through it.” She flinched, but I didn’t want us to slide backwards and have her trust me less after admitting to violating her private words. So, I continued on. “At first, I was just looking through it in the hope that it would lead me back to you.”

I scratched at the scruff that had developed along my jawline over the past few days. Never had I been so damn nervous to talk to Sasha before. There was an ache in my chest and worry bubbling up in my belly that everything I said would be held against me in some way. Still, I managed to persist. “Her name, the reason behind it…” I’m man enough to admit that talking about it with Sasha made me start tearing up like a fucking baby. “Thank you,” was all I could manage to say in the end.

She nodded, and we both sat quietly for a few minutes. “This is so strange,” she finally mentioned. “Never, in a million years, would I have thought we’d be sitting here like two awkward strangers instead of the best friends we always were. To know that it was one giant mix up after another that got us to this point…” she shook her head. “Ugh, it kills me.”

“Me too,” I agreed before sliding closer to her on the couch. “Sasha, I…”

“I heard what you were saying to Brad. You know, about how you thought I was pregnant by someone else. I’m sorry you thought that. I don’t know how I would feel if I had been told you got someone else pregnant in the time we’d been separated.” She looked sick as she said the words, so I was pretty sure she knew exactly how that would feel. “This whole thing is so hard, because it wasn’t either of our faults, and we’re still stuck trying to muddle through the crap that got pushed in the way in the meantime.”

“I actually have a suggestion that may help.” It took a few minutes to get the words out, but the minute I did I knew it would work.

“What’s that?”

“Let’s get all this out right now. The past six months of what we were doing, what we thought, how we coped, whatever questions we have for one another… Let’s just get it all out, and then put it behind us. Honestly, we could spend a lifetime dwelling on all the shitty aspects of our situation, or we could just agree to never let anything like this ever happen again and move on. Let’s do what we need to in order to find our way back to where we were with one another before. I meant to get back to that comfortable existence we had before all this drama. If that’s what you want? And let me make myself absolutely clear, that is exactly what I want to happen.”

Chapter 25

Nov. 02

I nodded my agreement with Kade’s plan. I had actually come here to say basically the same thing to him, and that was before I found out about why he started dating to begin with. He was right; we had so much crap to wade through because of horrible timing, bad circumstances, and one meddling roommate. We’d already lost too much precious time with one another.

“I agree,” I finally said, and the smile he graced me with was one that I remembered seeing on his face for years. That was what real happiness looked like in Kade’s eyes.

“I do have one question before we start, and it’s kind of important, so I hope like hell you’ll be completely honest with me.” Well, that didn’t sound good. If he asked me if I ever cheated on him, I would probably drop kick him into next week and walk away forgetting all of this for now. “Um, shit, I’m not even sure how to ask this without feeling a little ill, to be honest.” Damn it, he was going to do it, I was preparing myself for my not so swift or graceful departure from the couch. “My brother, Brad, do you…” he sighed. “Are you?” Kade growled out in frustration before he finally got around to asking the full question. “Is there something there between the two of you?”

Okay, that was not where I saw him going with the important question. “Brad has been my friend through everything. I would have been so lost without all of his help, and he was there for me to lean on. I’ll tell you the same thing that I told him before, my heart wasn’t mine to give away to anyone, because it already had a home with you. Even if you didn’t want it anymore.”

“Shit, Sash, I never stopped wanting, more like needing, your heart. It never left me. This whole thing has been so damn screwed from the beginning, but the one thing that never changed was the fact that I love you. I have loved you for so long I don’t know how to not do it.” Just like that, my heart felt broken and whole all at once.

I wasn’t sure where to go from there, but it didn’t matter because Kade started. “I guess I need to start from that night.” He took me through the unfortunate chain of events that led us to this moment. Where my story diverged, I would tell him what had been happening on my end, and we eventually got each other caught up on the story of us over the past six months. It took the better part of the day, and a whole lot of tissues to get through. There were periods of time where we would give one another a hug, or in my case move away from the uncomfortable words that were coming out of Kade’s mouth. Especially when he got to the parts about him and Jenn. Honestly, I could have done without hearing any of that, but I knew he felt that he had to disclose everything in order to be honest.

It sucked. It absolutely, horribly sucked to have to know those things happened, that he was with someone else for a while. Even though I knew all the things that got him there, it didn’t take away from the fact that I never wanted him to be in a position where he was ever with another soul beyond me again. Kade was still the only person I had ever been intimate with, let alone had sex with, and now, there was another woman – after me – that he had been with. The circumstances that led him to that point did nothing to diminish the anguish it caused me to sit back and listen to him talking about it.

By the time we worked our way through our stories, the sky was darkening, and my stomach was growling. We had literally talked ourselves through not having lunch or pretty much any other breaks except when I had to pee, because my pregnancy bladder was the size of a walnut.

“I can see if my mom has anything in the kitchen that will be convenient, and quick, to make,” he suggested as he started to get up off the couch. My stomach grumbled in protest once again and as it did my daughter decided to give me a swift kick in the gut for disturbing her slumber.

“Ouch,” I groaned out.

“What’s the matter?” Kade dove back onto the couch in a heartbeat and was up against my side, looking me in the eye, panic billowing up just under the surface of his seemingly cool exterior.

“I’m thinking that Lily doesn’t like the fact that I let myself get so hungry that my stomach is waking her up with its grumbling.” I shrugged off the kick my daughter gave me with nonchalance because I was used to being battered from the inside out. When I glanced back up at Kade the look of wonder that was on that man’s face nearly undid me, and that was before he leaned in and pressed his warm lips to mine.

As he leaned across my jutting belly, melding his lips to mine in the sweetest damn kiss ever, Lily decided to try for a two-for-one shot and kicked both of us. Kade’s eyes widened in shock, and then his attention turned fully to my belly as the most brilliant smile I’d ever seen on the man graced his face.

He leaned in closer to my stomach then, pulling my shirt up while wrapping both of his large hands around the stretched-to-tight skin, warming me with his body heat as he did so. “That’s right, baby girl, daddy’s here now and I’m not ever leaving you guys again.” There were never sweeter words spoken than the ones he just said to our daughter. Before he could pull away her foot flicked out again, and stayed there for a minute, pushing into my belly where he could see the outline of her little foot and toes through the stretched skin of my abdomen. I’d seen it once before in the doctor’s office, and I was still mesmerized by it. He was speechless, and completely awestruck for a moment. Then he leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to her tiny little foot, leaving tingles of awareness rippling along the skin of my belly.

Unfortunately, as ecstatic as that moment made me, my hormones turned it into an ugly cry fest as I broke down into a sobbing mess of mush. Kade just held me through it until I calmed down again. He whispered things to me that I couldn’t even make out through the terrible noises I was making. Finally, when I was able to pull myself together, I got out one word. “Sorry,” I whispered.

“Baby,” he called out to me as he kissed the top of my head. “Do not apologize. It’s been a hell of a day, and a worse six months. I don’t mean to make you keep crying, but I sure as fuck hope that was because what I said made you happy this time.” I nodded my head in acknowledgment. “Then we’re good here, and I meant what I said. Never again, Sash.”

“I need to show you something,” I finally said into his chest as I shamefully used his shirt to wipe the tears, and probably snot, from my cheeks. It had seriously been an ugly cry.

“Is it the fact that you just used me as your own personal tissue?” He chuckled.

I couldn’t help but laugh too since I had been busted. “Nope. That was, um, well I’m sure it wasn’t the first time you’ve been my tissue.” I said remembering all the times I’d cried on his shoulder over the years. “Seriously though, could you take us to my house? I can feed you there, but I have things you probably want to see too.”

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