Page 55 of Letters to Lily

“Seriously?” Brad asked, incredulity dripping from the one-word question.

It shocked me enough that I snapped my head up to look at him. “Seriously, what?”

“You can’t wrap your head around it?” I shook my head, completely at a loss as to why he suddenly sounded a bit angry. “Think back to that day, jackass. Instead of seeing it from your point of view, think about how it looked through her eyes. You told me you read her journal, so you were privy to the last entry, right?” I nodded my head while still failing to see where he was going with this. Her last entry had been about hoping I would be there, for the baby, if not with her, so I still didn’t understand why she would be avoiding me. I was trying to be there for both of them.

“Okay, now imagine her sitting in that diner, writing those particular words in her journal…” he paused as I nodded my understanding so far. “Now, when the bell sounds over the diner door and she looks up from writing those words, what does she see?”

“How the hell should I know what she…” Then it hit me. “Jenn.”

“Now, he’s getting it.” Brad huffs out while shaking his head. “She looked up and watched you, the guy she’s described as her soul mate, walking in with your arms around that girl, smiling and joking around. Her exact words to me when she talked to me about it were, ‘I keep seeing him walking into the diner with his arms around her, laughing, and looking so happy. They looked so damn happy together. I never saw him that way with any of those other girls before we got together.’” My brother paused for a moment to let Sasha’s words sink in. “Then, she asked me how you could possibly claim to care so much when she wouldn’t – not couldn’t – move on from you, but it was so easy for you to do.”

“Easy?” I choked the word out with my throat so thick with emotion I couldn’t breathe for a moment.

“Calm down, I explained to her how long it took for you to even agree to anything more than friendship with that girl. I even expanded on the fact that I thought you were only half-ass trying in an attempt to move on from someone you thought cheated on you and blocked you from her life.” Tears were building in my eyes as my brother tried to convey how serious he was. “She gets it. She understands the whole big mess that occurred and that everything happened based on what you both believed the other had done. That doesn’t take away the fact that seeing you with Jenn…” He sighed before hesitating as he tried to find the right words. “It was a blow to her that she’s trying to deal with.”

“I’m not with Jenn though!”

“No, not now, but even so it doesn’t take the images from her mind of seeing you looking happy with someone else. Even if the whole scene was taken out of context, it doesn’t matter, because what Sasha saw that day was her worst fears coming true. Her having your baby while you were off living the good life and loving someone else.”

“FUCK!” I cried out, allowing the tears to fall where they may. “Do you know how many times I told myself I couldn’t date Jenn? Do you know how many goddamn times I felt like I was the world’s biggest asshole for attempting it? How much guilt I felt when we went out, when she tried to kiss me, when I got drunk and she took advantage of that situation? I fucking hurt, made myself sick, and literally cried over that shit. Hell, I wouldn’t even consider taking her out on a date until that day Andy confirmed what Jason had told me. He said Sasha was seeing someone, and then he told me she was pregnant by the guy.

“Turns out, they had been talking about you, because you were always around her. The only reason I tried to move on was because I thought she was having another dude’s kid!” The frustration I felt made my throat tight. “I can’t keep moving in these fucked up circles of miscommunication, because it keeps screwing everything up. And while I know the lack of communication is a problem, you keep coming here and telling me she needs more time to wrap her head around shit. I can’t even tell her my side of things, because I can’t fucking talk to her.” He said nothing, just continued to stare off in the distance.

“Does she know that’s why I started dating? I doubt it, because I never admitted it to anyone until now. Would it make a difference to know that the heartache she felt at seeing me with someone else was on fucking par, maybe, with me hearing she was having another dude’s kid?”

“Obviously she doesn’t know that, but she…”

“Don’t you think she should?” I yelled at him then. “When do I get the goddamn chance to make any of this right? And how the hell do I do that if she won’t fucking let me?”

“You’re right.” The voice of an angel spoke up then, nearly knocking me down with the force of its presence. I turned to see Sasha standing there at the front door with my mom by her side. My mom was looking guilty, but Sasha, she looked perfect. It’s a sad fucking thing though that I didn’t know if I should just keep standing there looking shocked or run and throw my arms around her. I didn’t know how she would react to me touching her. To be honest, the fact that I had to hold myself back, out of fear, pissed me off.

Instead of doing or saying anything, I just stood there in a momentous limbo that seemed to hold the entire room captive briefly. “Obviously, we need to talk,” she offered softly, shifting on her feet with nervousness as she did. Great. Now, she wasn’t sure if I wanted her to be there. I might not have been around Sasha for months, but I could still read her body language like a book.

“Yeah, we do.” I turned back to Brad then, “You need to go.” The look he lobbed on me then was priceless. My brother was going to have to get over the fact that Sasha and I had a longer history than he and I did, or than the two of them did, for that matter.

“Sasha,” he asked as he moved his eyes from me to her. “What do you need to happen here?” WHAT IN THE FUCK? I was about to kill my brother.

“I need to talk to Kade, and we need to do that privately,” she told him, using a gentle voice, as though she was afraid telling Brad that would hurt him. There was a part of me that was jumping up and down, gloating inside. That part really wanted to get out and yell, ‘in your face’ to my brother. Okay, I’m lying to myself; there wasn’t a single part of me that didn’t want to do that in this moment. I couldn’t believe that prick ignored me, and thought he’d get a different reaction from Sasha. I was also a little in awe of the care that Sasha was taking with my brother’s heart in all of this. Not that I wanted to think about his heart being involved, in any way beyond friendship, with my girl.

Brad paled a little, but to his credit he stood and nodded before leaving my mom’s house. My mom stood her ground though. “I feel like I need to be here to say some things to the both of you first,” she started.

“No!” I spat out.

“Ms. Miller, I really need to talk to Kade alone first. I promise, when we’re done, we’ll call you so you can come back and say what you need to.” Sasha was ever the diplomat. That always made her a better person than I was. My attitude wasn’t helped by the fact that I was still having trouble putting my mom’s stupid decisions behind me. The same decisions that ultimately landed us all in this position to begin with.

I watched as my mom’s lip wobbled and she ducked her head before going back out the front door. Brad was still there, and he pulled her into a side hug, and ushered her away to his truck. I was thankful he was at least looking out for my mom while I finally got the chance to talk to Sasha. “You better close the door, throw the lock, and step away before someone else decides they need to be here for this.” My words were half joke, half bitter reality.

She passed me a weak smile as she followed the simple directions and then came to sit down on the couch. Her trying to drop herself into a seat on the low cushions shouldn’t have been funny, but I found myself chuckling at her expense anyway. “What exactly are you laughing at?” She sighed out through her plump, full lips that I suddenly couldn’t take my eyes off of. As I watched, speechless, she did this odd bend at the knee with her back tipped like she was about to attempt a back bend, burgeoning belly pushed out into the air before her. Finally, she threw a hand out behind her, reaching for the backside of the couch to help lever herself down without plopping.

“Sorry,” I moved quickly then and reached out to help guide her down more smoothly.

“Thanks,” her smile warmed my heart as she said that single word. Her wavy, dark brown hair seemed far curlier now than when we had been together. The way it fell, parted in the middle, framed her beautiful face that I had been dreaming about for months.

“No problem. I guess that couch sucks for pregnant women, huh? It seems to be a little too low to the ground.”

“Yes, but that seems to be my lot in life lately. Normally, I’d just kind of plop down and not worry about looking like a slob or whatever, but my ass still hurts from falling down the stairs, so…”

The reminder of her fall and hospital stay hit me like a punch to the gut. “Is everything all right now? Are you doing okay after the fall? I tried to come see you, but…”

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