Page 43 of Letters to Lily

“No! Nothing. I have nothing to fucking say to you.” I couldn’t wait for Brad. I would catch up with him later. I crawled into my Jeep and took off for home.

Brad: Where are you? I’m at the diner and you’re not here. All Jenn will say is that you left. I’m worried, call me.

I ignored the text until I was home. Once I was parked, I responded before heading into the house.

Kade: Sorry. Couldn’t stand there listening to her bullshit anymore. Will explain shortly. I need to read something first.

I decided on the way here that I needed to at least read the part of Sasha’s journal that was addressed to me. So, I ignored my mom’s worried curiosity as I walked through the kitchen and moved into my bedroom slamming the door and locking it behind me. I crashed onto my bed, let out a breath, and then opened the damn journal. My one last connection to the girl I had loved since forever.

Dear Kade,

I can’t believe I’ve gone through one whole journal of letters to the baby, and this is the first time I’ve been able to write a letter to you. It took a while to write it, because in doing so, I realized I’d never actually hear from you again, and that was a hard pill to swallow.

I fell in love with you so long ago that I’m not sure how to live a life where I don’t love you anymore, or at least where you’re not here for me to love. When I punched Johnny Lincoln in the nose and turned around to have you hug me, kiss my cheek, and look at me the way you did… Gah! I think I fell for you that day. I didn’t even like boys back then. That look in your eyes when I first turned around… I don’t know what you were thinking then. Well, you told me I was your hero, but whatever it was, that look in your eyes mesmerized me. I don’t think I could have let you go then if my life depended on it. My heart skipped in that moment when your lips brushed so softly across my cheek, and I swear to you, my heart has never beat the same since that day. I’d gotten used to the new rhythm of my heart. The one you put there. It became normal, and from that day forward not a minute ticked by that my heart didn’t beat its new rhythm out just for you.

Then you disappeared and took my new rhythm away. My heart is missing more beats since you left me. You took a piece of me with you, and I don’t know if I can ever get that back and feel whole again. You changed your number. Jason told me it was all my fault that you weren’t coming back. I still don’t know what I did to make you leave, because you left Jason behind too.

Well, not the way you left me though. I heard him talking to you on the phone one day at school. He didn’t realize I was there, but my heart missed a few more beats when I heard him say your name, and I knew then, that I was the only one you actually left behind.

Unfortunately, as it turned out, I’m not the only one you left. I didn’t get to tell you about her because you were gone already when I found out. You were gone from my life for two days when I realized something wasn’t right with me. I always thought we would have a baby one day, that we’d be a family, but in my dreams, we were supposed to be together and happy.

I took the test alone. I waited alone. I kept wishing you were there with me. I craved your arms around me, your voice reassuring me that it would be all right. That we were in this together. Then I thought it would all turn out; you’d cool down from whatever made you so mad at me and you would come back to me – to us.

You didn’t though. I don’t even know how to get a hold of you so I’m stuck writing to a fictional version of you, one who might actually be around to read this one-day. I have to write it in this letter, the news I found out today, that we’re having a daughter. I have no way of contacting you, so my beautiful baby girl will one day learn that I had to write a letter to you, letting you know that she’s your daughter too. Only, you’ll probably never see it, never know, and as much as I hate you for this, I can’t tell her that you’re the reason for that outcome. Instead, I sit here wondering what in the hell I’m going to tell her about you. I don’t even know what to say to her. I want to be angry and tell her you’re the boy who decimated my heart, but I hurt so much more when I think those things. I could never take the hope, the possibility of having a dad one day, away from her. I won’t say horrible things about you, because she doesn’t deserve to hear them.

I don’t know if I can even do this alone. I just know I can’t fathom the idea of giving her to strangers to raise. She’s a part of both of us. Me. You. I hope that one day you will know about her. Maybe you can find your way back for your daughter, even if you want to forever remain lost to me.

I just don’t understand. Why?

Yours Always,

Sasha

“FUCK!!!!!” I yelled out as I tossed the journal aside.

“Kade?” My mom called out, coming to stand on the other side of my locked bedroom door. “Are you okay?”

“No, Mom, I’m not fucking okay!” I unlocked the door and let her in, because she may as well hear about this clusterfuck now. I told her everything that happened today, as well as the words I just read in Sasha’s letter to me – a letter that was nothing more than a journal entry, because she never thought she’d see me again to let me read it.

“No!” My mom was crying now too. “Oh God no! All that time, you were stuck there taking care of me, and she thought…” Giant heaving sobs wracked through my mom’s body and I couldn’t even bring myself to offer her comfort. I was sort of playing the blame game in my own head too. I wasn’t putting it all on my mom, but her stupidity where my dad was concerned certainly had been the catalyst in all of this.

“But you said… Jason told you…” her words were coming out disjointed between her sobbing.

I threw my alarm clock across the room and watched with zero satisfaction as it imbedded itself into the wall. “Jason is going to answer for his part in all of this. He fucked us both with his petty bullshit. Because of him, I lost touch with Sasha, and never knew she was pregnant.”

“Have you read all of this?” My mom asked as her fingers traced over the journal I left sitting on my bed.

“Just the first entry that was addressed to me.”

“Maybe you should read further before you do anything else? No use going into everything blind.” My mom hesitated as she got up and stood behind me, resting a hand gently on my back. “What about Jenn though?”

“Mom, she knew. Sasha is the sad little pregnant girl Jenn makes fun of at the diner. She knew. She read my name over Sasha’s shoulder and never told me.”

My mom sucked in a horrified breath. “What a mess!” She managed to get out before patting me on the back and leaving me to the journal. “I’m calling Mick. Let’s see if we can find out where she lives, or at least find her mom.”

I nodded and went back to the journal. I spent the rest of the day reading through all the entries. Sasha’s descriptions of feeling the baby move, of her hopes and dreams, the stories she told of us from before. Each fucking entry broke my heart into pieces. She never said anything bad, at least nothing that wasn’t the absolute truth. She told stories to our daughter about how we loved one another, whether it was as friends or more. She was painting a picture of how much love went into making our baby girl. If I ever doubted the type of person Sasha was, she just reminded me again why I had always loved her. I also didn’t miss the stark reminder that I would probably never be good enough to have a person like her in my life. She was pure gold.

Finally, though, someone Sasha had talked about often in the journal hit me hard with yet another stark realization. Brad. She kept mentioning Brad being there, putting the crib together, going to an appointment that Kristin couldn’t make it to. Lights started flicking on in my own dark brain then. My brother was hung up on a girl he always referred to as Prego. Fuck My Life.

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