Page 31 of Letters to Lily

“What do you mean?”

“All of those years she spent being in love with you while she had to watch you dating other girls, losing your virginity to someone else, and being a complete assclown.”

“Gee, thanks for that,” I scoffed, and then I added, “Besides, she wasn’t in love with me for all those years.”

“Keep telling yourself that, Kaden. I think it makes you feel better about all the running around you did back then, but that girl has been in love with you for a long time. Anyone with two eyes could see it in the way she looked at you. And besides that, her mom and I had a long talk one day about the two of you and if we should get involved since you guys were obviously so clueless about each other’s feelings. We didn’t, because we both felt it had to come about naturally so it wouldn’t kill your friendship, but there are days when I wish we would have pushed you both to be honest with one another.”

I stepped back, physically shaken by my mother’s words. I know I had things confirmed for me during that horrible prom night, but honestly, I thought that had been a recent development too. For both of us. Just thinking about the fact that my dating life throughout high school had been hurting Sasha all along, made me wonder if I didn’t deserve my current fate just a little bit. Hell, thinking back, I realized Sasha never really dated much in high school. She hadn’t even lost her virginity then like I had been led to believe. Sadly, the fact that she never dated much probably made it easier for me to date. I didn’t have to deal with feelings of jealousy. Apparently, she had though. Damn it, I really had to stop thinking about this shit. “I’m going to get a jump on my reading for class. I have to go pick Jenn up in a bit.”

“I’m not a fan of that girl,” my mother growled out.

“Well, Mom, they can’t all measure up to Sasha!” I snapped at her.

“Maybe you should try to remember that,” she slung back before retreating to her own room and slamming the door shut behind herself.

Damn. What could I say to that when I had just vowed to try to forget about the girl in question? Nothing. That’s what. Instead, I turned and headed to my own room on the other side of the cottage. Taking a nap no longer seemed like an option though. Instead, I lie there on my bed thinking about what my mom had just said to me and wondering, not for the first time, if I should try hiring someone to track Sasha down for me.

At the very least, I could get a little more closure that way. If I hired them to follow her for a little while to see what her life was like, then maybe that would be enough. There were things I needed to know, for sure, in order to put her behind me. Is she happy? Is she really with someone else? How long did she wait before she replaced me? Does she miss me? How in the hell would some private dick know if she missed me or not? I was seriously losing my mind.

Eventually, my phone alarm zapped me out of the long list of questions that were once again pumping through my mind and thrumming through my veins begging to be answered. I did need to find out about Sasha. In the here and now though, I needed to go pick up Jenn, because I told her I would. I was trying really hard to be better about keeping my promises to people these days. I’d failed Sasha epically. Hell, I’d failed myself in the worst way. All I had left was whether or not I held to my word for everyone else in my life.

“Hey, Jenn.” I couldn’t bring myself to repeat the five minutes of hope I’d given the girl earlier this afternoon.

“I take it you didn’t sleep well when you got home?”

“Not at all. I kind of got into it with my mom when I got there.”

“I see.” Her voice was strained, and she looked tired. “Was it about her?”

I looked at Jenn then, because I was nothing if not honest with people. “It was, but not in the way you may be thinking.”

“Well, in what way then?” Yeah, she was pissed and getting snippy with me. I couldn’t blame her. Hell, I was tired of myself running hot and cold all the time too. I couldn’t imagine putting up with me if I didn’t have to.

Her blue eyes were somewhat shiny, and I hoped she didn’t cry on me. “She is trying to convince me that I’ll be able to let go easier if I track Sasha down and get some closure about her moving on. Mom thinks it’s the unfinished stuff and the unknown that won’t let me close that door.” I scrubbed my hands down the sides of my face before shifting my attention back to Jenn. She was silently contemplating my words. “I’m thinking maybe she’s got a point.”

For a split second, Jenn looked panicked. Not that I blamed her for the worry that I might actually end up back with Sasha though. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she told me.

“Do you want to elaborate on that?” For some reason it ticked me off that this girl, who obviously wanted more from me, wouldn’t want me to have the closure I need with my ex-girlfriend.

“Well, you were already starting to move forward. You said yourself people have told you she’s with someone else now. Why would you do that to either of you? She must be happy, even if you’re not.” Jenn glanced down at the fingers she was twisting up in her lap. “I just think if I were her, it would cause undue strain to have my ex show up. Especially if it was an ex-boyfriend who just ran off without any explanation, leaving me high and dry, or whatever it was you did that forced her to move on.”

“I told you, my roommate delivered a message about what was going down.”

“Yeah, well, if he actually did that, she still chose to move on without you while you were going through that. And if he didn’t deliver that message, she moved on thinking the worst of you. So, one way disturbs her peaceful existence and the other one just adds more pain to the situation. I think, for the both of you, you need to just let her go.”

I sighed audibly knowing she was making a whole lot of sense. Jason wasn’t the only one who told me she moved on. Hell, even Andy had mentioned that she had been torn up over me, but that she was always with someone new now. If I showed up in her life at this point, it would honestly be for purely selfish reasons. Reasons like it hurt to breathe without her in my life, but that was on me, not her. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

Jenn’s shoulders visibly relaxed as I voiced my agreement. “Well, is there any chance I can get you to actually drive me to my place now? I smell like a damn diner, and I’d really like to wash the grease off and go do something normal, like dinner?”

“Sure, let’s go.” I pulled out into traffic, ready to take my friend, sort of girlfriend, or whatever Jenn was to me, out to dinner.

While I waited for Jenn to get ready, Brad texted me to see what was going on. Instead of texting back, I dialed.

“Hey man, what’s up?” He sounded cheerful today. Shit, I wish I could sound that happy.

“Hey, I was just waiting on Jenn to get herself together so we could head out to dinner.”

“Oh, where are you headed? I was about to hit Prego up and see if she wanted to go grab something. Maybe we could meet up and I can finally introduce you guys.”

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