Page 27 of Everlasting

Ever

When the plans were made to put Momma-Luce in the ground, I made sure dad included Toby. She was being laid to rest in the plot beside his, and I didn’t want the workers to accidentally cover his space and leave him out. That sounded silly, but it was just something I needed to have done. He was still our family, and if the only way he could be represented there was with a cold, hard stone memorializing his life, then that was what was going to happen.

That was how I found myself staring at Toby’s headstone while some man droned on about life and heaven receiving an angel. Blah, blah, blabbity blah. That asshole didn’t know my mother. He could fuck right off. Numbness had set in between the time I held my father next to my mom’s corpse and, I didn’t know how to cry and get it all out. I just felt like there was this block on my emotions and no matter what I tried, I couldn’t get around it. Instead, I stood there, holding onto my daughters. One of their little hands was wrapped up in each of mine and I stared off toward my brother, eyes never focusing on any one aspect of his grave for long. Just taking in the fact that it was there. He was there. He would look out for her. That did it.

It started as a burning sensation in my nose and behind my eyes, then the next thing I knew, I felt a drop of something land on my hand.

“Momma, you’re getting my hand wet,” Amber complained.

“Sorry, baby girl,” I told her as I let go of her hand long enough to swipe away the tears that were falling. Not once did my eyes stray from my brother’s grave as I did though. There was something… A little glint caught my eye. Something shiny was sitting on top of his stone and I couldn’t make out what it could be from where I was standing. No one would understand if I just wandered off during the never-ending speech this windbag was giving.

“Who hired this guy? He just drones on and on,” I mumbled. At least, I thought I mumbled it. Then everything went deathly still. Imagine that, in a graveyard, in the middle of a funeral. I had blabbed my complaints out loud. But the next thing I knew J-Bird was howling with laughter.

“Shit!” He hissed out through his laughter. “I thought I was the only one ready to stab that fucker in the neck to get him to shut up.”

“No, man! I was waiting to see how many more graves we would need to dig because he was about to run some people out of their natural lifeline,” Joker teased. Anna snorted out a laugh and snot bubbled up from her nose from where she’d been crying before. Her face immediately took on the red hue that let me know she was mortified.

“Sorry, Dad,” I managed to get out while stifling my giggles.

He just shook his head and then the best thing in the world happened. My father grinned at me and that grin turned into a wide, beautiful smile. “I was just thinking Lucy would be ready to punch the bastard for stealing her show and boring us to death.”

That admission from my father sparked more and more Lucy stories and, before I knew it, the funeral from hell turned into a true celebration of my mother’s life. I turned back to Toby’s grave, confident that I could finally move close enough to see what the shiny object was, only when I looked back, it was gone. “Good one, Toby!” I whispered. “Torment me to get my frustrations up and make me say something stupid. I should have seen that one coming a mile away.” Maybe it was just the stress or emotional overload, but I could have sworn I heard his laughter on the wind that day.

“Are you doing okay, little sis?” I turned to see Kane standing there with his two-year-old daughter Grace in his arms. I smiled at the little girl and reached forward to tickle her a little. The men of Permanent Marks had started calling me little sis years ago, and it struck a chord today. Thinking Toby had been here with us in some way earlier and having another man call me his sister, it just sent a wave of both undying gratitude and love through me.

“As well as can be expected,” I offered with a shrug.

“I know you’ve had a lot to handle lately, Ev. Just know that we’re here. Whatever you need, okay? All of us. You aren’t alone. You have me! You have Gretchen, Zeke, Erin, and even that insufferable child Sully has your back.”

“I appreciate that,” I told him before leaning forward and planting a kiss on Grace’s chubby little cheek. My own girls were in my father’s arms. They both held on to him tightly as he spoke to Merc, as if they knew he needed that lifeline. Tiger Lily was pushing the stroller that my son occupied back and forth as her shoulders shook. My momma was her best friend. I didn’t know how any of us were going to move on without the woman who made us all far better people than we should have been.

Jay, Christina, and their son Pike, who was attempting to toddle around at their feet, were looking in my direction. I hated the emotion I saw on their faces because it too closely resembled pity. That was the last thing I needed. This day wasn’t even about me. Yes, I lost the best mother I’d ever had, my friend, my confidante. My loss was miniscule compared to my father’s though. I wished everyone would rally around him and make sure he didn’t have a moment alone. I knew all too well what that first one would feel like. The first time that you were left to your thoughts. I may have been young, but I remembered what it was like after my birth mom died.

She may have been the whore who the men of the club claimed she was, but to me, she was always a good mother. Except for the part where she failed to tell me who my father was and allow me to be a part of his life. In that respect, she had been a selfish bitch, but I hadn’t known that when I first lost her. I simply knew she was my whole world.

Then, when Toby died, those first moments alone after, they were a different kind of pain that was laced with all my regrets for not making things better between us sooner. I could have helped our relationship along quicker. I didn’t and that would always be a weight on my heart.

When I’d finally been told that Deck was missing, that was an entirely different kind of pain. While it was one laced with hope that he’d return, it still killed tiny little pieces of me as I tried to breathe and live without him by my side for the first time since we were married. So, yeah, I didn’t know exactly what my father was going through, but I knew that the love of his life was gone. They had been married for 29 years and they had met and started their journey together almost 38 years ago. I hadn’t been alive that long. My parents had loved one another for almost a decade longer than I’d been alive, and I couldn’t wrap my brain around just how devastating a loss like that would be. I was damn near crippled by Deck being missing, and there was still a chance that he might come home to me.

“Do you think he’ll be okay?” I asked after my sister and Joker approached with their family.

My sister just sniffed and shook her head. “How could he be?”

“He laughed today, that has to be a good sign, right?”

“Why did you say that? I still can’t believe you called the priest out for being so darn long-winded.”

I giggled quietly. “Can I tell you a secret and not have you think I’m crazy?”

“Well, I pretty much know you’re crazy, but you can tell me and I’ll pretend as usual.”

“Brat!” I teased my little sister and then I told her about what prompted me to lose my patience with the priest. She glanced over to Toby’s grave and then smiled back at me.

“I believe you,” she whispered and then leaned in to hug me. My little sister and I had become so close since we both went through a pregnancy together. To be honest, it made me realize all that I had been missing by pushing her away when we were younger. Granted, I had my reasons and they revolved around protecting her from any taint she may have gotten from me, but still… I wished we had been closer for longer.

“How about we set something up, a timeshare if you will, about who stays with Daddy?” She asked me.

I narrowed my eyes on my little sister. “If you think dad will allow that, you have been smoking some pretty good shit, and I’m mad at you for not sharing!”

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