Page 21 of Everlasting

“I don’t want to go with her!” I was very adamant about that.

“Sasha is not your home,” he assured me and made me wonder if the Ever person he had spoken of before was my home. It felt like the truth when I thought her name again.

Chapter 16

Letters from Lucy

Lucy

I only had one more letter left to read. Somehow, I’d managed to go through the hundreds that he had written to me over the years. There really had been one in there for every single day we’d ever been separated. I was saving the last one though, because I decided that there was something I needed to do too. Reading through all those letters brought me closer to CJ. It brought me to a place where I felt I knew him better, where my heart was a little more his. My family would receive the same thing from me before I left this world.

So, I sat and penned a letter to each of my children. Within them was also a little something for my grandchildren too. When I said I wrote to each of my children, I meant it, Toby was included in that. I’m not sure why my heart compelled me to write to him as well. It just didn’t seem right to leave him out, even if he could never read it himself.

Once I was done, they were put aside and my letter to CJ flowed from my fingertips onto the page with ease, because I knew my heart and the parts I wanted to share with him.

CJ,

You have been many things to me over the years. You were once my sweet and sexy biker boy who first made me understand what it felt like to be a woman. To be wanted, cherished, and not seen just as a trophy someone might win, but as their partner. Then you grew into the man who loved me so hard, so fiercely that I was duped into believing you would do something to jeopardize that. I know it doesn’t sound possible, but your love was so complete and unwavering that, to my youth and uncertainty, it read as impossible. Then you were my lover, my children’s father, and my champion always. I’ve been disappointed a few times over the years, you never failed me. We failed one another from time to time, but after reading your letters, I think I realize what we’ve been fighting against for most of our relationship. We were fighting against ourselves more than each other.

The whole time, you had your dad and his mistakes, riding your back. Then you had what happened to you all those years ago. The self-doubt and self-loathing you carried away from that experience rode you hard too, babe. It ate at your heart and pushed you to do things out of character for you.

I had my parents’ mistakes, the secret of my birth, feeling unwanted, and never in control of anything. Those things made me see the world in a different light for a while too. What happened to us over the years, being betrayed by someone I spent my life building a friendship with, made me lose faith in people. It made me lose faith in you too, but more importantly, I lost faith in myself and it allowed for doubt and fear to rule where truth and understanding should have won.

You see, we both made mistakes. Both of us were to blame for every single failing in our union, but we were also meant to take credit for all of our triumphs too, my love. That’s something I rarely saw you do in your letters. We didn’t always get things right, but when we messed up, we always, ALWAYS put them back together again in the end. Toby’s death lies in the hands of evil people who did horrible things. No matter if we had taken different paths, I believe it was still something that could have happened. The more important thing was that while he was here with us on this Earth, you were an amazing father. You loved him from the moment you saw him and that love has never wavered. You doted on and adored our daughter and in turn she became the beautiful, accomplished woman she is today. She’s a brilliant mother, and that is down to the fact that we didn’t leave her with all the baggage that our parents left us with. She is everything we succeeded at in life. Anna is our greatest hit, because she’s the one we affected the least.

I know, at this juncture, you’re thinking ‘but what about Ever?’. Well, she came to us amid a certain amount of turmoil. She brought with her, even though she didn’t know it or mean to, a whole lot of horrible memories. With Ever, we both had to learn to see past our own mistakes and failings. While you were doing that, you made some more. But I wouldn’t be with you today had you not fixed it, had you not learned and moved on. We aren’t perfect, never were, and no one out there is. Ever has forgiven you. In her heart of hearts, you were forgiven the moment she put that tattoo on you and explained its meaning. I forgave you. Our other children, I know they did too. Now, babe, it’s time to forgive yourself. It’s time to let go of all of those things that hold you back from enjoying the rest of your life.

I’m not always going to be around, and I know you think that you will leave this mortal world first, but just in case that’s not true, there are some things I need you to remember as you move on.

First, it’s okay to be happy again. I will be really disappointed if I think you pushed happiness out of your life just because I wasn’t around any longer.

Second, you can’t be happy and live your life without accepting everything about yourself, forgiving the wrongs, and making sure that you never repeat them. Love our children and grandchildren with all of you, not just the pieces you think are untainted, because there is nothing wrong with you. You aren’t dirty. Your soul isn’t broken. Your heart isn’t black. Live your life and love our family. Do it with everything you have inside of you, because you’ll be doing it for the both of us until we meet again.

Finally, you need to believe the words you kept repeating throughout all of your letters. Our story isn’t over. We are more than what we’ve been allotted on this Earth. We are eternal. Even if there’s another after me, we will still be together again in another place, where jealousy and heartache don’t exist. We’ll have our joy, love, and understanding on the other side for the rest of ever. So, live your life, be well, love until your heart hurts and then a little bit more. And when I see you again, I’ll be able to feel all that I missed through you.

Don’t ever doubt us, because you, my love, you are my forever. You are my soulmate, CJ, and not even death can break that bond.

With all my heart, Always and Forever,

Your Lucy

Chapter 17

The Nameless

Ever

The familiar rumble of a motorcycle caused me to look up from where my son was nursing at my breast. Tiger Lily had taken the girls on a shopping trip because they were a little jealous of the new baby and all the presents he received since we got home from the hospital. They understood up to a point, but they were still young too.

Thankfully, my boy was just about done with his meal so I wouldn’t have to worry about covering up. I almost felt like I was smothering my child every time I had to do it, but honestly, my breasts were large enough before they filled out with pregnancy and filled up with milk. There was no way I was going to plop one out in front of a bunch of bikers when they came around to see the newest member of the club. Those assholes, family or not, were a bunch of pervs with boob jokes for days.

I tucked my son up on my shoulder and started patting his back as I walked to the front door. I swung it open before my father could ring the bell or knock. It appeared he was going to knock since his hand was still raised with knuckles up and at the ready. “Hey, Dad,” I greeted as I slung the door open wide and stepped back out of the way so he could pass by.

“I was just about to knock because I didn’t want to ring the bell and possibly wake your boy up.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it.” I closed and locked the door before him and then continued to pat my son’s back until I heard his adorable little burp. “Do you have any more in there for me?” I asked the baby even though I knew he couldn’t answer. I talked to my children when they were too little to talk back to me. Didn’t matter. I liked to think it would help with their language skills one day when they were capable.

“You always were an excellent mother. You remind me so much of Lucy,” my dad commented. I simply smiled up at him because that was the best thing a person could say. A comparison to my Momma-Luce was like nothing else. She was the standard others strived for.

---