Page 22 of Everlasting

“You didn’t have to come in person,’ I told him. “Jay already called to tell me the news.” Once again, they thought a legitimate lead had come in, only for everything to go bust and the men to come home empty handed once again. I gently moved my son from my shoulder and tucked him into my arms to snuggle a minute so I could collect my thoughts.

“Would you mind if I held him?” I turned my head up to see my dad standing there with such a hopeful look on his face. I moved closer to him, but he met me in the middle with his arms out in position to receive the baby. Dad took him and looked so natural standing there with a baby in his arms. “I missed this with you and your brother,” he started to say. I just stood and watched, taking it all in. “Not a day goes by that I don’t regret that. When Deck comes home, it will one day just creep up on him and he’s going to lose it a little, thinking about all the things he missed out on.”

My heart ached so much that I could feel the painful squeeze with each rapidly accelerating beat. “You didn’t find him,” I reminded him.

“That doesn’t mean I’ve lost hope that it will happen. You shouldn’t either. I made you a promise, and I intend to keep it. We will bring him home to you.”

“What if he doesn’t want to come?”

“You letting that bitch and her pictures get into your head again?”

That wasn’t something I wanted to happen, but I’d be lying if I told him no. “My heart knows what it saw and what those pictures weren’t. My head, my doubts, whatever it is in that dark space inside that has all the questions and worries… Deep down, I wonder if he hasn’t changed his mind. Not necessarily because it’s something he would normally do, but something he was forced to do. Or something he was forced to do has made him ashamed, or unable, or I don’t know. There are too many scenarios that have played themselves out in my head to keep track. I love my husband. I want him back, no matter what. We’ll deal with the fallout, doesn’t matter what it is. I just want him back and a part of me wonders if that will ever happen.”

I laughed, though there was no humor in the sound. “I had a dream just before the baby was born. It seemed so damn real.”

“I often dreamed of Lucy when we were separated. Vivid, lifelike dreams.”

I shook my head. “It wasn’t Deck I was dreaming of. I thought it would be, but when the fog cleared, it was Toby. He told me that he was working on things and would help get Deck back. He told me to hang in there and that he would be back soon.” I swiped angrily at the traitorous tears that managed to get past my stubborn need to hold them in. “I believed him. I refused to name my own son because I just knew that Deck would be coming home in time to do it.”

“You still haven’t named him?” My dad asked, concern etched in the lines of his face. Lines that had grown deeper and more permanent as time passed.

“I have in here,” I told him as I pointed to my own head, but out loud, no.”

“Oh, sweetheart, you need to name your boy. Deck wouldn’t want this. Not for either of you. It’s not fair for your boy to wait on a name too. He’s already waiting to meet his daddy.”

“What if he hates it?”

“What if he hates it? Deck? Ever, honey, he’s going to love his son no matter what happens, no matter the name you gave him. Hell, if I know that man as well as I think I do, he’ll cherish the name because you were the one to give it to his son when he couldn’t.” And that was where I lost my battle with my emotions. Sobs broke free along with the tears. I knew he was right. I just couldn’t bring myself to face my own fears.

“I’m just afraid that if I name him, if I make it all real, then he’ll think we’ve given up on him coming back.”

“You know that’s not true. He’ll know it too.”

“I just need him back, dad. I need him back here with us.”

“I know you do, baby girl. I know.” My father then did something I didn’t have a whole lot of experience with. He pulled me into the arm that wasn’t holding my son, and he held onto me so tight that for the first time in months, I felt like I wouldn’t float away. He let me stay there, in the protected embrace of his arms, until I finally got myself under control. Then he tipped my chin up and looked me in the eye. “Now tell me my grandson’s name,” he demanded.

“Archer,” I whispered.

“Archer,” he repeated with a grin. “That’s a solid name you have there, little man. Won’t even need a road name when you join the club one day.”

I laughed at that, because it had been Deck’s fate too. He didn’t really get a road name, just a shortened version of his own. “Like father, like son,” I mumbled.

“Exactly!” My dad cooed at my boy. “You’re going to grow up big and strong just like your daddy, aren’t you! I know your sisters are older than you, but it’s still going to be your job to protect them and your momma from the world. Don’t worry, you have a really strong mom too. She’ll handle things until you’re able.”

Gah! My heart could not possibly continue to take the beating my dad was putting it through. At least these days, it was of the wonderfully beautiful variety though, rather than the heartbreaking beatings it used to take when he would ignore me.

“Thanks,” I managed to choke out.

“Don’t thank me for telling the truth,” he told me before planting a kiss on my forehead and then shifting his attention back to my son. “He really is a remarkable mix of the two of you.”

“I know. I can’t wait to see what he looks like as he grows up.”

“Don’t rush it away. Time goes too fast already, especially when you’re well loved. Those bitches that call themselves the fates like to slow things down when you’re miserable. When you’re happy, in love, or your heart is full, time speeds on like a rocket until you look up one day and realize how much of it has passed you by.”

“Feeling your old age?” I asked with a grin.

He scratched at his completely silver beard. “I guess you could say that.”

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