Page 44 of A Love So Hard

I grinned at her. “It’s okay to tell me the truth. I bet it was exciting and scary all at once,” I encouraged. She tipped her head up and down a little more animatedly this time indicating that I was correct. “It was the same for me,” I explained and watched as her little eyebrows furrowed in to a point on her head. “We didn’t know about you either,” I further explained. “The first time I found out about you was a few minutes before you guys knocked on the door.” Her eyes widened as if realizing what I was saying.

“The way I behaved when I found out,” I started to explain, and hesitated as I gently took hold of one of her hands. “It was not okay, Ever. I was in shock, and when you’re older we can talk about why.”

“It’s because I wasn’t supposed to belong to my dad,” she offered with a wisdom I didn’t think an eight-year-old should be capable of.

“What?”

It was her turn to sigh. “Toby is your son.” It was a statement of fact and all I could do was nod my head. “Anna is your daughter.” Again, it was a statement. “You and my dad must have had a fight for a while, right?” Again, I could do nothing but nod my stupid head. “If you hadn’t been fighting, I probably wouldn’t be here, because my dad never would have met my mom.” God, what was going on right now?

“That’s very true.”

“So, you don’t want me here, because I’m not supposed to be,” she surmised.

I gasped, and then a tear managed to escape, sliding down my cheek. This beautiful little girl leaned in and with the hand I wasn’t holding she swiped away the tear that had tracked so hotly down my face.

“If you need me to go, I think Donna can find…” she started to suggest.

“God! No, Ever!” My voice rose with the demand and it caused her to jump back a little. “Never would I send you away,” I told her.

“But,” she started again and I hushed her.

“Listen to me, okay? Remember how you felt excited and scared to find out you had a dad?” She nodded. “Well, I did too. Only, the scared part hit me first. I was scared of what I didn’t understand.”

“You were scared of me?”

“Not in the way you probably think. I just, I wished I had known a little bit before you showed up so you never would have had to see me when I was scared.”

“You’re not scared anymore?”

“Nope,” I offered up cheerily. “You know what I am now?”

“What?”

“Excited,” I told her.

“Because of me?” She asked hesitantly.

“Yes, because you’re a part of your dad, your brother, and your sister and they’re all a part of my heart. That makes you my heart too, sweet girl.”

“Okay. I like that,” she admitted, and for the first time in so many days, the hurt in my heart eased and it began to welcome the little girl who would come to mean the world to me. Little did I know, though, that I’d just set CJ and myself up for a bit of role reversal.

“Where’s the other princess, today?” PeeWee asked, the sneer in his voice evident. I had walked into the clubhouse with Anna this morning after she asked to go for a ride on daddy’s bike. We had managed to get about half way between home and the club anyway, before our short ride was interrupted by the constant vibrating of the cell phone in my pocket. I pulled over and answered it. Cell phones were great, but I couldn’t wait until the time I could answer it through my helmet so I wouldn’t have to do this shit when they kept calling.

Merc had asked me to stop by the clubhouse so that was how I ended up here with Anna along for the ride, and PeeWee questioning me about Ever. I didn’t bring Ever around much because of the animosity the other brothers felt toward her. I knew there was hostility due to how she came into this world, and I should have quashed it sooner, but honestly, I needed to blow off some steam about Ever too sometimes. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop with Lucy where she was concerned. For some fuckin’ reason that she had yet to explain to me, Lucy did a complete 180 where Ever was concerned and was now all over her like a mother-hen watching her eggs.

Like an asshole, I waited for Ever to screw it up. I waited for Lucy to go back to hating the little girl, and waited for her to run from me again because it was all too much. I hadn’t been blind to the fact that Lucy was incredibly jealous of the fact that I’d willingly been with someone other than her. It was something she had a lot of trouble dealing with over the years despite the fact that I didn’t dwell on the fact she had another man in her life for quite some time. That bastard met his end in prison at the hands of Timeless, my old Prez. The bastard wanted to atone for giving up his daughter to another man, and for forcing the man who stepped in as her father to lie to her for entire life about her parentage. He went down and got himself arrested and convicted of some bullshit crime, and the club pulled some favors to ensure he ended up in lockup with the prick who had put Lucy in the hospital with the beating he’d thrown her. Once he was able to get in close, a home made shank took care of the asshole, and earned Timeless another twenty years on his original five year sentence. Twenty years would end up being a life time for him though, because he was killed in the same prison only two years later. He wasn’t targeted, just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I hadn’t told Lucy. I tried once, but she stopped me the minute his name left my lips. “Maybe one day, but I don’t want to hear anything about him today,” she had told me. I left it at that. We’d had a quiet funeral for him in Florida instead of bringing him home to South Carolina. It had been his last wish to stay there, because he didn’t feel he deserved to come home.

Now, I wondered every day what would happen when Lucy found that out. What would happen when Ever had a bad day, did something stupid, or whatever would trigger a Lucy-meltdown. I realized pretty quickly that anxiety and agitation levels were ramped up pretty high, because all I could think about since Ever’s arrival was when it was going to happen. I didn’t trust this new Lucy. The one who stuck it out, the one who I caught teaching her secret chocolate walnut cookie recipe to Ever two days ago was not the one I expected.

So, to say I’d hashed these thoughts out with my brothers was an understatement. I’d fuckin’ laid my soul to bear and worried about it all over drinks with them more than a time or two since Ever’s arrival. Especially in the first week when I thought Lucy was for sure going to leave – when I had to spend my nights sleeping in the clubhouse because I was afraid to go to her at night. I was waiting for her to tell me to get the hell out with my daughter, or get rid of Ever. That was ultimately what I thought would happen. My brothers new it, and they didn’t blame Lucy for feeling crazy about things. Nope. They placed the blame firmly on my daughter’s tiny shoulders, and because I was a confused, stupid, and frightened asshole I had let them.

Because of that, I made sure not to bring around the clubhouse too much. It was off limits to her unless Lucy was the one to bring her. So, I found myself turning to the sneering face of my club brother as he spat out Ever’s new moniker like it was poison on his tongue. “Wasn’t planning on coming here,” I let him know. “Was out taking my little princess for a ride when Merc kept buzzing my cell.” I bopped Anna on the nose with my finger as I mentioned her being my little princess. I’d been calling her that since the day she was born and nothing was going to change that.

Not even the introduction of a new daughter into the mix could change my baby girl’s nickname. Ever was still standoffish with me, and I’ll be honest, I didn’t put a whole lot of heart into trying to get to know her either. We were basically strangers living in the same house. I didn’t know how to make that connection, because I never had to try with Anna – the connection was there from the first time I talked to her through her momma’s belly when Lucy first told me she was pregnant. I didn’t get that with Ever. I hadn’t had that with Toby either, but we were able to bond anyway, because I became his hero after rescuing his mom from the bad man and taking them somewhere better.

“Need me to keep an eye on her while you see Merc?” PeeWee offered, his tone changing completely as he leaned down to give Anna a piece of the cherry candy he always had tucked away in a pocket for her. Between that man and Crow with his lollipops for Anna, my daughter was bound to have her teeth rot out of her mouth before she could form all the adult ones for herself.

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