Page 43 of A Love So Hard

The woman once again explained the little girl’s situation to us, more for my benefit than CJ’s. I just stood there for a moment wondering how the hell this was happening to us. “What do we do if this doesn’t work out? I mean, she’s a stranger to all of us,” I finally blurted out. I’d heard horror stories of kids who came into family homes later in life.

Donna, as she’d informed me again once we got to the kitchen didn’t even try to hide the glare she was shooting in my direction. I waited for CJ to say something to her about it, but I couldn’t see his reaction, because I refused to look at him too. If I looked at either of them – CJ or the girl – it would all be real.

“She is Mr. Brothers’ biological child.” Donna both admonished and slapped me in the face with our reality in that one statement. “We understand that this is an extreme situation since you didn’t know about her. If for any reason it doesn’t work out you can contact me and I will try to find her different placement. I will warn you now though,” she stated coolly as she turned her attention to CJ instead of me, “that finding placement for an eight-year-old child isn’t easy. She’ll likely go into the foster care system and be bounced around there until she ages out. There was no other family on her mother’s side to take her that we could find. You are that little girl’s only option for a stable home at this point.”

“What if she’s a monster? I’ve heard horror stories about things like this?”

“Really, Lucy?” CJ’s angry voice forced me to finally look at him, but seeing the truth there in his eyes only made me more desperate to get us out of this situation. It was a nightmare. Then Donna started talking again and I just wanted to scream and cry and get into a time machine so I could undo everything that led us to this moment we were currently living.

“She’s been nothing but a sweet girl since I picked her up. She’s sad right now because her mom died, and the poor thing was there when it happened. She called 911 and then held her mom until the ambulance got there. It will take a while for her to move past that. She’s a bit more quiet and withdrawn than I would like to see, but considering what she’s just been through and knowing she’s being left in the care of strangers, I can’t say that I blame her.”

“Great!” I huffed out, throwing my hands in the air like a petulant child in the middle of a hissy fit. “So she’s going to be a mute, depressed kid. What if she tries to hurt my children?”

“That is enough, Lucy! We are done with this bullshit. This is MY daughter we are talking about, and you are going to stop trying to make excuses for why she can’t be here with us.” The words, “MY daughter” broke my heart in two. His daughter. She would always be his daughter with another woman. Our family would include a child he had with someone other than me. No matter how I phrased it I couldn’t stop the tears that fell as I turned away from the both of them to go check on Toby and his best friend. I had already agreed Jason could come over before I knew Donna would be showing up with this little girl. “Thank you, Donna. I’m sure we’ll adjust once all the dust settles. This has been a shock to all of us.” I heard CJ tell the woman in explanation for my less than stellar welcome.

“I understand,” Donna replied curtly as I moved away from the two of them to the opposite side of the kitchen from where we entered. I moved until I could see the children in the other room. They’d been listening in which made me feel bad. The kid had heard me ask if she was a monster. I stab of guilt hit me right in my heart. That pain grew worse as I stood there and listened to Toby introduce himself to her, ask questions, and then he flat out told the girl that pregnant women must not like to tell his dad that they’re pregnant. I almost laughed at that. It wasn’t the case at all for me, but one day my son would learn the truth about our situation. He simply wasn’t old enough to understand how much a family’s betrayal could hurt the people they supposedly loved. Another stab of guilt hit me as I wondered if my reaction would be seen as a betrayal to CJ.

I was lost in thought for a moment before I tuned back in to the conversation the children were having in time for my son to basically land a roundhouse kick to my gut with his words. “Everything will be okay, Ever. Me and Jason will protect you. You’re my sister, and that’s my job. Jay will do it because he’s my best friend so it’s his job too.”

She was his sister.

She was Anna’s sister.

She was CJ’s other daughter.

She was a reminder that our love hadn’t always been strong enough, and now I would have to help raise another woman’s child, because I had failed my man. I had listened to the wrong people. I had trusted in family when I shouldn’t have. Worse than all my regrets from the past was that was my son was able to accept her for exactly who she was when that was the same reason I was having trouble accepting anything about this situation. It all hit me at once. I didn’t mean for the sob to escape.

“It seems the kids, at least, know what to do to make things work,” Donna commented from somewhere behind me. I turned and basically ran to the one bedroom that was on the first floor and bolted myself inside until I could get myself together.

It took me a few days to pull myself together, and wrap my head around our new situation. During that time CJ didn’t even bother sleeping in our room with me. I don’t know if he was angry with me, or just couldn’t face the fact that I was having such a difficult time with this. I knew, somewhere deep down, he was afraid I’d run. It would have been something I would have done years ago. I was a runner, apparently. My flight or fight response tended to lean heavily to the flight side of the spectrum. Not that I wouldn’t stand up for myself, but just that when it came to facing heartbreak head on or not, I chose the not every time. I don’t know why I always thought it would hurt less that way. It absolutely didn’t. If anything, I’d learned from my own mistakes. It hurt worse. Far worse. We were living in the middle of how much worse my running reflexes could make things. If I hadn’t run…

I shook the thought off. I wouldn’t go back down that road. What ifs tended to suck you in and hold you captive with their illogical conclusions. I couldn’t change the past, and if I could, I’d have to deal with the consequences of those changes. What if never having Ever meant also never having Anna? See, things like that were what was keeping me from spiraling even further down the hole od despair I’d allowed myself to dive into.

The first time CJ took his daughter to the club, I refused to go. I stayed home with Anna while CJ, Toby, and the girl took off. When they came back everyone was quiet, and CJ had to leave again almost immediately. He popped his head in the door. “I have to go for a bit, club business. I can’t take her with me. If this is going to be a problem for you, I’ll call Tiger Lily and get her to…”

“No,” I called out. What kind of a horrible person was I that my own husband, my old man, couldn’t trust me with this child? “It’s fine. I’ll be out in a minute,” I told him as he turned to leave. He hesitated, his hand tapping lightly on the doorway as he stood there with his back rigid.

“Can’t change things now, Luce. I never would have wanted this for you, but she is mine, and we’re going to have to learn to deal with that. If you don’t think you can,” he paused briefly, and I could feel the hurt that was clouding his voice, making it thicker than usual. “You need to let me know so we can figure things out.” He never turned back to look at me the whole time he spoke. It was as if he couldn’t get the words out if he had to see me while he spoke them and that was a pain I didn’t think my heart could bear. I was doing this. No one else. I was the jerk that was making my man think he had to chose between me and a daughter he didn’t know anything about previously, but wanted to do right by.

How could I keep him from that? How could I make him feel bad about that decision? My own biological father had given me away and never looked back. I knew what it felt like to be the little girl trapped in the woman’s body when I found out who my real father was. I remember the betrayal I felt. I also remember that the man I’d always thought of as my father had been there from the beginning, as if he actually was. I’d been closer to him growing up than anyone else. He had loved me so hard through everything even knowing that someone else had made me with the woman who he considered the love of his life. I think, sometimes, that my mother tainted the great man that he was. I liked to believe that he would never had made the decisions that affected my life the way it had – that resulted in the possibility of Ever – because my mom had poisoned him over the years.

The thought of Jack Carter made me ache inside. I wanted so badly to be able to forgive, and have my daddy back, but it was too late for that. He had passed three years ago, never having gotten to meet Anna, because I still wasn’t speaking to him then. There was no chance for forgiveness, and this week, when I was still feeling the ripple effects of his decisions and his betrayal… I wasn’t sure forgiveness was ever possible. I did know one thing though; I had to thank Jack Carter for reminding me that you don’t have to be blood to be family. The poor little girl out there had lost the only family she’d ever known, and when she was brought to my family, I had behaved deplorably. I didn’t need to offer anyone else forgiveness when I had my own to seek in the heart of a little girl that I helped damaged with my behavior.

I moved to leave the room, touching the same spot in our bedroom doorway where CJ’s hand had thrummed against the wood. I imagined I could still feel the heat of his palm there in the wood. I couldn’t lose him. I couldn’t lose our family, because I was hurting inside over things that couldn’t be changed.

When I got to the living room she was sitting there balled up in the corner of the couch while Toby sat towards the middle with the remote control in his hands. “What about this one?” He asked her. Anna was lying on the floor with her coloring book and crayons, oblivious to the rest of the world, as usual. Toby noticed me first and very hesitantly called out to me. “Mom?” His voice was full of worry, and just the fact that he’d called me mom instead of his usually, momma, nearly sent me running in tears again. Lord, I needed to sheer up these emotions and get a hold of myself in a big way if even my son was unsure of me.

“Hey baby, what you watching?” I asked in a chipper voice.

He shrugged his shoulders, eyes still narrowed on me, assessing what I was all about. I ignored him for the time being. For the first time since she came to us days ago, I turned my eyes on Ever and nearly hissed back the shock at what I saw. She had her father’s eyes, lighter hair than his our children’s though. Damn if it didn’t look like she was an offspring we could have produced together, which made me wonder what the woman had looked like. I never asked before, because I didn’t need anything adding to the visual of my man with someone else, but now, I truly wondered.

“Ever,” I tried to get out and stumbled over her name a bit as I did. She glanced up, worry etched across her face as she sank deeper into the couch, as if trying to hide from me. “Could I talk to you in the kitchen for a minute?”

The girl glanced over at my son, as if to ask him if it was going to be all right. He smiled at her. “My mom’s a nice lady. She’s just been a little confused. You’ll be okay,” he reassured her and damn if I didn’t feel that stab of guilt all over again. I’d caused so much damage with my reaction. I wished, again for the thousandth time, that CJ had enough faith to tell me the minute he found out she could be his instead of waiting until a few minutes before the social worker showed up at our door to drop on us. I had no time to wrap my head around anything, and my reaction as I attempted to do that ended up hurting everyone.

Ever hesitantly got up and scooted toward the kitchen. I didn’t wait for her. Instead I moved to go in there first. I went to the cabinet and grabbed the cookies I had stashed there, then moved to grab two glasses, poured milk, and set them on the table while Ever took a seat in front of one of them. “This conversation requires cookies and milk,” I informed her. Nothing. No response. She just sat there with her hands in her lap watching me as I took the seat at the end of the table, putting her to my right-hand side.

I sighed and then looked this little girl in the eyes – those deep ocean-blue eyes that were so much her father’s. “Do you remember how you felt when strangers took you after your mom?” A small nod tipped her head up then down again, but her eyes never left mine. “When they told you that you had a dad, were you excited to find that out?” Her head shook left and right very slowly, but her voice came out as a mousy little squeak when she said, “yeah,” very timidly.

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