Page 84 of The Book Swap

I lick my lips, shaking my head. “I don’t think so. She’s just gone.”

“What the hell did you do this time?”

I stare toward the door. Maybe I should have run after her, but I don’t have a good history with Erin accepting my apologies. She needs time.

“I told her about Bonnie. I don’t think she took it well.”

“But she knows the truth, at least? No secrets between you now,” Joel says, always trying to find the positive.

“Nothing at all between us now, I don’t think.”

He’s right though. Even through all the confusion written on her face as I tried to explain myself, the pain in her eyes when I spoke about Bonnie is what stood out most of all. If in some way I’ve eased that, then all this is worth it. It’s worth it, even if I’ve lost her.

“I was so sure this was going to end up as one of those big love stories,” Joel says, shaking his head.

“Me too, mate. I guess it was meant to stay in the past.” I rub my forehead, trying to wipe the pain away with it. All I’ve ever wanted is Erin. Why is it that every time we get close, I manage to do something to destroy it? I’ve spent so long hoping that one day we might be together, I’ve lost track of reality. She’ll never be able to forgive me. Not now.

I think about the book I’m writing. I’ve been stuck on the last chapter, and it’s suddenly become clear why. I needed to know how it all ends, and now I do.

Leaving the memorial, I pull off these ridiculous high heels and walk home in bare feet, parting with Joel at the bottom of Catherine Hill. I creep up the stairs to my bedroom and go straight to my laptop, and start typing. I write the ending that’s needed, not the one I wished for. Then, before I can chicken out, or let the fear take over, I hit Reply to Sophia’s email, and attach my novel. I call it The Perfect History.

In the morning I wake up early and go downstairs to make a coffee. Elliot, Carl and Jordan are sleeping in and Mum isn’t coping with Dad back in hospital. He’s gone in to have a stent fitted and Mum’s been in her room since she found out. I’ve been teaching Elliot what needs doing. Allowing him to make up for the time he’s missed, while giving myself some time to heal from Mum’s words.

As I wait for my coffee, I go onto YouTube, finding the videos I need. Then I carry my mug through to the sitting room, where I push the television and chair back into the dining room and finally start rolling out the underlay.

At some point, Elliot appears. He’s in his pajamas, and it reminds me of when we were kids, coming down in the morning to watch TV together.

Without saying a word, he walks to one end of the sofa, which I hadn’t been able to move alone. I take the other end and we carry it out of the way, and return to the underlay. Together, we roll out the rest, and I hand him the knife to trim it. Then I throw him a roll of adhesive, and we start at separate ends of the room, taping it down.

“How was last night?” he asks, eventually.

“Erin got up on stage, and said she forgave me,” I reply.

Elliot knows everything now. “That’s great.”

“Then she found out about Bonnie and left.”

He pauses. “Ah. Just give it some time. At least it’s all out in the open now.”

“I guess. Although given how long it took her to forgive my last mistake, I’m not sure.”

He frowns, resting his hand against the carpet. “Caring for Bonnie the way you did was not a mistake. It won’t take her long to realize that.”

I look over at him, so happy to have my brother back.

It falls quiet again. We keep going.

“I’m sorry that I haven’t been here with Mum. It’s bloody hard work. Harder than you made it sound.”

We’re moving closer toward each other as we keep sticking down the underlay.

“You know she said something interesting to me last night? She said her mother had electric shock therapy.”

I pause, looking at him. “Granny?”

“Yeah. She was really unwell for a long time. Her mum before her too. You didn’t do this to her, James. It’s just one of those things. It’s just who our mum is.”

Frowning, I stare at the ground. Can that be true? That maybe she’d have become ill anyway, even without me?

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