Page 69 of Pulled Away

There comes a time in life when you have to be honest with yourself. And I did just that, by admitting to myself that I kept plugging away at my degree for the wrong reasons. So for now, I’m letting it go. I don’t have the time, energy, or money for it. Who knows, in the future, I might pick it back up again.

Carter said that I don’t need to hurry, but I want my own place. One where I don’t have to share with anyone. One where I can lick my wounds in privacy and don’t have to muffle my sobs in my pillow when missing Ryan gets too much.

Because there’s still a huge, gaping hole in my heart, and no matter how much I try shoveling things in it to fill it, it’s stubborn. It keeps whispering that I’m shoveling the wrong things.

I realized something after our night at Frosty’s. That driving anger I felt has shifted to sadness and disappointment. And somehow, that’s worse. With anger fueling everything I did, I felt like a swimmer, determined to reach the shore and out swimming a current trying to drag me under.

Now it feels like I’m just floating in place, allowing that current to impose its will on me. I want that anger back because anger gives you strength, and I need all the strength I can get right now.

The way Ryan cut Hadley down in front of everyone was a real eye-opener. He’s typically not a mean person, preferring to be the voice of reason in heated or difficult situations, so the way he treated her spoke volumes. He wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t love her.

But does that make things better or worse?

If he loves me like he says he does, shouldn’t I come first? Shouldn’t he have protected our relationship above all else?

Since Hadley arrived, he didn’t put me or us first. Not even once. The ease with which he allowed her to come between us makes me think he might love me, just not enough. And it’s so damn confusing. How he treated me and how he talked about our future made me believe we were on the same page.

Now, I'm left questioning everything, feeling like I've lost not only our future but also our past because it didn’t happen the way I thought it did. He didn’t love me the way I thought he did. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, admitting to yourself that you love someone more than they love you.

Shaking my head, I push those feelings of inadequacy down. Or I try to, but my mind is like a relentless beast circling injured prey, and I continually have to guard against these feelings trying to beat me down.

Having a night off nowadays is rare and Carter doesn’t have plans tonight, so I’m cooking and after that, I’m planning a long soak in the tub.

I’m in the mood for comfort food tonight—I want to eat my feelings—so I grab a slab of Hershey’s and a pack of M&M’s and add it to the packet of apple-cured bacon in my shopping cart.

Rounding the aisle, I stop when I spot Hadley. She has her back to me, but there’s no mistaking her hair.

What are the freaking odds of running into her here, of all places?

Rage that’s a constant simmer in my veins when I see her, threatens to erupt like a volcano.

How hard must you ram someone with a shopping cart to inflict damage? A permanent limp? Yeah, I could go for that. I’m not a person who easily hates, but her? I detest her with every fiber of my being.

Maybe if I take a running start, I can build up enough velocity to send her flying into that tower of tuna cans next to her, which would hopefully result in some minor disfigurement so that her outside can match her inside.

No, Aspen. There will be no throwing down in a grocery store, I admonish myself. But damn, it would feel good.

But maybe…maybe rubbing in her humiliation from the other night might come a close second.

“Run out of chamomile tea? I’m surprised you’re still here.” I stop and lean against my cart, eying her. “The town, that is. Not the store.”

“Go away, Aspen,” she snaps at me, making me grin.

“I did go away, and yet here you are. No friends and certainly no precious Ryan.”

She turns to me and if I had any sense of self-preservation, I would step back, because she looks ready to murder me. Instead, my grin widens.

“Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I warned you, the truth always has a way of coming out.”

She crosses her arms. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“I certainly am. ‘Ryan’s always loved me. He always will love me.’” I parrot her words back to her. “After Frosty’s, I think you’re shit out of luck. Ryan’s free and clear and he still doesn’t want you. How does that feel?”

She steps closer to me and I fist my hands. Fuck not throwing down in a grocery store. If she swings at me, I’m sure as hell swinging back.

“Ryan sees you as a pity project,” she says with a condescending smile. “He’s going to get bored with you, eventually. You just watch.”

“Hmm, just like he did with you? I mean, that’s the only way you could keep him by your side, right? Playing the victim. Emotional manipulation. Taking advantage of a good person. The building blocks of any healthy relationship.”

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