Page 34 of Pulled Away

Three nights ago, I cried myself asleep. I was on the cusp of sleep when Ryan came in. He must have thought—or hoped—that I was asleep because he tried to be quiet. But it was once he was settled, that he whispered, “I love you, Aspen,” before rolling over with a heavy sigh. Is this what our relationship has come to? Muted whispers in the dark of night? I couldn’t stop the tears, but at least they were silent.

Ryan told me in passing that he put in for personal leave. There is so much that needs to be done—funeral arrangements; packing up her father’s belongings; meeting with the Executor of his estate—and she needs him by her side for everything.

She’s going through the death of a loved one. And me? I’m going through the death of a relationship.

Ryan

When it rains, it pours.

Aspen has pulled away, completely.

To blame her would be completely unfair, yet a small part of me does.

I’ve told her I love her, that she’s it for me. Why can’t she believe me? Why can’t she see this for what it is? That I’m supporting a friend who has no one else? She’s allowed her insecurities to come between us, and it’s making this situation more difficult. I’m trying to be there for Hadley, but who’s there for me?

I know I messed up by not telling her that Hadley and I were married. It was a decision I made, and in hindsight, it was the wrong one. The guilt I feel for that is overwhelming. Especially when I look in her eyes and I see the betrayal shining back at me. I’m the one who should have told Aspen, and I could have killed Hadley for saying it, but I can’t blame Hadley for my sins. How could she have known I was keeping it from Aspen? I never asked her to keep it quiet, so that’s on me. I just assumed that it was in the past and that’s where it would stay. Stupid of me. I had my reasons for not telling her and she deserves an explanation. But explaining it to her will take time. Time I don’t have right now. But we’ve been together long enough that she should know me. Have faith in me.

I should have done everything differently. Fuck keeping up appearances with Benjamin and Nicole. I should have somehow stopped her from leaving and sent Benjamin and Nicole home. Or better yet, given Hadley my car keys and told her to take them somewhere else.

But I thought I’d have time. How was I supposed to know Hadley’s dad was going to pass away right then? It’s the worst timing, almost like the universe is throwing me a big “fuck you.” Which is a terrible thing to think because I’m making it about myself. I never liked the man, and he never liked me, but it’s not like he consciously picked his moment of death.

I was driving myself crazy, waiting for Aspen to come home. Then she texted, saying she was staying over at Piper, and if I didn’t know I was in trouble before, that cemented it. I was in bed, pondering my miserable life decisions, when I heard the front door open. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest, thinking she had changed her mind, but my happiness changed to confusion when a sobbing Hadley stumbled into my room instead.

She almost tackled me and it was all I could do to make out what she was saying between her sobs.

She had just received the call, and instead of comforting her, all I could think was what would Aspen think if she came home and found Hadley and me in our bed. I hustled her back to the apartment as fast as I could, and basically, that’s where I’ve been.

And then there’s Hadley. For the first time in my life, I’m feeling a touch of resentment towards her. She’s not allowing me a minute to catch my breath. To just think and sort through everything and come up with a plan to fix things.

I’m handling everything wrong. I can see it and I don’t know what to do about it.

My heart hurts for Hadley. Where I struck the jackpot with my parents, she got the complete opposite. She once confided in me she hoped that once her parents got older and their lives calmed down, they’d realize that they loved her. Hearing that nearly broke me. For the first time in my life, I resented the promise I made to keep the circumstances of Hadley’s conception a secret. The truth would hurt her for sure, but at least she’d know why they treated her the way they did. To know that their lack of love wasn’t because of anything she did. It was their inability to look beyond what happened and love her for who she was. It would take work, but with counseling, she’d eventually be able to make peace with it and move on. If not for that promise and Dad’s trust, I would have told her.

Both her parents are gone now, and none of that ever happened. She hasn’t said anything about it, but she can’t hide the devastation in her eyes. Not from me.

“So, what do you think?”

“About what?”

“Have you been listening to anything I’ve said?” Hadley asks, exasperated.

No, I haven’t. I’ve been thinking about Aspen. About how much I miss her, and how I hoped that tonight I’d be able to spend the night with her. Just the two of us. That was until Hadley had to pick a casket. She couldn’t answer the Funeral Director when he asked what her dad would have liked.

Driving back, she confessed through tears that she knows nothing about him. That she doesn’t even know how he took his tea. She cut me off when I gently suggested that we get Hannah or Bailey—both even—over to distract her, saying that she wasn’t feeling up to it.

Come to think of it, she has displayed no desire to see them since she’s been back.

She turns her laptop screen towards me, and I frown when I take in the pictures. It’s a resort, and it looks breathtaking. One image shows a massive swimming pool with a bridge crossing over it. Others show endless vistas of white sandy beaches hugging crystal-clear ocean water.

“What is this?” I ask, scrunching my face up in confusion.

“Do you remember your promise?”

Her voice is soft, hesitant, and she’s looking at the floor as if she’s scared to meet my eyes. “We’ll both be thirty soon.”

It hits me then. Fuck, she’s right. It’s Tenerife. She’s shown me enough pictures over the years that I’m surprised I didn’t recognize it immediately. In fact, I’ve completely forgotten about it. And my promise.

But that was years ago. Surely she can’t still think to keep to it?

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