Page 29 of Pulled Away

After a quick goodbye to Hadley, I rushed inside, hoping Aspen was still awake so we could talk about what happened. Sort it out, so that we didn’t go to sleep with the anger lingering between us. Again. My hopes were dashed when I found her curled on her side, as close to the edge as she could get, breathing deeply. At least she was home, in our bed, where she belonged. It was a hollow consolation as I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling, but at least it was something. I wanted to curl against her back, wrap my arms around her, and nestle my face against her hair, but I knew she wouldn’t want that. And I wasn’t about to violate her wishes while she was asleep. The night dragged by agonizingly slowly, sleep evading me mostly. So it’s a relief when she finally starts stirring.

“Good morning,” I whisper, watching her blink a few times.

She smiles that sleepy smile I love so much, my heart lifting, but then it dies a fiery death when last night’s events set in and it fades, leaving a blank expression in its wake.

“I’m so sorry, Aspen.”

Seconds tick by before she finally mumbles, “For what?”

I had a lot of time to think as the slow minutes ticked by, and I realized she had all the reasons in the world to be upset. I did ignore her, and on top of that, I said some horrible shit to her. Shit, I didn’t mean, but when I saw that guy next to her and the way he looked at her, reason went out the window.

“I dropped the ball last night. I got carried away by catching up and ignored you. It’s not an excuse. And what I said…” Shame for what I said to her has me dropping my eyes. Aspen’s one of the most giving, down-to-earth people I know, which is just one of the reasons that made me fall head-over-heels for her. “…I didn't mean it. My anger got the best of me and I lashed out. I didn't realize what I was saying until it was too late. That doesn't excuse my behavior at all. I was a fucking idiot.”

She purses her lips; her face dropping into a scowl.

“This is the worst argument we’ve had, and it scared me. You scared me. You attacked my character, Ryan. Not only that, you lashed out and tried to hurt me by calling me an attention seeker and a cheater. There will be arguments in the future, and what’s stopping you from doing it again when you get angry at me?”

I feel the stirrings of hope in my chest. Her face is stern, but her talk of the future still includes an “us.”

“I won’t,” I promise. “Seeing how my words hurt you…” I clench my jaw. “Aspen, you know me. You know that’s not the type of person I am. It’s just when I saw him talking to you, I lost it. I’m the one whose character should be attacked. Not yours.”

She sighs and sits up, rubbing her eyes.

“It’s not just that, Ryan.” She bites her lip, looking down, and I wait for her to compose her thoughts. “Ever since Hadley came, I feel like I’ve become second best. An afterthought. Last night just underscored that for me.”

I open my mouth, but she places a hand over it, effectively silencing me. “Please, this is hard for me. Let me just finish.”

At my nod, she drops her hands in her lap, worrying her lip again. I want to pull it out before she can break her skin, but decide keeping my hands to myself is the wisest course of action right now.

“She’s your friend, and I get it. She’s going through a tough time and you’re trying to do your best to support her. I get that too, and I admire you for it.”

“But?” I prompt when she falls silent.

She takes a deep breath, her shoulders stiffening. “It feels like there are no boundaries. I don’t like that you gave her a key. She comes and goes as she pleases, and we have no privacy anymore. I wake up knowing I have to hustle to get dressed because I don’t want her to see me in my PJs. You keep telling me this is my home, too,”—I nod because it’s true. It is our home—“but I can never just relax. I’m always feeling on guard.”

I sigh, rubbing my eyes. Me and Hadley have a long history together, whereas Aspen has only known her for a short while. In retrospect, giving Hadley the key without discussing it first is extremely shortsighted, and Aspen’s discomfort makes complete sense. How many more ways can I fuck up?

“That was wrong of me, and I should have spoken to you first, so I’m sorry. I didn’t think things through when I did that.”

She gives a small nod, acknowledging my apology, but I can see that she’s not done.

“I feel terrible saying this, but since she’s been here, everything has been about her. And I get it. I know what it’s like to lose a parent. But we have done nothing by ourselves besides sleep. We eat, she’s here. We watch TV, she’s here. We go anywhere, she’s with us. We’ve not had time just for us. And it’s hard. When I look at the two of you, the way you are with each other, it feels like I’m looking at a couple and I’m the outsider. What makes it harder is that I’ve tried getting to know her, but she doesn’t like me.”

“Aspen, the only one I have feelings for is you. Hadley and I are just friends.”

She sighs, her shoulders slumping in defeat, and I realize I’ve just completely invalidated her feelings. Taking a deep breath, I dare to reach out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “Tell me why you feel that way.”

“You’ve blown me off a few times now for her. You’re always talking about your history. Events I wasn’t there for. I get it. You’ve been in each other’s lives forever, but I don’t need to be reminded all the time. Like I said, all it does is make me feel like an outsider, an interloper in your relationship.

“You spend time with her during the day and then she’s with us all night until we go to bed. She’s always touching you in some way or cuddling on the couch with you. Like she has the right to. She treats this place like it’s hers. And you allow it. It’s disrespectful to me. From both of you. And then last night, not being spoken to, not being included in anything, was humiliating.”

I can see her anger mounting with every word, her eyes daring me to deny it, and I…can’t. Hadley and I have always had a touchy relationship, and I simply fell back into that pattern.

Fuck, I’ve gotten so wrapped up in my history and need to be there for Hadley that I’ve been a shit boyfriend to Aspen. It’s a miracle she hasn’t dumped my pathetic ass by now.

“I’m so sorry, baby.” Such inadequate words to make up for how I made her feel.

Her shoulders hitch, and a tear runs down her cheek, which she angrily brushes away.

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