Page 30 of Pulled Away

“It feels like I’m losing you,” she whispers, her eyes meeting mine, and they shine with heartbreak, “and I feel so helpless because I don’t know what to do about it.”

“Never.” Fuck space and fuck boundaries; I need her in my arms right now, so I do exactly that, leaning over and pulling her in my arms. “Fuck, Aspen. I’m so damn sorry.” I breathe into her hair, tightening my arms around her as if the strength of my grip alone can keep her with me forever. Just the thought of her not being in my life has my heart racing, and with her ear pressed against my chest, I’m sure she can hear it. “I’m so sorry,” I say again because saying it once, twice, three times is not even close to being enough. “The last thing I want is for you to doubt my love for you for even one second.” I pull back so I can see her face and wipe the tears from her cheeks. “You’re the love of my life, Aspen, and if you don’t know that, I’ve failed you. I’ll do better. I’ll be better. I promise.”

Her eyes search mine as if she’s trying to delve into my soul to confirm the truth of my words, and I let her, not hiding any of my feelings for her.

Her breath hitches, and then our lips connect, and when I take her down to the bed, our hands and lips are a flurry of impatience and need. When I enter her, it’s not gentle. It’s with the force of my feelings for her. It’s showing my passion and commitment to her, showing her what my piss-poor excuse for words can’t fully convey. And the way her nails rake down my back, how she moans and writhes beneath me shows me that she’s there with me. That she’s feeling exactly what I’m trying to tell her.

Chapter eleven

Aspen

After our talk this morning, I felt optimistic. I could feel Ryan’s sincerity in his apology and in the way he made love to me. I didn’t even allow Hadley, walking in super early, to spoil my mood. Not even when she made a comment under her breath about selfish people when Ryan was out of earshot. The minute I stopped trying to get her to like me, I stopped caring what she thought of me. Ryan’s actions—how he handles her—are the only ones that matter to me. Not hers. And if she does decide to move back? Well, I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. No use stressing about something that might or might not happen.

What did dampen my mood, though, was when Ryan informed me of Hadley’s invitation to their friends. The look I gave him clearly conveyed my “See what I’m talking about?”

He apologized, said she did it without his knowledge and he had words with her about it. That made me feel a tiny bit better, but not enough. He should have put his foot down and canceled.

It’s that time of the year when the days are nice and sunny and the evenings chilly, so we decided to eat outside. I briefly contemplated calling one of my girls to join us for moral support because I wasn’t in the mood to spend the day being ignored. Again. I decided against it because this was my home too, damn it, and I refused to be made to feel invisible in my home.

Ryan has made good on his apology, being extra attentive and including me in conversation. Whenever conversation lingered too long in the past, he’d steer it back to topics I could join in on. I appreciate his efforts, but I don’t know. I still don’t want to be here. With them. I want time to rewind and go back to how life was before Hadley.

“This reminds me of those nachos we had after you got married,” Nicole says, popping a chip into her mouth. “Just better.”

“We were broke college students. We couldn’t afford much then,” Hadley chuckles. “Not even a hotel room for our wedding night.”

“I thought you liked what we did with your dorm room,” Nicole pouts. “We tried our best to decorate it. It wasn’t easy.”

“I did, and I appreciate it. It looked magical. All those stars and fairy lights,” Hadley says, a dreamy look on her face.

“You got married in college?” I ask Hadley, surprised. I shouldn’t be because I know next to nothing about her. But not once has there been a mention of her being married. An awkward silence descends around the table, and I look around in confusion.

“What? Did I say something weird?” I look at Ryan, but he avoids my eyes, his shoulders tense.

“Used to be,” Hadley says, taking a sip of her drink. Her eyes find Ryan and they linger on him. She doesn’t even try to hide the longing on her face as she stares at him. “To Ryan.”

People talk about their hearts breaking, shattering into a million pieces. I can picture it, like a bomb going off, debris scattering everywhere. My heart breaking is not as spectacular. It’s been more like a gradual, quiet, insidious process. A quiet chipping away, where tiny pieces are being carved off without you realizing, and then, by the time you do realize, it’s too late to do anything about it. The damage has been done, and all that’s left is a decision. Walk away while you still have something left to protect or stay until there’s nothing left to salvage.

“It was a long time ago,” he barks, his face etched in anger as he looks at Hadley. She drops her gaze, and his eyes find mine, his anger draining away as he takes in my expression.

What is it that he sees? Shock? Devastation? Betrayal? Humiliation? I’m sure it’s a mixture of all of it because I’m feeling all of it and I’m not a good enough actress to hide any of it. I feel blindsided. Like a joke. Like a fool.

All his apologies, his promises to do better, feel like ashes in my mouth.

Benjamin shifts in his chair, dragging my attention to him. He’s grimacing down at the table. Nicole’s gaze is darting between Ryan and me, her face clouded with concern. I don’t really know her, but they say the eyes don’t lie, and it’s true. The glee in them tells me that concern is the last thing she’s feeling. I wouldn’t be surprised if she and Hadley planned this ambush.

But it’s Hadley’s expression that tips me over the edge. Patronizing. Superior. And in that moment, everything comes crashing down on me. I realize that I’ve lost the only edge I thought I had over her. They have history. Moments, events that I’ll forever be excluded from. She’s beautiful. Smart. She has her life together and makes a lot of money. And she knows him intimately. She’s seen him naked, felt his body on top of her. Inside her. He loved her enough to marry her.

What am I left with? Lies, evasions, betrayal.

It takes me a split second to realize I don’t have to be here. Not with these people. Never in my life would I have picked them for friends, and I’m done with having to put up with them for Ryan’s benefit. I’m done with doing anything for Ryan’s benefit.

“Excuse me,” I say as calmly as possible, but there’s no hiding the trembling of my hands as I get up.

I hear the scrape of a chair and I feel Ryan hot on my heels as he follows me inside.

“Aspen, please.” His voice is a choked whisper, but all it does is stiffen my shoulders. I grab my bag, ignoring him while I rummage for my keys. “Don’t go. Stay. Talk to me,” he begs, desperation leaking from his eyes, his words. Hell, his whole body.

My heart is a heavy thump against my ribcage, and I take a deep breath to steady myself. It wouldn’t do to give Hadley the pleasure of falling over from a heart attack.

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