Page 62 of Masquerade Mistake

Ethan looks at me over Finn’s head, and I feel my cheeks burning. I’m waiting for the answer too. Ethan’s face softens into a small smile, then gives a slow nod.

“Your mom too.” He sticks his hand in the soap and piles it on Finn’s head, who squeals before grabbing a handful and tossing it at Ethan.

“All right, enough,” I laugh, and Finn groans at me, though he’s smiling.

After Ethan leaves, Finn takes his bath and I keep the bathroom door open, my ears perked while I finish straightening the house. I’m almost done piling the swag packages by the door when Finn calls me to wash his hair. When I enter the bathroom, Finn’s face is serious as he sits in the water. I kneel down, grabbing the pitcher and filling it with water. I study his solemn face, which he tilts up as I pour the water over his hair.

“Everything okay?” I ask. I fill my hand with shampoo and massage it in his hair. He keeps his eyes closed tight as I do.

“I’m okay,” he says. But I can tell his mind is full. I know mine is. When Ethan left, he gave Finn the usual fist bump, but I could tell he was aching for more. Something fatherlier, like a hug. When it came to me though, I got a smile and a wave. I’m not sure what I was expecting. Maybe not a makeout session, but a kiss on the cheek would have been nice. Maybe a hug.

Just a few days ago, we were waking up on the couch together, sipping coffee in the morning light, working together to get Finn ready for school while I entertained fantasies of us being a family. Tonight was no different, at least with visions of how it could be. The only thing missing was that charming smile meant just for me.

“Mom, what does love feel like?”

The question jars me out of my head, and I look at my young son. His eyes are still closed, even though I’m done rinsing. I brush the water from his face, and he finally opens his eyes and looks at me.

“I guess it feels like falling, but in a good way,” I say.

“A good way?” he asks, wrinkling his nose.

I think about it for a moment, and I realize what a terrible analogy that is. Falling in love doesn’t feel like falling at all. Not completely, anyway.

“Okay, how about this. You know how it feels when you’re spinning in circles? You spin and spin and spin, and it feels so free and wild, and all you’re aware of is your body because the whole world feels like a blur. You know how that feels?”

“Yeah, like when you spin so fast you want to hurl?”

I laugh. “More or less, but not always. It’s more like, when you love someone, you’re spinning with them and the whole world feels blurry because you’re so caught up with them. It feels wild and free, and sometimes you want to hurl. But also, sometimes you want to sit in the dizziness with that person and just laugh because everything feels so silly and wonderful. That’s love.”

Finn smiles, ducking his head as he looks at the water. I smile, smoothing the back of his head the way I used to do when he was younger. He usually stops me, now that he’s older. But this time, he lets me.

“I think I’m in love,” he says. He looks at me, his face scrunched up in an embarrassed smile.

“Try not to hurl,” I say, and he splashes me with water.

Once he’s dried off and in bed, I read another chapter from Mrs. Piggle Wiggle. This one is about a boy who gets super-sonic hearing when Mrs. Piggle Wiggle sprinkles magic powder in his ear. This reminds Finn of his super-sonic eyesight, and he makes me turn off the lights.

“I can’t read the book then,” I say, but do it anyway when he insists. Then he says he can read the story instead. I hand the book over, and even though I know he can’t see the words, he pretends he can, making up the rest of the story so that the little boy ends up with laser vision that slices through walls and kills bad guys. It’s definitely not the story I remember, but hey, it’s been a while since I’ve read it.

Finn hands me the book, and I kiss him on his forehead.

“I like Ethan,” he says. I raise my eyebrows, then take a moment to sit back on his bed.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. He’s nice. I like that he lets me help with stuff and doesn’t treat me like I’m a baby.”

I frown in the dark. “Do I treat you like you’re a baby?”

“No. Kind of. I guess you’re my mom, so you have to. But he doesn’t.”

I nod, even though he can’t see me. “Ethan is a good guy,” I say.

“Can he come over tomorrow?” he asks.

“Maybe. I’ll ask him.” I get up, brushing my hand over his hair before heading to the door.

“Mom?”

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