Page 81 of Risking Immortality

“No, I’ve said what I needed to say. No one can give you the answers you’re searching for, love, no one but you.”

Erin leaves me to my own thoughts, and I immediately miss her presence. Closing my eyes, I home in on her. It’s wonderful knowing no matter where in the world I am, I will always feel her with me. Is that how Erin feels about me?

Thirty

There is no choice to make. My rational brain knows that. I cannot live without Erin. And yet this panic attack I seem to be suffering from would indicate my rational brain isn’t in charge of me right now.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I count my breaths, hoping they will slow enough for me to take a proper lungful of air. Why am I spiraling? A large hand on my back brings me back from the brink of unconsciousness. “Breathe, Amelia,” my father’s voice instructs delicately.

My eyes snap open, seeking his, and the safety they offer. I can hear my raspy breathing. My chest is tight. “I… I…”

“It’s okay, honey. In and out, nice and slow. Listen to me breathing and try to follow along.” He places my hand on his chest, and I can feel it rise and fall. It’s working. My body is mimicking his and my breathing is becoming steady and calm.

“Th-thank you,” I stutter. I grip his shirt, anchoring myself. This is not me. I don’t have panic attacks. I’m the calm child, the laid-back one, not this!

“Are you feeling up for telling me what brought this on?” he asks quietly.

“I… I don’t know. Everything just feels out of control.”

“Understandably,” he placates. “I don’t think I have ever seen you have a panic attack, though, Amelia. You’re usually quite steadfast and confident in your emotions.” That’s right, I am. I think logically and realistically. Well, I used to do that. “Is this something to do with Dr. Mendhi’s news?”

“Yes and no,” I answer honestly. “He told you?” My father nods. “And it’s good, right? It’s a positive step.”

“It is. Do you think differently?”

“No, I know it’s what we’ve been waiting for.”

“But?”

“No but. I’ve just been feeling overwhelmed lately.”

My father settles on the bed next to me, his arm tugging me to his body. “You’ve always been the stoic one, you know. As a child, you would endure everything on your own, no matter how much your mother and I wanted to help. You had to do it alone.”

I wipe my face free of tears and look at his face again. I’m so similar to him in every way. “I enjoy working things out on my own,” I reply. I’ve never meant to cut my parents out, or my other siblings. It’s just how I operate.

“I know, honey. It’s not a bad thing.”

“But?” I smile, which he returns.

“But I think it means you’ve never fully allowed yourself to let someone else in. I don’t know why you guarded your little heart so fiercely back then and now, but I think that’s what drives you to keep to yourself.”

Looking back, I remember feeling uncomfortable anytime I was vulnerable. There is no specific memory I have of the reason I felt the need to shy away from others. All I know is that it felt safer that way.

“Having the ability to shield yourself like that is probably why you handled not finding a mate better than all of us combined,” he smiles. “But you are still a person with emotions. Recent events have been hard on all of us, but especially you, sweetie.”

“Why, though, why can’t I deal with it like I normally do?”

“Because you’ve never let anyone close enough until Erin. Now you have a whole other person to worry about and I think that terrifies you.”

It does. Before Erin, I never felt the urge to protect someone with my life. Of course, I love my family, but it’s not the same. Maybe that’s why I didn’t do much to find a mate? My mind knew I wouldn’t be able to cope with all the uncertainty having a mate entails. I can’t control the world; therefore I can’t keep Erin safe. And that’s all I want to do. The thought of anything happening to that perfect specimen of a human being claws at my heart. I feel the vice grip of worry clamp down on me again at the mere thought of Erin not being okay. I can handle something happening to me, but not her.

“Your worry and your need for answers are just a reaction to feeling something foreign. It will pass, Amelia, if you let Erin help you. It’s not on you to be the strong one all of the time.”

“But I need to be strong. I need to do what’s best for Erin.”

“And what is it you think is best?”

“I… I told her it might have been better if she’d never met me. If she’d stayed with Mack.” I sob at the thought of Erin with someone other than me.

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