Page 17 of Confessions of an Apache Pilot

One missile landed as the shooter fired. His body was launched into oblivion, which must be why he missed when he shot at us. His wingman’s video had my aircraft in sight. The RPG missed by a few feet. It passed right by my door. One RPG would have killed everyone. That was bad enough. But the fact that it was aimed for me...made it a little personal. Dammit. Now I saw why Mark was so pissed. If he hadn’t responded so quickly, or his shots hadn’t knocked the shooter off his feet, that RPG would have slammed into the side of my helicopter. It would have been game over for all of us.

“Daaammn, I bet that rocket left some singe marks on your door ma’am,” the specialist commented. He might be right.

I swallowed hard and placed my hands over my face before moving them back and smoothing them over my hair. I had come within a few feet from killing my entire crew and hadn’t even realized it. I didn’t necessarily regret my decision, since it saved our patient, but it hadn’t been my intention to put my crew in that much danger either. I was annoyed that my hand was shaking slightly, not because I cared that I had come close to being blown up, but because I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something happened to the others.

Walking away, I continued over to the other desks where the flight plans were. When I got there, I overheard a conversation in the office behind me. It was Sheppard and the Colonel. It sounded as though Sheppard was in trouble. I moved a little closer so I could hear.

“Shep, what the hell happened out there tonight?” It was Colonel Ortiz. “One wounded Green Beret. The MEDEVAC was nearly shot down. You lost the insurgent team in the hills. The whole damn thing was a shit show.”

Shit show? I thought, despite our close call, that the mission had gone well. We’d met our objective and saved the injured soldier and no one else was hurt. Heat spread up the back of my neck to hear that the commanding officer didn’t agree. How could I have been so wrong about everything that’d happened tonight? True, I hadn’t had the vantage point that allowed me to see everything as it unfolded… but Sheppard had.

That little wiggling feeling of guilt returned to my chest. If I’d listened to Sheppard to begin with, this might have all been avoided. Then again, Dozer wouldn’t have made it back alive if not for the decisions I made tonight. I could Monday Night Quarterback it until the end of time. The reality was, I made the decision I had and there was no changing it.

The Colonel continued, “You briefed a security plan to the Green Berets. You went over how you would scan and clear the area. You briefed the MED on the route, the landing zone, and how to contact you. The insurgents got the jump on the Green Berets, and you were behind the curve. The MED flew right through your engagement. They didn’t land at the designated landing zone, and they nearly got shot down. Everything went sideways.”

Sheppard was so calm and collected when he answered. He wasn’t rattled or excited, just matter of fact, “Sir, everything always goes sideways. That’s why I picked the crew I did. You know as well as I, that in those mountain villages you can’t predict anything. The terrain is so jagged that, until they make their move, we can’t find shit out there. We are always one step behind. That’s why I had Artie with me and Brady and Laura as my wingmen. As for the MED, sir…”

I held my breath. So much of tonight was because of me, I was finally able to admit to myself. Sheppard was going to tell the Colonel how I fucked up and that everything was on my ass. I wasn’t looking forward to defending my decisions to the Colonel but how could I blame him when I’d seen the footage myself? I had nearly gotten us all killed.

“Sir, Doyle is alive because of them. Period. There was no time to route them to the south, or have them hold.”

The Colonel interrupted him. “They nearly got shot down. If you had been a second late, they would have been killed.” Sheppard didn’t respond. “You owe them an explanation. You cannot risk them in order to save your friend. I don’t care how long you’ve known Doyle.”

What the hell was happening right now? Was he covering for me? And was the Colonel blaming him? He left out the part where he tried to get me to hold to the south. I’d never had anyone stand up for the decisions I’d made. I'd taken plenty of risky shots, they’d always panned out and had built me a good reputation so far. But this was one of my riskiest moves. I wasn’t about to admit that to anyone else, of course. I couldn’t have my team knowing I regretted my decision, or they’d lose confidence in me. It could cause them to not trust me and that would get us killed.

The Colonel continued “How did the MED do tonight? They’re new. Not just to this rotation, but I understand that other than Nick, their crew are all junior, never deployed.”

“Colonel, if it had been Ross with us, Doyle would be dead. Hell, the MED would probably be dead, too. When Walker skipped over the landing zone, it threw everyone for a loop. The insurgents had to reposition and expose themselves in order to get a line on them. It gave us the time to acquire and engage them.” Sheppard’s voice was still cool and calm. “Her ability to assess the situation and deviate from the plan was what kept her team and Dozer alive.”

I wondered if anything ever shook this man. To hear him speaking now, he admired what I’d done, but when he’d gotten back from the mission he’d been pissed. I preferred this Sheppard to the angry one.

Something warm started a slow burn inside me. It meant more than I was willing to admit that he was defending me. That note of admiration in his tone eased the sting of everything that’d happened tonight. At the same time, I was annoyed. I was a Captain for God’s sake, I could defend myself. He shouldn’t be covering for me; I should be the one explaining my actions to the Colonel.

The Colonel didn’t respond right away. I couldn’t see his face, but I could feel him staring Sheppard down. I could feel in the silence that he knew that I wasn’t cleared in. He knew that I landed in an unapproved area. He was waiting to see if Sheppard was going to add anything else. When Sheppard didn’t say anything, the Colonel continued, “You were lucky this time. Tomorrow you need to sit down with the Green Beret commander and Captain Walker and sort through what happened. I expect the full after-action report.”

“Yes, sir.” Sheppard said. I heard him start to walk out.

Before he could leave, the Colonel let out a comment, almost to himself. “Got one pilot that won’t go into a hot landing zone, and one that won’t stay out. You’ve got your work cut out for you.”

What the hell does that mean?

Before I could leave, Sheppard stepped out of the office and saw me at the desk just outside. His smug smile told me he had expected to see me here, and that he knew I was listening

“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said, and started to walk out. I got up and followed him, far enough so that the Colonel wouldn’t overhear us.

I grabbed his arm, but dropped it as he stopped and turned slowly. Even through his uniform top the heat from his body scorched me. His bicep was huge and had flexed beneath my hand, sending that slow burn in my belly into full inferno.

He didn’t seem shocked that I’d chased after him. The look on his face wasn’t annoyance so much as just disinterest. I’m not sure why that stung so much, but I shook the feeling away.

“Look, I saw the video. I saw how close it was, and I owe you for saving my ass. But I don’t need you to cover for me. I can handle my own decisions and the consequences. I don’t need you taking the blame for me,” I told him.

Sheppard narrowed his eyes and turned all the way around, to square off with me. I had to tilt my chin up a bit to keep my eyes locked on his. I could see he was considering the words I’d said carefully, before he made his rebuttal. I wasn’t sure I'd ever met a man so attentive to what I’d said, and so deliberate in his response. It was a little unnerving, and frustratingly hot.

When he did respond his words were slow and calculated. “I don’t cover for anyone. Your safety, like the Green Berets, is my responsibility. Mine. Captain, you need to drop this chip on your shoulder.”

Once again, this wasn’t where I expected this conversation to go when I had gone after him. What I thought was going to come out of my mouth was something along the lines of, ‘Thank you’, or ‘I appreciate the back up.’ Now I was angry and irritated at his reaction to me. That seemed to be my default emotion whenever he was nearby. He was starting to sound like my ex. This was the shit that he would say right before he got really condescending.

“Chip on my shoulder?” I gritted my teeth to suppress it from coming out as a shout as I hammered out the question. More like accusation, really. “I’ve been putting up with this shit from…”

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