Page 11 of Out of Focus

“Last year, you said he looked like a Ken doll. Today, you said Thor. I insisted he was more of a walking mannequin.” Her lips quirk up ever so slightly, and it might be the closest Charlie has ever come to smiling directly at me.

“I think all of those work, to be honest.” She looks down at her feet and licks her lips. I’m immediately aware that Charlie licking her lips gets my dick’s attention, very much unlike the blonde from earlier. “Sorry about grabbing you like that. I didn’t want to talk to him.” She looks back up at me, and her eyes are so bright, reflecting every light out here. “Thanks. Again.” She holds eye contact for a few seconds, then looks away. It’s the longest we’ve ever looked at one another, and my brain starts to turn to mush at the realization. Good thing I recover quickly.

“Two thank yous in one night, and you drag me back to the scene of the crime.” She looks around, taking in the garden and the bushes next to us. I click my tongue before I continue. “Careful, Chuck. I might start to think you don’t actually hate me as much as you let on.”

Her eyes shoot back up to mine but quickly veer elsewhere on my face. In a whisper, she says, “I don’t… I’ve never… Rafael, I don’t actually hate you.” She shakes her head lightly, and the air between us suddenly feels thick. Something tugs inside my chest, and between that and the half boner her mouth just gave me, I know I can’t stay around her much longer. Not when I’m hyper-aware of every move she makes, every fleck of light reflecting in her eyes and the way her hands felt on me just minutes ago. I rub my forearm, urging my skin forget the way her slender fingers gripped me so tightly.

It’s my turn to look down at my feet now, and when I look back up at her, those blue eyes are dark and cloudy. I swallow down the lump in my throat, my mouth suddenly dry. I’m not sure what to say, and my mouth decides for me before my brain gets any say in the matter. “I didn’t know you liked Friends too.”

The fuck? That’s the best you can do? Really?

Her lips turn up in what I can safely say is definitely a small smile. “I love it. The girls and I watched it all the time at NYU. I wouldn’t have pegged you for a fan, though.”

“Are you kidding me? Joey’s my man.” I smile at the memories of Adam and me watching the show with my aunt. “Adam and I used to watch it whenever he came to my house. My aunt got us into it when she taught us the alternate hand gesture for flipping someone off. We were just kids, but we thought it was hilarious, and now it’s sort of a…” I realize too late that I’m talking too much, but I don’t know how to undo the damage.

“A comfort show. It’s safe.” She finishes the sentence for me, and without knowing, I hold my breath from the sheer shock that Charlie and I have something in common.

“Yeah,” I let out, along with the breath I was holding.

Charlie nods, that hint of a smile still playing on her lips. “I guess I don’t know you very well at all.”

And dammit, at this moment, I want to be the bigger person. I want to agree or say something witty and let it go, but I can’t. Her words from this very spot last year flash in front of me like a goddamn neon sign, and I feel my smile falter, the blood in my veins run a little colder, and the compulsive need to keep my distance from her is back. “That’s not what you said last year, Ginger Spice.” I swallow down hard again, watching her tiny smile fully slip away. Something like confusion forms on her face, so I look down at my feet. “Anyway, I’ll let you get back to the party. Enjoy the rest of your night.” I nod and turn on my heels, feeling too many things to be standing still. Too many things to look at her face for a second longer. Too many things that put me right back in a place I don’t want to go to.

7/

a kiss that’s all lust and tongues.

charlie

one year ago - the second nye

I never would have pegged Rafael Machado for a Friends fan. When I made that Ross Geller reference, I thought for sure it had gone over his head, but he laughed, that beautiful sound hitting me smack in the ribcage. He lit up when he told me about how he and Adam used to watch it. The same way he does when he’s talking to Adam or Lainey or Maeve. He shared something about his life with me. We’ve never done that before. We’ve never just talked. And it was nice, but something shifted when I told him I didn’t know him very well. And now, I’m sitting here wondering what exactly happened.

I close my eyes and lean my head back on the tree. I hear his words again. That’s not what you said last year, Ginger Spice. In a flash, it all comes back to me. What I said about him being a dumb jock, not having anything to be proud of. Oh no. I really said those horrible things, didn’t I?

You probably peaked in high school. Your little girlfriends probably did your homework for you because you were too dense to figure it out yourself. You wear your conquests like a badge of honor because you have nothing else to be proud of.

I feel like I’m going to be sick all over again. My breathing speeds up, and I open my eyes to see Maeve walking toward me with her brows furrowed.

“Char. You all right?” She places a firm hand on my arm, and my mouth feels dry. I’m still breathing fast, thinking about how mean I was to someone who obviously didn’t deserve it. I’m not that girl. Why did I say those things? I had thought them in a moment of fury, had said them out loud to myself, but I never intended to say any of it to him. “Charlie Mae. Look at me. Did you have too much to drink again? Please don’t throw up in my bushes two years in a row.”

That brings me back to the moment. “No. No, I’m not drunk.” I blink my eyes a few times to get her face to come into focus. “Just how drunk was I last year, exactly?”

Maeve giggles a little, eyebrows shooting up to her hairline. “I’ve never seen you that drunk before or since. Raffy nearly had to carry you to your bed.”

She keeps talking, but I can’t hear the words. She just said Rafael nearly carried me to my bed? My head is spinning, and for a moment, it does feel like I might be drunk, except I have had no alcohol tonight.

“Charlie, are you listening to me?” Her look of concern does nothing to ease the tightness in my chest.

“No. Sorry.” I shake my head and wave my hand in front of me. “Go back for a second. You said Rafael took me to my room. I thought you had done that. You even left me a Gatorade and painkillers.”

“No, that was all Raffy. He took your shoes off, got you into bed, and left everything on the nightstand for you. When I walked in, he was sitting on the floor, watching you. He was worried you might throw up again, and he didn’t want you to be alone.” Her eyes soften as she retells the memory, and my chest pangs again. “It was quite sweet, actually, the way he took care of you. But that’s Raf.”

“Oh, no.” I shut my eyes tightly in complete disbelief at what I’m hearing. He helped me when I threw up in the bushes, then stayed with me to make sure I was okay? Ugh. Why did he have to be so nice to me that night? Especially after I was so awful to him?

“Char, are you sure you haven’t had too much to drink?” I feel the soothing presence of her hand still on my arm and place my other hand on top of hers, giving it a light squeeze.

“I’m sure. I feel awful that he was so nice to me that night when I wasn’t very nice to him.” My throat tightens again, thinking about him sitting on my bedroom floor.

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