Page 51 of Sparks Still Fly

love you most.

maeve

I fucked it up. I’m sure of it. The nice social worker asked about adoption and my work schedule, and I froze. She was asking about me being a mum, and my brain completely shut down. I wouldn’t be surprised if Owen was rethinking staying married, having me here, and just generally being near me.

After nearly running out of his house, I slammed the guesthouse door shut, and I’ve been standing with my forehead pressed against it for so long that I know I must have a mark on my face. I’m spiraling. This doesn’t happen often, but with everything happening lately, this was only a matter of time. I came here for a break from my hectic schedule, and I got that. It’s been amazing to be with the horses, breathe fresh air, and look at mountains without smog covering them up. But the constant calls from my mum, followed by texts asking why I’m ignoring her, have my heart racing every time. Add in Owen and this whole situation, and I’m feeling unsteady, which isn’t something I like to feel. Ever.

I’ve always been the kind of person who performs best under pressure, but lately I feel like I’m crumbling beneath it. I can’t keep my cool. The mask of confidence I normally have on is slipping off, and I’m not sure how to fix it back in place.

I push myself off the door and turn around, sitting on the floor and dialing the person who understands this better than anyone. After two rings, the most familiar voice in the world comes through the speaker.

“Tell me everything, sissy. I’m right here.” Charlie’s voice is softer than her usual formal one, and I’m immediately thankful for her twintuition.

Blowing out a deep breath, I begin. “I think I messed up Owen’s meeting with the social worker. I’m not sure, though. I was feeling so sure about it, and all of a sudden it was like the confidence just washed away, and I was this fumbling, mumbling twat. And of course, Owen was perfect. He talked to her so confidently and kept a reassuring hand on me the entire time, as if I’m the one who needs the support.” Charlie listens quietly while I gather my words. “And Mum’s been calling. More than usual. She couldn’t have worse timing, you know? I mean, I’m trying to get away from the things that bring me stress, and yet she waltzes into my life via text messages and phone calls that I ignore, but they still bother me. She asks about Owen, makes comments about how I’ve made a huge mistake and how I’m just like her. She told me I’m an idiot for getting married and for pretending that being a wife to someone will make me happy.”

Tears sting my eyes, but I don’t want to cry over my mother. I refuse to. She doesn’t deserve the tears.

Charlie hums. “She’s wrong. You’re not like her, Mae.”

Before she can go on, I’m already arguing with her. “Aren’t I? I’m a total phony. I got married to someone and it’s not even real. And there’s an innocent child in the middle of it all. Isn’t that exactly what she did?”

“No!” Charlie’s voice is forceful, and I don’t dare interrupt her this time. “You’re not Mum, Maeve. She married Dad knowing we weren’t his. She tried to trap him, and she lied. For years. That’s not you.” I don’t miss the way she says Dad in reference to the man who married our mum thinking we were his. Poor fellow stuck around for years, treated us like we were his little princesses, and then he found out my mum didn’t even remember who our biological father was. The only dad we ever knew left us when we were three years old. Sure, he also left us a trust that more than paid for our university education, but still, he left. I don’t even blame him. I wouldn’t want to spend a lifetime with my lying, cheating mother either. “You and Owen know what this is. You’re not going to walk away from his life or his baby’s. You two are tied together forever because you and Elaina are tied together forever. So sure, this marriage may be temporary, and it may not be real, but you both know the terms. You both came to the decision to stay in it for the sake of this innocent child. It’s not the same, Maeve. Don’t catastrophize this. Take it from someone who constantly sees the worst-case scenario.”

She goes quiet, breathing a little harder than before because, clearly, my sister has thought about this before and had her mind made up about my situation with Owen. Of course she did. Charlie is always observing, always taking in people’s body language, studying those around her.

“Did you hear me, Mae? This is not the same situation. She doesn’t get to make you feel like this. This isn’t the same situation. And it’s not permanent.”

“What if I want it to be, Char?” My voice is wobbly, and the words come out in a whisper, but based on Charlie’s sharp intake of breath, I know she heard me.

“You…you want to stay with Owen? Do you still love him?” Her voice is softer again. She knows better than anyone how hard this topic is for me.

“I—I don’t know. I don’t know. I mean, I definitely feel something. And?—”

“But he hurt you, Maeve. He left after you slept together and didn’t say a word about it.” Charlie may be younger by twenty-nine minutes, but she is my protector. She’s always struggled with the way Owen left things all those years ago.

“Yes, he hurt me. And I can’t tell you more because it’s not my story to tell, but Char…he didn’t have a choice. He was thrown into an impossible, horrendous situation, and he’s had a lot of healing to do over the years.” I wait for her to stop me, to tell me that I can’t forgive him, but she doesn’t. “He’s done the work, Char, and now he’s here. And he’s sweet, kind, attentive, and still so fucking hot. It’s impossible not to want to be near him. It’s like all those old feelings have resurfaced. I thought they were gone, but I think I just tucked them away, and one by one, they keep popping back up.”

“Oh, Mae…”

“What do I do, Char? Tell me what to do.” I feel the familiar sting of tears yet again. “Please.”

“Sissy…I can’t. You know that.” Charlie sighs into the phone and continues, “I’m sorry. I wish I could, but you and Owen are the only ones that can sort this out.”

I know she’s right. I know she can’t actually fix this for me, but right now it’s all I want. For all of these complications to just go away.

“How much longer are you staying with him?” I can hear the wheels turning in Charlie’s head. She’s thinking this through already.

“The lawyer recommended giving the whole being married thing a couple of months, but I start shooting on location in Colorado in six weeks. I don’t know if Owen wants me here for that long, but I also can’t see him kicking me out, so… I guess I have six weeks with him. I suppose we could divorce after that. No one would question that; my schedule is a good enough reason to not want to be with me.” My heart constricts just from thinking about leaving Ojai. It’s been days, and I’ve already grown attached to this peace, the horses, Owen’s closeness.

“Don’t do that. You’re allowed to have your career, a relationship, and a family, if it’s what you want. You don’t have to choose between them. Understand?” I can’t help the small smile spreading on my face as my sister puts me in my place, reciting words I’ve heard for years, whether from her or because I was saying them to myself. Since the beginning, I’ve set goals and made them happen. A permanent relationship and children were just never a part of the plan because…well, because if it wasn’t Owen, it was no one. That, and the thought of quite literally becoming my mother, has kept me from allowing myself to picture a life with a husband and kids. Even if it’s what I dreamed of as a little girl. A family. A house full of love. Kids making a mess, and a partner who adores me. I wanted everything I didn’t see as a kid, but then I grew up, and I learned that it’s not that simple.

“This wasn’t part of the plan, but Mae, if it’s what makes you happy, you owe it to yourself to go after it. Don’t stay stuck and unhappy just because it’s a part of the path you once laid out for yourself. You can still change your mind. You can still do and be anything you want.” Her voice breaks, which is not typical for Charlie, and I feel the hairs raise on the back of my neck. My twin is going through something, and I’ve been so caught up in my own world that I haven’t seen it, haven’t sensed it, until now.

“Charlie. What’s going on?” She goes quiet, and I allow her a moment to gather her thoughts. “What do you need?”

“I…I want to get out of London for a while.” She normally stays at my house in LA when she visits a few times a year. “I’ve been looking for a place in LA. Your house is way too big, especially when you’re not there, and I want something that’s mine, you know?” Her voice doesn’t waver, so I know she’s made her mind up. She’s thought about this because Charlie doesn’t do anything without thoroughly thinking about it and considering all the possibilities.

“What about Robert?” I try to not roll my eyes when I ask my sister about the man-child she’s gone out with off and on for years, but who refuses to commit to my sister because he’s a complete wanker.

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