Page 29 of A Very Fumbling Merry Christmas

“I’m living a Fifty Shades of Grey nightmare, and I don’t even get to be the dude. I’m the sappy girl who had no idea what the fuck she was getting herself into. We’re supposed to be celebrating the birth of our Lord, and I’m over here with a metal thumb up my ass. The fact that it has a pink jewel on the end of it just adds insult to injury. Literal injury!”

I feel bad for him. He’ll see the funny side of it in a week or two, but right now, he’s miserable.

“Why don’t you just go take it off? Take it out? I’m not sure what the right lingo is in this instance.”

“Both. Clamps off, plug out.” The fact that he’s correcting me makes it even funnier.

“Seriously, which one of you sent them?” He stares each one of us down, looking for the slightest hint of an answer.

“We’re not going to crack, so stop eyeballing us.” Zee wraps her arms around his waist, but the brush of her body against his must have nudged the clamps.

“Ouch! Nobody touch me. I’m going to be in agony tomorrow, thanks to you chumps.”

“Stop being such a baby about it. I showed my tits to half of Nashville, Hunter became a walking advertisement for dudes with tiny dicks, and Faith had a room full of people, including her monster-in-law, witness her joygasm.”

“I’d take any one of those ‘gifts’ over having metal rammed up my ass!” Even he starts to laugh hearing himself bitch about it. The more he laughs, the more he flinches. “Don’t make me laugh, it’s chaffing my nips. Why the fuck does anyone want to use this crap?”

“You wouldn’t think twice about suggesting this stuff to me. I bet you’d love tightening some titty clamps on my breasts, reveling in how I’d writhe beneath you as you tugged on the chain.” Zee has a point. Just hearing her describe it makes me want to buy some for Faith.

“That’s different,” Coop protests.

“Why? Because I’m a woman?” I’m standing here willing my best friend to keep his mouth shut. There’s no good answer to her question. We live in a world full of double standards.

“Fine. I’m a huge hypocrite. Yes, I’d get off seeing your blush pink nipples clamped. I would worship your tight little ass if I saw you sporting a plug. Sue me. I’m a red-blooded male, but at least I admit my double standards.”

Faith is uneasy with where this conversation is going. Coop and Zee seem like they are on the verge of an argument, and none of us want that. Not tonight—not at all.

“It was me. I’m the Secret Santa offender. I call timeout. Go to the bathroom and de-plug yourself, and for God’s sake, take the clamps off. I can’t watch you twitching all night long.” Coop is dumbfounded, his expression mirroring his girlfriend’s in this moment.

“Faith? You’re supposed to be the sweet, slightly more innocent one of us. You’re a dirty little minx.” Coop’s demeanor instantly lightens. “Not going to lie, feeling a little better about it now.”

“Leave it, bro. You don’t want to finish that thought.” I know where he’s about to go, and it grinds my gears before the words leave his lips.

“What? Knowing it wasn’t you makes me feel exponentially better. It’s kind of hot that your kinky wife is the reason I’ve dipped my toe in the shallow end of the BDSM pool.”

“A plug won’t be the only thing rammed up your ass if you don’t shut up.” I know I shouldn’t let him wind me up, but he’s really pushing my buttons right now.

“Is this what y’all are into?” He turns his attention to Faith. “Did you buy him a matching set?”

“Don’t ruin the surprise, Coop. His set is wrapped and under the tree. No pink for him, though. I got him a black one. And Zee? She’s getting the size up from yours, but I added the vibrating option on hers. I went all-in for me. I’ll be serving dinner tomorrow in my own sexy elf outfit, with the clamps and my Christmas-themed, red-jeweled super-sized butt plug. I thought we all needed a new tradition for the holidays.” Zee is laughing her ass off, but it’s short-lived.

“Really, Faith? I don’t think your proclivities are appropriate party conversation.” Shit! There should be some sort of world record for consistently putting your foot in it. Coach is standing right behind his daughter with a disapproving furrow to his brow.

“Dad. I didn’t see you.”

“Clearly.” There’s nothing I can say right now that makes this any better. Coop steps in and takes the hit.

“Coach. Great to see you. Sorry about that. Your daughter’s proclivities are just fine. She was just pointing out that my actions tonight are wildly inappropriate. We all know I’m a horndog. It’s a problem. I thought it was acceptable to come to the party sporting some of my… accessories. Faith was just calling me out on it. Looking out for her friend.” Coach isn’t buying it.

“You don’t have to defend her, Cooper. I’m aware that my daughter doesn’t seem to care if the world knows what goes on in her bedroom.” I can ignore a lot of things, but the way he talks about my wife isn’t one of them.

“Hold up. That’s completely unfair. You walk in on a private joke and make all kinds of assumptions. I thought we were past this, but I guess not.” Faith interlaces her fingers with mine, standing firm at my side even though I can see that she’s fighting back tears.

“I’m not lying, Coach. Look.” Coop throws himself on the grenade, lifting his shirt to reveal a rather painful-looking set of nipple clamps.

Faith and Zee start laughing, much to her dad’s dismay. In their defense, it’s pretty hilarious to see the shock and horror on Coach’s face right now. Coop is a fucking legend.

As we draw attention, I’m anticipating my best friend realizing that he’s giving the entire team a show right now. In true Coop style, he turns the tables and makes himself larger than life.

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