Page 13 of A Very Fumbling Merry Christmas

“I assume it’s my brand-new penis pump to go with my personalized penis pump advertisement suitcase. How the fuck did he do this?” Somehow my asshat of a best friend has managed to get a picture of me that I recognize from a Gatorade ad a few years back. He’s had it photoshopped. Where there was once a Gatorade tumbler, there’s now a penis pump. If that wasn’t bad enough, there is a banner across the top that says, ‘I’m not ashamed to admit I need the Penis Pump 2000 to turn my wiener into a winner!’

There’s a website address along the bottom, which I’m praying to God isn’t real.

“Here it is.” Faith takes great pleasure in handing me my ridiculous looking penis-torture device. Fucking hell. It makes my cock hurt just looking at it.

“Grab your phone and look up this website, www.huntervaughnhasatinydick.com. I swear to God if he’s put dick pics on the internet, I’m going to shove him off a cliff in Aspen.”

“There wouldn’t be pictures of your manhood. It’s massive. I can attest to that. He’d have to find teeny-weeny pics to put up there.”

“Missing the point, Faith. It doesn’t matter if it’s my cock or not. People will assume it’s mine.”

“I doubt it. You get caught with a semi all the time when we’re out in public getting a little too frisky.”

“Will you just check the damn URL?”

“Don’t get testy. Get it? Testy!” When she sees the absolute lack of amusement on my face, she quickly searches on her phone. The way she throws her hand up over her mouth to hold in a guffaw, I have my answer.

“I’m going to kill him!”

“It’s not a big deal. It’s kind of funny. Admit it. If you had thought of this, you would have one hundred percent done it to Coop.” I pace the floor, running my hands through my still-damp hair.

“Of course, I would, but that’s not the point. You know this is going to be all over social media the second we set foot in the airport.”

“A wager is a wager. You can’t break the rules.”

“We broke the rules of our little wager multiple times. Why do we have to be sticklers for them now?”

“Because… just because. It’s funny. We can brainstorm something really good to get him back.”

“Isn’t that a violation of the rules? We’re not supposed to team up. Every man for himself and all that.”

“We’re married. I declare we have been joined as one in the eyes of God, and this wager is linked to the celebration of his birth, so we can totally team up without telling Coop and Zee.”

“You’re a devious little minx.”

“And you love me for it.”

“Fuck, yeah, I do.”

“We still have time before we have to go to the airport. Care to show me that massive trouser snake of yours before we leave?” She doesn’t have to ask me twice. I drop my towel, relishing the way her breath catches when her eyes fall to my rock-hard erection.

“Open your legs, Faith.”

* * *

I can’t believe I have to walk through the airport with this ludicrous bag and a fucking pump in my hand. How am I going to explain this at check-in? The second the driver pulls my bag from the trunk, I can hear the people around us begin to whisper and snigger as my awesome new suitcase comes into view. The driver manages to keep a straight face, so I reward him with a huge tip.

People are fumbling for their phones, desperate to snap a picture of my current humiliation. Faith attempts to mitigate the situation, but her uncanny ability to put her foot in it shines through.

“What a funny gift,” she says in an exaggerated tone, her voice loud enough to draw attention. She sounds like a bad infomercial. “If there’s anyone who does not need a penis pump, it’s you. Your cock is huge even when it’s flaccid.”

Holy Fuck!Did she just use the word flaccid in the same sentence as my cock? If I thought the pump in my hand was bad, this is exponentially worse.

“Please stop talking.”

“What? I’m helping. Here, I’ll swap you my suitcase for the pump.” She moves to grab it, but I guess she’s expecting more resistance. She yanks it out of my hand, smacking herself in the face with it.

Onlookers are doubling over, laughing at the slapstick routine playing out in front of their eyes. Great. Faith is going to have a black eye from a fucking cock pump. Can this day get any better?

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