Page 14 of A Very Fumbling Merry Christmas

Why do I even think these things?It’s like I’m goading the fates. Faith stumbles back, her eyes closed after taking that hit. I let go of my suitcase and reach out to grab her before she trips head over heels on the corner of her case. I manage to catch her just in time, but her flailing arms and subsequent swing of the pump jabs right into my Adam’s apple.

I find myself gasping for breath, having had the wind knocked right out of me.

“Oh God, Hunter, are you okay?” I can’t answer her when it feels like I’ve had my windpipe crushed by a Louisville Slugger. Someone eventually comes to our aid, but the second I set eyes on him, I want to kick him in the nuts—Coop.

“Well, fuck me. We’re not even there yet, and y’all are getting into mischief.” Coop helps Faith steady herself, leaving me to piss in the wind. I’m going to ram that pump up his ass for this.

Zee starts shooing the crowd that has gathered around us.

“Get out of here. Haven’t you ever seen a penis pump and a grade-A klutz before? Go about your business, people.” As they begin to disperse, I catch a glimpse of Faith’s eye—it’s swollen and already starting to bruise. I cough a few times, finally finding a sharp intake of breath.

“Love, are you okay? Jesus, your eye.”

“I’m okay. I didn’t mean to throat punch you with that thing. I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t care about me, I’m worried about you.” She wraps her arm around my waist, staring up at me with one eye shut.

“Argh, maties! I can be a Christmas pirate.” Zee chuckles at her best friend’s odd sense of humor.

“You can sail the seven seas. The great Captain Candy Cane on the good ship Wankster.”

Coop looks just as bewildered as me watching the girls descend into a fit of giggles.

“Chicks are weird.” His brow furrows as he stares at Zee.

“Ours are weird. I’m not sure the rest of womankind can be held accountable for their particular brand of crazy.”

“True.”

Then he sees my suitcase, and his laughter echoes through the airport foyer.

“I’m about to sucker-punch you, Coop.”

“Totally worth it, bro. That thing is priceless! Seriously genius.”

“Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up.”

“I can’t believe you’re actually using that suitcase. There’s no way in hell I would. Some things are more sacred than a wager, a handshake, and a man’s word. Defending my manhood trumps everything else.”

“Maybe I’m just more secure about my cock measurements than you.” I pick the pump up off the ground and hand it to him. “You can have this if you want. I’ve seen you in the showers after practice, and you could use the help.” He lobs it at the nearest trashcan.

“Why were you staring at my junk in the showers? I never realized you felt that way about me, bro. Sorry, I just don’t find you physically attractive.”

“I seriously need you to stop right now. I just got slugged by a fucking penis pump, and my wife will have a shiner in the morning.”

“Boo-freaking-hoo. You didn’t have to watch every guy in Nashville ogling your girlfriend in an outfit that was strictly for the bedroom.”

“Let’s just get out of here.” Between the two of us, Coop and I grab all the bags and suitcases while the girls amuse themselves. Faith doesn’t even seem fazed by her swollen eye. I suppose her pain tolerance has probably grown over the years, along with her clumsy limbs. The minute we set foot on the plane, I’ll have them bring an icepack for her. Depending on how it looks when we get to the ski lodge, I can call in a doctor to take a look at it. At least for now, she seems happy.

I’ve never been so happy to check a suitcase in my life. Navigating the first-class lounge is easier without a giant cock pump advertisement. Lucky for me, Coop threw the actual device in the trash, so I’m spared that humiliation from this point on.

The flight goes by quickly, and I half-consider not grabbing my bag from the carousel, but then my picture holding the fucking pump would be going around and around for everyone to see. It seemed the lesser of two evils just to pick up the damn thing and make like a tree. I’ll be buying a new suitcase for the flight home.

When we arrive at our lodge, my earlier embarrassment is long forgotten. I switch my phone off to avoid seeing any social media frenzy surrounding the debacle at the airport. It can wait. The snow-capped mountains are breathtaking, and this lodge is amazing. All the home comforts you could want while on vacation with an awesome view of the ski slopes.

After putting our bags in the bedroom, Faith slips into something more comfortable—an oversized Gryffindor sweatshirt and yoga pants. Not exactly what I had in mind, but damn, she looks hot in anything. Laying back on the bed, I watch as she moves around the room, throwing her hair up in a messy bun and removing her contacts in favor of glasses. It looked sore when she had to get the contact out of her swollen eye, taking at least five attempts to remove it. Even with a black eye, she’s every bit the sexy librarian when she wears her glasses.

She turns to see me eyeing her with a greedy stare.

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