Page 65 of The System

“Um… Kieran. You’re not gay. That’s the problem. You’re also not bi, as far as I know. You’re not queer or anything other than straight. And we talked about our fun college years – or, rather, my fun college years, where I kissed a few girls at parties and even felt one up under the bra once – but you never confessed to even kissing anyone other than Diego during those usual years of exploration or any time after. Even when you two were apart, I don’t think you went on a single date.”

“I’ve never been with a woman, no, and I’m not gay.”

“Okay. Then, explain to me how, when you’re telling me what the main, biggest, most important problem in this scenario between you and Carina is, you mention the case and not the fact that she’s a woman and you’re not attracted to her?”

Kieran flopped onto her bed and said, “I can’t.”

“Shit. Really? You’re into her? You’re into a woman?”

“I don’t know. It’s confusing. She’s trying to put my twin sister in prison for something I don’t think Marin actually did.”

“But that’s changing the subject back to the case, and we’re talking about how you might be into a woman for the first time ever. First time ever, right?”

“Yes, it’s the first time ever.” Kieran laughed. “But I don’t even know if I’m really into her.”

“Oh, I think you do. If we’re talking like this, you do,” Ruthie said. “Can I get a venti iced caramel latte with extra caramel and a blueberry scone?”

“What?”

“Hold on,” Ruthie told her. “Thank you.”

“What?” she repeated.

“I’m not talking to you, Kieran. Give me a second.”

Kieran waited while she listened to the cacophony of sound from Ruthie’s end of the phone as people stopped by the coffee shop to pick up their morning drink and breakfast.

“Okay. I’m back. There’s a hearing, right?”

“Yes, today. It’s about some evidence Carina wants to get admitted in that could hurt Marin.”

“And you’re into this woman?”

“Ruthie, I’m being serious here.”

“I know you are. And I know things are crazy for you right now, which is why there’s no progress on my app, but that’s totally fine. Do you want to grab a drink later and talk about this in person, though? I feel like you’re going through a lot, and I should be there for you.”

“Weirdly, Carina’s been there for me.”

“Because she wants to sleep with you,” Ruthie suggested.

“I don’t think that’s it.”

“No, that’s it.”

Kieran laughed and replied, “I mean, I guess so, yes. She likes me like that, so… probably. But I think it’s more than that. She wouldn’t risk her case and maybe her career just for sex, and especially with someone who has no real experience.”

“You’ve slept with Diego about a million times.”

“I think you’re overestimating the number of times Diego and I had sex. But I meant being with a woman. If she was going to risk things for sex with someone, it wouldn’t be someone like me, who isn’t likely to... you know… get her there.”

“Hey, you don’t know that,” Ruthie said. “I’ve never been with a woman outside of the under-the-bra stuff a thousand years ago, but I remember talking to that girl about it. She said I’d just do what I liked myself, and we’d go from there. I even thought about it for a second before I realized that girls weren’t for me, but I think that’s a good place to start. Wait.” Ruthie paused then. “Are you thinking about that? Sex with Carina?”

“Well, I wasn’t,” Kieran said. “I thought something was different about her and that I liked her, and– Okay, maybe for, like, a second, I did think about what kissing her might be like, but that was it.”

“Until?”

“She’s standing in my living room, telling me that she feels something for me, and I’m telling her that I’m recently divorced. That’s why I said nothing could happen. I think I saw her smirk, and she didn’t say anything, but I know what that smirk was about.”

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