Page 117 of Raven

At least work is somewhat distracting. Until—seriously, this is torture—Dr. Hodges starts a conversation about relationships.

It’s late night, and I’m working the front desk, sorting through the files, when Dr. Hodges walks up.

“How are you, Maddy?” he asks as he leans on my desk and takes his glasses off.

“Fine,” I say quietly.

He shouldn’t even be here at this time, and his last patient was two hours ago, but he is the sort of person who likes to work late and do research.

“You haven’t been fine in a while,” he says as he slowly and meticulously wipes his glasses with a cloth.

I have the utmost respect for Dr. Hodges, but here we go—another person telling me how I feel, like they are my personal shrink.

“Back in the day,”—he puts his glasses on and leans on the desk—“I worked at a fighting association for a year or so."

"I didn’t know that.”

“It's not as traumatic as working in the emergency room.” He chuckles softly. “But that's not why I'm telling you that. I saw plenty of men who make a living and career breaking others’ bones. Plenty of men who made a living breaking others’ lives, too. It’s unusual, but some of the most charming men can be complete jerks and sadists. Some of the toughest, most brutal men I met had the most caring personalities. You learn it when you work with people. Men especially. We are conditioned to be tough.”

I nod. “We’ve all been conditioned by the Change to be tough.”

He looks at me thoughtfully for some time. “You know what I think humans’ biggest flaw is?”

I don’t stop sorting the files on the desk but raise my eyes at him. His gaze is sad, somehow. For a moment, I wonder if this has something to do with his personal life back on the mainland.

“What is it?” I finally press.

“Not seeing past your own feelings and losing perspective.”

“Hmm.”

“I had a fighter once. Champion fighter. Six foot five. Body of a Hercules. His girlfriend was this tiny, charming girl, half his height. His hand could wrap around her waist. I joked to her once, wondered how he doesn't squeeze the life out of her by accident in his sleep. She laughed. ‘He is a gentle giant,’ she said. ‘Total puppy with me. I love him. It's funny how men only let their loved ones see their soft side.’ They were madly in love, those two. He was a world boxing champion. He was… tough in the ring. Brutal, yes. But when I was taking care of him after the fights, she was always there, and he was a different person. He might have just pummeled someone half to death, but the way he looked at her was…” Dr. Hodges exhales at the memory. “… as if he was ready to lie down on hot coals and let her walk all over him.”

I smile. “It’s a great story.”

I wonder if he’s saying this because of Raven. Dr. Hodges has seen him around, asked me about us.

"Are they still together?" I ask. There’s gotta be a moral to this story.

"She died of cancer. A week later, he took a bottle full of sleeping pills."

My heart twists, and in seconds, my eyes burn.

Dr. Hodges clears his throat and straightens up. “What I’m saying is that women are much better at dealing with feelings. Men tend to lose perspective. In this way, women are much stronger than us.” He smiles sadly.

When he walks away, I bite my lower lip and sit for the longest time, mindlessly flicking the file pages in front of me and trying really hard not to cry.

44

RAVEN

Three weeks have passed since the meeting at Archer’s place when Archer and Alex Ortiz finally produce a verdict.

“It’s time we handled this Tsariuk situation,” Ortiz says at one of our meetings. “I don’t think we have an option.”

I should care, but it’s not up to us, not the first step. “Why are we not discussing it with her?”

Her meaning Maddy. Or Milena. This whole double identity is fucking with me more and more lately, considering everyone knows about it, and we all get mixed up with calling her Maddy and Milena interchangeably.

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