Page 116 of Raven

“What’s that?” I ask, trying to distract myself from crying with Thai food and random conversations.

“The Secret Garden,” he says.

“Yeah? Are you reading it?”

“I can’t,” he admits with a little pout. “I will, soon. Wanna read Rave’s books. Wanna be like him when I grow up.”

I look away, my heart squeezing so tightly at the mention of him again and this little guy seeing the best in a man who could probably learn something from this kid’s straightforwardness.

I put the food on two plates for Little and me.

“Spicy calamari!” he reminds me from the couch.

“I know, I know. Come eat.” I set the plates on the kitchen island and when we both sit next to each other, I can’t help but ask Little, “What’s his house like?”

His eyes dart to me with anticipation like I just suggested going there. “Rave’s?”

“Yeah.”

He shrugs. “’S all right. Nothing much there. Books. Many books.”

“Hmm.”

“I’m gonna read ‘em all one day.”

And I am going to clean after dinner, then sit on the dark balcony and have a discussion with Raven, if only in my mind, for the gazillionth time in two weeks.

Raven never asked me if I wanted to come to his place, like I wasn’t worthy. He never asked me if I wanted him. And when he realized he didn’t have a say anymore, he still asserted, “You want me.”

All I wanted was for him to tell me that he wanted me in his life, and not just for the sake of having a regular fuck. But he thinks admitting that he wants me is a weakness. I think it’s cowardice.

Everyone knows about Rave and me now. And everyone gets under my skin about it.

Even Kai suddenly asks me about him the next day as we sit on their patio with Callie, Ty, Ya-Ya, and I watch them grill steaks, but all I think is about my phone in my pocket and whether I should be the bigger person and send Raven a text. Missing him was never supposed to be so painful.

“Why are you asking about him?” I ask Kai, and Callie exchanges awkward glances with Ty.

“Because something is up with you and him.”

“Is there?”

“Maddy, seriously…” He stares me down like it’s a competition until I shrug and snap, “What?”

“He is a mess.”

“Is he?”

“Yes. And I don’t even know him that well. We shoot guns now and then. He always seems so sharp, so alert. He is like a panther pouncing around the jungle. The other day…” Kai exchanges glances with Ty. “We saw him on the beach, wanted to chat. He was… He was drunk, Maddy. On edge. Like he is losing his shit. Trust me, I saw that in Crone when he was binging. When you hit that edge, it’s a fine line between sanity and making a split-second decision to fuck things up and your life too while you are at it.”

Poetic. But that’s Kai. The fight with Crone and Callie and the fire accident back in college gave him some sharp edges, and he still managed to dull them and worked through the personal trauma to be the awesome human being that he is.

But my thing with Raven is none of his business. No one’s really.

What makes it hard to go through every day is being with friends, seeing them happy and carefree, while I want to turn into a puddle on the floor.

So, I leave early and call to pick up a night shift at the medical center.

Even Ali and Nilanski, who take shifts following me around every day, remind me of Rave.

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