Page 72 of Secrets & Sake

“He was twenty-five. Fucked up, right?”

Hiro stiffens next to me. “What the hell. You were just a kid.”

“I was technically legal when we first hooked up.” I don’t know why I’m still making excuses for Takada.

“In the eyes of the law, yeah, but mentally, you were still a kid, Raiden.” Hiro sounds repulsed. “He was old enough to know better. Way better.” Anger ignites his voice, and something inside me basks in his protective anger.

I wish I’d known him so much sooner.

I might not have sought out affection from someone like Takada. Wouldn’t have let him get his claws into me if I’d just had someone I could turn to.

“We hooked up on my birthday. It was my first time being with a guy. He made it feel special. Told me I was special. That he cared about me.” I swallow around the sudden ache in my throat. “I believed him. Soaked up all his shit like a damn sponge.” How could I have believed a word he ever told me? Why was I so stupid?

“I thought he…” I can’t even say the words. I lean my cheek on Hiro’s hair and inhale his sweet scent, let it wrap around my heart. “I don’t know. Cared about me. I did anything just to get him to look my way, to acknowledge me. Anything he wanted. No matter how much it hurt me, or… or other people.” I can barely get the words out as the shame clogs my throat.

“What do you mean?” Hiro asks. Both his arms are around me now, but it’s not suffocating. The warmth of his body is a shield, keeping the cold of my past at bay.

I want so badly to tell him, but my heart’s racing so fast. He’ll hate me. He’ll see me differently. This poison has been festering inside me for years, and I just want it out. Exhaling roughly, I let go, and the words come out of me in a rush I can’t stop.

“One day, I went with him on a job. We were just supposed to be collecting fees. This old man, Suwabe, owned a little shop. He was nice to us, all things considered. Always paid on time. But the day we visited, he was strapped. Asked if we could just wait a few days. Takada refused, said he wanted the money now. I felt bad, so I tried to get Takada to lay off the old guy until he could pay, and…” I swallow hard. “Whatever I said just set him off. Maybe it was that I didn’t side with him. I don’t know.”

The memories crash over me. I’m watching as Takada towers over the old man and beats him half to death. Again and again. There’s blood everywhere. I can’t move. I’m frozen. I can’t reconcile the man before me, covered in blood, smiling as he beats a defenseless old man to death, with the man who held me so tenderly last night.

“I couldn’t move. I was just frozen as he was laying into this guy. I asked him to stop. I begged him to stop. Finally, I hauled him off Suwabe, but it was—there was so much blood. Takada was covered in it, and he looked at me like he was going to bludgeon me, too.

“Takada put a knife in my hand,” I say, feeling my mate tense against me. “And told me to hurt him. He said if I did this, I would be a worthy mate for him. But if I was weak, if I refused, then he couldn’t be with me anymore. It was like the mask he was wearing crumbled, and I saw him for who he really was. Not a man, or even a monster, just… a void. This black fucking void full of nothing but darkness. He wanted to drag me down into the dark with him and keep me there, until I was nothing but darkness, too. And I…”

I grind my teeth, hating what I’m about to say. “I wanted to. I wanted to hurt this nice old man who’d never done a damn thing to me. I wanted to do everything he asked of me, be whatever he wanted, just so long as it meant I wasn’t alone anymore.”

Hiro takes in a slow breath. “Did you hurt him?”

I remember taking the knife, how cold it was. Remember how Takada smiled, how excited he was as he told me where to cut, where to hurt so he’d scream. Remember the pulse beating in Suwabe’s throat, fluttering like the wings of a caged bird. How scared he was, the smell of his fear, how trapped he was. How alike he was to me. Trapped like I was trapped. I’d wanted Takada’s attention, wanted something that had felt a lot like love for someone so young and messed up. But I’d known if I did this, there’d be no going back. My soul would be as black as Takada’s.

“I told you I’ve never killed an innocent person. I wasn’t lying to you. I dropped the knife on the ground and walked out.” Hiro exhales against me, and I take a moment to breathe with him. “I told Namikawa what Takada had done. He got Takada kicked from the gang.”

“Did you regret it?”

“Not killing Suwabe? No. But for years, I wished things had ended differently between us. Until I got older and realized how he’d used me. Until I realized how much better I felt without him. Like I could finally breathe. I just wish I’d never…” There’s a lump in my throat. “I wish I’d never let him touch me.”

Hiro kisses my neck. “I’m so sorry.”

I suck in a gulp of air, breathing in his scent. “I wish I’d known you sooner.”

“So do I,” Hiro admits, pulling me into the sanctuary of his arms.

I wish I could tell my younger self that one day, he’d find someone who will hold him and tell him that he cares.

I wish I could tell that broken, lost boy that real love doesn’t feel like darkness.

It feels like sunshine and smells like cherry blossoms blooming after the longest, coldest winter.

Love. Is that what this is?

Do I… do I love Hiro? Or what if I’ve got it all wrong all over again?

“I’m not a good person, Hiro.” I whisper the words into his hair. “I was ready to kill an innocent person. I held the knife in my hands. I gave serious thought to hurting him, all so Takada would love me. Even then, I’ve still got blood on my hands. Blood of other yakuza. Blood of the people I’ve beaten when they wouldn’t pay what they owe. You deserve to know that.”

Hiro cups my cheeks. “You were groomed, Raiden. You were a kid, and you were used by a monster. You were forced into a life you never wanted. Yes, you’ve hurt people. You’ve killed people. I won’t deny that. I know what you’ve done. But I also know that nobody’s ever made me feel as safe as you do. There’s no one I trust more than you.”

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