Page 72 of Taste of Fate

“I never wanted you to know how fucked up I really am,” he went on. Every word seemed to scrape and fight its way out of his throat. “I thought if you got close to me, if you knew, you’d be so let down by me that you’d leave. You deserve much better from a blood mate. That was why I lied, why I avoided you and pushed you away.” A mirthless huff of laughter left his lips. “I’m quite the self-fulfilling fucking prophecy, aren’t I?”

I backed up a few steps and sat on the edge of my bed, reeling from all this pain and insecurity from the last person I expected to hear it from. He kept this fear hidden deep underneath flirtatious quips and an easy, charming personality. It was such an abrupt shift that I was completely lost for words.

“Cyan…why do you feel this way about yourself?”

He came toward me and knelt on the floor at my feet. Without thought, I reached for his hand and held it in my lap, finding that my anger had been temporarily deflated.

Staring at our joined hands, he said, “I’m the reason Kalix got locked up.”

“Kalix? Your friend who turned Bea into a brusang?”

Cyan nodded. I rubbed his hand and he seemed to draw comfort from it. “We were in a meeting with her boss. The sadistic fucker cut her throat open because she accidentally spilled a drink. She was dying and Kal immediately went to turn her, to save her.”

Bea had already told me this, but I didn’t dare interrupt him. It sounded like he was getting this off his chest for the first time since it happened.

“That asshole was furious that Kal was trying to save the human he had just murdered, so he lunged to attack Kal. I didn’t think, I just acted. I blocked him from reaching Kal, took the letter opener, and stabbed him in the chest with it.” Cyan touched his own chest as he seemed to relive the moment in his mind. “It wasn’t made of silver, but it went right through his heart. And I’d just made things a lot more complicated for us by murdering the head of another clan.”

“Their clan wanted retribution, naturally. And I was terrified. In an act to protect my best friend, I threw Blood 'til Dawn into a conflict we had been desperately trying to avoid. We were negotiating an alliance and I fucked it all up. And then…”

Cyan’s voice became even rougher, his breaths shaking slightly. I squeezed both of his hands in my lap, and only then did he seem to find the words.

“Kal took the fall for me. He said he would claim responsibility for the kill and turn himself in. They would get their scapegoat and we would keep the peace.”

Cyan’s eyes closed on another ragged breath.

“I begged him not to. He was my mentor, my best friend, and I needed him. I was scared out of my fucking mind, but I was willing to own up to what I did. I wanted to step up and take responsibility. But Kal…he wouldn’t let me throw my life away. There was no changing his mind. He convinced Thorne it was the right thing to do, and it was done. The only other option was a civil war and we’d worked so hard to avoid that. So Kal went away. The last thing he told me was to look after Bea and to live a good life.”

Cyan drew my hand to his right side, just under the vow he made to his clan. The one he’d vaguely mentioned was in remberance of someone when I first saw it.

“I couldn’t bring myself to speak Kal’s name, so I carved it with a silver blade. I did it slowly, dragging it out to make it as painful as possible. And it still wasn’t enough of a punishment.”

He looked up, his gaze meeting mine and focusing on me for the first time since he started talking. “I’ve never been able to forget that I’m the one who should have faced those consequences. Do you understand now, Tavi? I don’t deserve a good life. I don’t deserve you. No matter how much I ache with wanting you. You’re the most fascinating, brave, and beautiful person I’ve ever met. I never should have lied. I…I was trying to make you realize that you should hate me.”

“I think I knew you were pushing me away,” I said after a long silence to take everything in. “I just didn’t know why.”

“Well, now you know.”

“Cyan…” I leaned forward a few inches to rest my forehead on his, and was relieved when he didn’t pull away. “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you do deserve happiness?”

He let out a dry, mirthless laugh. “After we woke up in bed together, I never wanted that feeling to end. To spend my days pleasing you and drinking that delicious wine from your veins? Tavi, I would love nothing more than to live in the fantasy that I might actually be worthy of you. But I’m not.”

“It doesn’t have to be a fantasy,” I argued, trying to not get swept up in his words. “This can be real if you’d stop getting in your own way. I’m your blood mate. Biologically, I’m meant for you. And I…” My heart pounded a furious beat, stealing my breath for a moment. “I don’t want any other vampire. I want to be with you.”

“You deserve bett?—”

“Don’t tell me what I deserve.” I’d cut him off so abruptly that I surprised myself. “Look, I get it. Kal sacrificed himself for you. I know it’s a heavy burden to deal with, Cyan, but Kal made that choice. He didn’t have to do it, but he did because he loved you. His choice is not a failing on your part, I promise you. He loved you, he wanted you to have a good life, and that’s the only thing you fucked up. By convincing yourself you don’t deserve any happiness because he’s gone and you’re still here, you’re denying your best friend what he wanted. And you know what? You’re also denying me what I want.”

I had to stop for a beat, but I wasn’t even close to being done with talking. There was so much to get off my chest, most of which I hadn’t even realized until this very moment.

“All my life, I’ve put aside my own wants. I’ve been a cog in a machine. A shield that got battered by protecting others. I sacrificed a lot for Amy, so I get where Kal was coming from. And I’m so sorry you lost him. You’re entitled to grieve and feel sad.”

I pressed a hand to Cyan’s cheek, feeling the muscle in his jaw twitch with a swallow. “But don’t make his choice your burden. Don’t deny what he wanted for you.” A shaky breath left my mouth. “I was happy to put aside my wants before. None of them were important as long as Amy was safe. But this,” I squeezed our joined hands, “this is important. You are important. You make me feel seen and appreciated for who I am. You, Cyan of Blood 'til Dawn, my blood mate, are all I want. I know, just like Kal knew, that you deserve love and happiness. If you need reminders of that, I’ll give them to you. Every single day.”

There was a long stretch of silence before he spoke. “After what I said to you, how I hurt you, you’re telling me you still want this?”

“Well.” I measured my response carefully. “Since we’re getting so much out in the open, do you regret what you said?”

“Yes.” His face was solemn, his eyes flashing with emotion. “Fuck variety, I don’t want it. Those other desires vanished the moment I tasted the perfection that was you. Honestly, I started losing my taste for others when I first brought you home. I tried to fight it, but fighting only made me ache harder for you. Being around you brought joy and contentment that I’ve never had before. When I heard you rode out here alone, I was more scared of losing you than I was of being locked up for murder. It made me realize that instead of pushing you away, I should have been bettering myself.”

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