Page 67 of Just Between Us

Something falters inside me. Questions I don’t have an answer to rising to the surface. I want more, although I know I shouldn’t. I feel that familiar panic rise within me. Suddenly, the lights are too bright, the feeling of hands on my skin burning.

I try to breathe through it, try to sort the sticky mess that coagulates in my head, but I can’t. Adam’s face appears in my mind, the way he laughed like I was being ridiculous for believing they would ever want me.

You don’t belong here, Kai, a voice whispers in the back of my head. It sounds like Kenny, like Adam, like every single nightmare I’ve had.

I shouldn’t be here. I need to go.

I whimper against Cole’s mouth, tears stinging the corners of my eyes, but I force myself to stop myself from crying.

I just need to say it. I need to stop this.

“Stop,” I whisper against Cole’s mouth.

I can’t breathe. Pain shoots through me like a splinter is lodged in my chest. I break away, taking in a quiet breath to say a word I never thought I needed in the first place.

“Vanilla.”

Cole immediately lets me go and Levi goes still. Another stab of pain shoots through me, but I ignore it, blinking away my tears.

“Did I hurt you?” Levi asks softly.

I shake my head. Hot tears flood my eyes again. “No,” I say. “No. I just—Can we talk?”

We sit by the kitchen island, Cole dressed in black sweatpants that sling low on his hips. His perfectly muscled torso makes a perfect V of tan skin and perfect muscle. Levi on the other hand is all lean muscle in his shorts. He’s wearing his glasses, and he still hasn’t gotten a haircut so his hair fans his brow and falls into his eyes.

I’m back in my jeans and sweater from earlier and I can see the slight hint of concern on Levi’s face. Cole leans against the counter, next to Levi, arms crossed but I can’t read what he’s thinking. I swallow, not knowing where to begin, not when they look like this, covered in bruises, grip marks, and messy hair.

“Kai, is everything okay?” Levi asks first.

My eyes land on his hand, slotted loosely in Cole’s. If you weren’t paying attention, you wouldn’t notice Cole tilted into Levi. Adam’s words ring in my mind again. Cole is like Levi’s shadow, eyes constantly focused on him. I think I selfishly began to want that for me too.

I try to find the right words. Everything seems stupid. It doesn’t matter to them. Ending this shouldn’t be a big deal.

“I’m sorry,” I start.

They both look at me, the confusion obvious on their faces.

My insides churn. I want the ground to swallow me up, but I try again. “I’m sorry I can’t be what you want me to be anymore.”

They still look confused. “What we want you to be?” Levi repeats. “Kai...”

I shake my head. Nothing is coming out right. “I mean,” I breathe, “I know my place in this arrangement. I always have and that’s why I wanted to do it. I chose to do this, and so I know I don’t get to want certain things. I don’t get to want…” I trail, swallowing. I can’t look at them, so I push on.

“Something has changed for me. I guess I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m sorry if I’m letting you down. It’s just–I can’t anymore,” I swallow, fighting the stinging tears that threatened to spill. “I’m sorry.”

“Kai—” Levi begins.

I shake my head. “It’s okay. I want you two to be happy. I want to make you happy, but this isn’t making me happy.”

It’s quiet for a moment. I swallow, finally looking at them through the tears that threaten to spill. “I can’t see you anymore,” I whisper. “I’m sorry.”

The words are like hot ash on my tongue. I hate the way they feel. I wish I could take them back and go back upstairs and forget any of this happened.

Levi walks over to me but stops just short of me.“We aren’t making you happy?”

I feel myself nod even if that’s not it exactly. I’m happy when I’m around them, euphoric even, but like a drug, I’m miserable when I’m not. I want to go back to when I was oblivious. When I thought that this was exactly what I wanted. It was an easier existence. Getting fucked silly and forgetting everything just for a while.

“I’m sorry we make you sad,” Levi says. He places a hand on my cheek and rubs his thumb. It’s not much but my anxiety eases, if only a fraction.

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