Page 72 of Kadra: The Unfeeling

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Now that I’m older I know the truth. The sky didn’t bleed for me that day. Not really. That was all in my mother’s confused head. The truth is that at sunset, when the sunlight travels a long path through the atmosphere to reach our eyes, the blue light has been mostly removed, leaving mostly red and yellow light remaining. That is all. That’s the boring truth. Nothing special about my birth at all. A warrior wasn’t born that day.

I never told her that, though.

I kept it to myself. My mother never did well facing hard truths. Just as much as I couldn’t bring myself to burst her happy bubble the short periods of time when she was sober and not so neglectful. My mother was a dreamer like Mila but unlike my little sister who was strong and faced adversity with a kind heart, life wasn’t that generous with Renata. Our mother was the type of dreamer who never quite got her head out of the clouds too afraid of her reality. I don’t blame her. Maybe that makes me weak.

My love for her made me weak too but at times it did make me strong. It was never quite simple with my mother.

Stirring away from the depressing thoughts of my mother, I closed the book on my lap and put it down on the coffee table next to me with a loud sigh. Dropping my head back on the love seat, I take a deep breath and when I open my eyes that’s when I look out the window and a small figure catches my attention. Sitting straight I lean forward and I spot Azariel working on his knife throwing skills with both Grim and Crow comfortably. It’s a relief that little by little he has gotten closer with Vitali and my men.

I know my men will have his back even if I’m not here. I trust them that much.

Staring at him he looks so small standing next to both men yet so confident.

He’s even better than I was at that age.

The thought doesn’t make me feel envious like I would if it came to anyone else but instead I feel pride. So proud. Everything he does makes my chest ache lately. The damn kid has superpowers or something because how can I explain that in this short amount of time he did what no one except the Russian has done.

He penetrated my iron clad walls and claimed broken pieces of my heart for himself and has been slowly putting them back together since. They won’t ever be the same. No. But at least I’m a little more whole than I was before.

Speaking about the Russian… all thoughts from last night flash through my mind. Vitali. The movie seemed so silly but the meaning hit deep. The way he looked at me was as if he had been waiting a long time for me and I finally arrived. He looks at me as if he’s been waiting his whole life for me.

I know the feeling.

I missed him at dinner and I worried that something was wrong yet I continued dinner with just Azariel and when he went to bed I planned on doing the same until I found myself in front of my door but instead of calling it a night, my feet led me straight to his instead.

When I knocked on his door I was hoping he wouldn’t answer but I had no such luck. Then I found him sprawled in bed like a king with his computer on his lap and a look on his face that made me believe he was waiting for me. As if somehow, he knew I would knock on his door at any second. He was right.

I must be losing my mind because next thing I knew I was entering his room and laying down in bed with him. I’m losing my mind. That must be it.

Keep telling yourself that…

Ignoring the annoying voice, I think of how I woke up in his bed and it was still dark outside. It was a little over three in the morning. Still, it was one of the longest sleeps I had and not one nightmare attacked me while I slept.

He did that.

He held me in his arms while I slept and without a doubt that was the best sleep I’d had since I was a kid.

He gave me peace even if it was for only a few hours.

It’s not normal to feel so much for someone I haven’t even kissed. Someone I haven’t touched intimately. Not that I don’t think about it. I do. More than I care to admit. I find myself thinking about him when he’s not nearby. I wonder if he’s okay. What he is doing. I also hate that I wonder if he thinks of me too.

That’s why I put distance between us today to try and get my head straight but it didn’t work. It never does. Not even the years could erase him. I don’t think anything will.

So why try? Trying to stop this feeling in my chest he invokes in me it’s like trying to stop a moving train. Like trying to contain an erupting volcano that’s only goal is to burn everything in sight.

It’s impossible.

I couldn’t fall back asleep, so I locked myself in the gym and then once everyone was up, I spent all my day with Azariel. I helped him with his first assignment that his private tutor gave him. Well, I sat there watching him do it himself. It was silly of me to think he needed my help. Azariel is way ahead for his age. Pride courses through every molecule in my body while I watched him with his brows pull low scribbling on the piece of paper. He reminds me so much of the same look Vitali has whenever he’s doing his nerd thing on his computer. Their resemblance is uncanny. Perhaps that’s why I was drawn to Azariel the first time. Why I chose him out of all the other kids who like him ended up in the streets after experiencing hell.

Looking down as he maneuvers sharp knives, I recall his words from before. Vitali says you should do something nice for someone who was kind to you.

Kindness.

I’ve hardened myself so much that now the thought of being kind troubles me. It’s not something I’m good at. At least I don’t think so.

But when I think hard about what kindness looks like to me. My thoughts go to my Russian.

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