Page 60 of Kadra: The Unfeeling

My strong, brave heart.

Chapter 19

KADRA

SWEET MONSTER

“He’s a ten but he bites.” — K

“What is that, Kadra?” My father asks while pointing at the brown stuffed bear in my hands. The one given to me at school by Ms. Dolores. She’s the nicest of all my teachers but she’s also the one that asks the most questions. Questions I can’t answer. “Give me that.” Gabriele rips the bear from my arms and looks down at it in disgust. “Are you playing with toys?” His voice became eerily calm. He usually sounds this way right before a punishment.

So, I remain quiet because it only gets worse when I talk back. He acts as if he wants me to talk and answer his questions but it’s all a trick. Once, I opened my mouth and he backhanded me across the face.

And if I cried?

He would just laugh and would tell me to grow up.

So, I stay quiet but he doesn’t like that either.

He hates it when I talk but he also gets mad when I stay silent.

He then tears my bear apart and all I can do is hold back the tears as I watch him ruin the only thing that’s ever brought me comfort when days are sad.

Mr. Bug Eyes lies on the floor with all its stuffing next to it and a missing eye. I didn’t name him. Ms. Dolores did.

Dropping down to the floor, I pick my bear up and hug him to my chest.

That was the first time my father ruined something that I loved but it would not be the last.

I learned quickly that he couldn’t hurt me if I didn’t have anything to care about. So, I learned to hide my emotions and pretend.

I was only five years old.

Too young to witness firsthand just how cruel the world could be.

* * *

I open my eyes. Sweat drenches me. My heart is racing as if I’ve been running a marathon and every part of my body still aches. But I know I’m in my bed, and from the soft light in the room, I can see its early morning.

As soon as my eyes focus, I start to wonder what happened yesterday. Everything is a blur. All I remember is waking up and feeling like I was dying. Both physically and mentally. I haven’t had that bad of a day in a while.

My chest begins to ache when I think of what it all means. The reminder that time is running out.

Frowning, I release a deep breath. “What happened yesterday?” I don’t miss the bottles of pills and cloth on top of the nightstand.

Then everything comes to me like a flood.

The ugly memory.

The throbbing pain.

The rain.

Me, outside soaking wet while a storm broke out.

Then vivid images of Vitali flash through my mind and hit me all at once. Him covering me from the rain with his umbrella.

His angry and hurt tone when he whispered, why do you do this to yourself, Moya dusha?

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