Page 137 of Kadra: The Unfeeling

“No!”

“Fuck.”

I tune out their voices and focus on the hell and carnage all around me.

Only on that.

In all this craziness, a smile settles on my face, because the nightmare is finally over.

If you ask me if I would have done it differently I would tell you the truth.

No, I would not.

Because this path of carnage, tears, and blood led me to my one day in the sun even if it was just for a little while.

It was more than I could’ve ever dreamed and hoped for.

My one day in the sun was them.

My light and my dark.

Always them.

“I’ll follow you there! You go in there, I’ll follow you and then we’ll both be fucking dead.” Vitali barks, shaking me to my core. I keep my eyes closed, trying hard not to fall on my knees. I need to be strong for them. “There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. No one I wouldn’t kill for you.” There he is. The unfeeling mask has fallen. “Now take my fucking hand and let’s be done with this.” He sounds closer now but I don’t dare open my eyes. If I do, I won’t be able to leave him, leave them all behind. Gathering all the little strength I have left, I turn my back on the people I love and take a step toward the burning building “I fucking love you, baby. Don’t do this to my heart. You’ll be killing me too. You might as well fucking do it now!” His pain-filled words and his broken tone make me stumble as if I’ve been shot through the heart. The pain is unbearable. I can’t move.

Then what brings me down to my knees is the soft whisper of the little boy who almost died tonight because I made a mistake of trusting when I shouldn’t have.

“Don’t leave.” I sob down on the ground as tiny arms wrap around me. “I love you.” He whispers so only I can hear and that is what does it. What completely shatters my heart and puts it back together. Love squeezes me as I hold him closer to me. I break apart while this little boy that seems wiser beyond his years holds me. Then I feel stronger arms wrap around us pulling us closer and keeping us safe from the world in his strong embrace. “I’ll give you the world. I’ll fight it for you when you can’t do it yourself. You just have to stay. Stay with us, Moya dusha.” I lift my face and stare at the man I love more than my own life. Heartbreak was driven into every line of his expression. “Just stay, Kadra. Please.” His eyes locked onto mine. “I’ll get you through. Just don’t fucking go.” his voice breaks as more tears fall from my eyes.

I think of all that happened here tonight as I stare into his eyes. Those eyes I can’t get enough of.

I see Mikhail’s injured body lying on the ground while the flames burn stronger around him. The brother he lost and mourn each day of his life he lost it again because of me, because he chose me.

My breaths are painful as I relive that moment.

How will he ever look at me the same.

I hurt his brother. It’s because of me that he didn’t get the reunion he’s been fighting for so long.

What can I say that will make the pain of losing Mikhail hurt less?

There’s nothing I can say and do that will bring him back.

Nothing.

Chapter 40

KADRA

BITTERSWEET GOODBYES

“My heart will always

be yours.” — K

“I’m sick.” I don’t look his way when I tell him what I’ve been hiding from him. The reason why I was willing to die here tonight if it came down to it.

Cancer.

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