Page 151 of Kadra: The Unfeeling

Every guest in attendance fades into the background while we hold onto each other while our eyes tell each other a million things. “Forever starts today, baby.” I bend my neck and kiss her nose, making her laugh. That sweet sound is both my salvation and my ruin. Just like this woman. Both my disease and the cure.

In truth, forever started long before we met because I’m convinced we were written in the stars. Destiny. Fate. Whatever the hell it was… we were meant to be. Because I was made for this woman and she was made for me.

“Forever is not long enough, Russian…” she says in a husky tone with a smirk on her gorgeous face.

“Until the sun dies, then?” I suggest.

Her eyes gleam, her smile widens, and my heart rate spikes.

“Until the sun dies…” she whispers right before I grab her by the back of the neck and kiss her in front of every man in this room and for God to witness that she’s mine.

Until the sun dies… even then when the largest star in the sun no longer shines in our sky, I’ll be loving her.

KADRA

EPILOGUE TWO

As I hold the white gadget with the two little pink lines that confirms I’m going to be a mother, I think of the last memory I have of my mother. I think of what that night did to my heart and how it helped shape me into the person who left people before they ended up leaving me. I recall the night that I had no choice but to set my mother free. That night I didn’t leave but she left me.

“Mom…” I stopped in the hallway, trying to breathe. My chest was tight, and my stomach was churning. It’s been a bad day. One of the worst actually. I have a bruised rib and I think I might have a concussion but oddly I feel no pain. The only pain I feel is the one in my heart when I think of how I failed my sisters.

Arianna’s bloody nose and Mila’s tear-stained cheeks pop in my head fueling the anger and hatred that is slowly consuming me. I think of how Mom locked herself in her room just so she could keep Gabriele’s wrath from getting to her after she tried to stop Alessio’s attack on me tonight. It’s not the first time she came between me and Alessio or even Gabriele to stop them from hurting me and knowing her it won’t be the last. Because even though my mother is a user, she has those off moments when she’s lucid and she acts like a mom. I need her tonight but the sinking feeling in my gut makes me think something is really wrong. “Mom. Get out of bed.” My voice echoed in the quiet hallway but not a sound came from the other side of her closed bedroom door. I knock harder on her door, feeling desperate now. “Mom!” My voice is hoarse.

“Come in, baby.” My mother’s voice comes out weak. Weak and wrong.

Needing to see her, I wrap my hand around the doorknob and turn it. Pushing the door open, I step inside.

I find my mother lying on the white sofa next to her window, lips painted red and nails to match. Her skin is ghostly pale, a total contrast to her usually glowing skin. Mascara tears trail down her cheeks as she trains her sad gaze on me.

Crack.

There’s that pain in my chest that weakens me every time I see my mother cry. Today feels different though. The atmosphere reeks of devastation and… hopelessness. Walking towards her, I sit next to her on the sofa and wrap her in my arms. “What’s wrong, mommy?” Even though I am not a child anymore and I haven’t been for a while, witnessing this side of my mother always brings out the scared little girl who hates seeing her mother in pain. Who hates seeing her mother cry.

She’s cold.

My mother is never cold. At least not with me. That is the first sign that something is terribly wrong.

“I’m just so tired, baby.” Mom shuts her eyes and a shaky breath escapes her as I hold her closer. Then her eyes open and she looks me in the eye, hurting me more than any fist ever could. “I know I screwed up. I know I wasn’t a good mother, but I wanted to be, I really did.” She was crying, her words garbled by tears, Truth is that I always loved you the most. And I guess that’s a terrible thing for a mother to admit.”

I rub the blank space over my heart to ease the ache, but it doesn’t help.

“Don’t think about that now.” I rub her arms trying to warm her a little. “It’s all going to be okay tomorrow. You’ll see.” I lied to her because we both know it’s not going to be okay. Not tomorrow. Maybe not ever. I made my peace with it now.

“But that’s a lie, isn’t it, my heart?” Her tears fell faster now. “I-I” She chokes on her tears, so I lift her up in my arms, hugging her closer to me and pulling her hair back from her face.

“Don’t cry, mom. You’re…” I take a deep breath feeling vulnerable but not caring because this is my mom. She’s the only one I let see me break. “You’re breaking my heart.”

“You’re just like him… you know. You have his eyes and his spirit. My God you even have his talent.” she whispers but I pay her no mind. She’s in a vulnerable place right now so I just hug her tighter trying to comfort her. “I hurt, baby. I don’t want to hurt anymore.” she whispers harshly, crying some more. That’s when I noticed the bottle of pills in her lap.

A million thoughts flash through my mind as I contemplate what my mother is silently asking me.

A life without her, what would it look like?

Black. Pitch black. Because even though she’s not the mother she should’ve been, she’s still my mom and I love her. Love her in a way that hurts me just as much as it hurts her.

“Baby girl…” she croaks out, and I reach forward and wipe the tears away from her pretty eyes and watch as her eyes fall to my hands. To the scars there. She shudders in my arms then her eyes lock on mine. “I’m sorry, my heart. Maybe in another life, we can meet again?” she asks, sounding so hopeful yet broken. “We can live happily ever after just the four of us.” she smiles and reaches up to caress my cheek. But then she gently wipes a tear I didn’t notice falling from my eyes. “Will you find me, Kadra? Will you find me again?”

“Yeah, Mom, yeah I will.”

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