Page 79 of Lost in the Current of You

He hummed. “It’s definitely you. You look beautiful.”

“What do you think you’re doing in here?” I whisper-shouted, snapping out of my momentary stupor.

“Looking for you, obviously.”

I gave him a deadpan look.

He pressed his lips together and sighed. “I needed to talk to you. I left Liam somewhere in the shop, so I’ll try to be quick before he comes looking.”

I watched him silently, waiting as he chewed on the inside of his bottom lip and trailed his eyes toward the stack of clothes hanging on the wall to my left.

“I want to apologise for how I acted on my birthday. I wanted this year to be different. I thought spending it with you would make it better and I wouldn’t feel so alone as I usually am. I wanted to get my mind off everything, and being with you makes me forget everything. But sometimes, my head is too fucked up to escape, especially on my birthday.” He let out a broken chuckle and I wanted to wrap my arms around him, but I stood strong, listening to the rest of what he had to say.

“I needed to be alone for a while, that’s why I left you so suddenly after our tattoos. I planned to spend the whole day with you, but it was just one thing after the other knocking me down like dominoes with the aim of taking me down. I felt like I was drowning so I thought what’s best to block it all out? And I drowned it all with alcohol. Which, I realise, probably wasn’t the best decision. I’m not trying to make excuses, but I wanted you to know what I was going through and that I’m so sorry I had brought you down in the spiral I was heading in.”

He looked so drained, with his eyes sunken as he recollected his birthday with so much heartache. His hand rubbed the centre of his chest, shoulders hunched as he met my gaze with a pleading look. I took it as half to accept his apology and half reaching for help. I would’ve given it to him without so much as a thought because he deserved someone on his side.

I lifted my hands to cradle his face, fingers delicately tracing his temple and his eyes fluttered as he sunk into my touch.

“Reece,” I whispered, and his eyes pinched at the sound.

He reached up and wrapped his fingers around my wrists. “Please don’t pity me. I don’t deserve your sympathy.”

I expected him to pull my hands away, but he just kept our hands there as if to make sure I didn’t disappear. So, I skate my thumbs over his cheekbones.

“You deserve someone to lean on, though. I want to be that for you.”

His eyes fluttered open, meeting mine with a flood of unshed tears glistening in them. The shade of deep green I was used to was now a kaleidoscope of deep greens and yellows with the emotions reflecting in the eyes I was falling for.

He leaned forward, tucking his head into the crook of my neck as he released a shuddering breath. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he pulled me impossibly close to him, squeezing me tight with his arms wrapped around my waist.

“You are everything,” he murmured into my skin like a prayer. My mind added the unspoken words to me into my delusional world that the word us existed in. I held him a little tighter in return as I begged for them to come true.

I wanted to get his mind off the day that haunted him, wanting to help him fight the demons in his head as he clung to me.

“You know, my mother actually apologised to me last week,” I started and he took a deep breath but kept his head tucked next to mine. The touch of his lips along my neck almost short-circuited my brain, but I continued as I stared at the ceiling, the fact we were still in the dressing room a far away thought.

“She mentioned how she grew up and how she never wanted me to experience having nothing. She apologised for pushing me so much and that she would work on that. I actually think we’re on the road to patching things up between us.”

It was a moment before he lifted his head off my shoulder and rested his forehead against mine. The only tell that he was on the verge of tears was the puffiness in his eyes as they flicked between mine. A soft smile made its way to his lips and he tucked my hair behind my ears.

“I’m so happy for you, Kody,” he said, earnestly.

I held onto his arms and squeezed the muscles there, smiling back at him.

“You okay?” I asked, hoping my plan worked to calm his mind.

He knocked his nose against mine, his eyes slowly sparking back to life.

“With you, I know I always am.”

31

I wish life were as easy as dreaming up the perfect life and then delivered to you without question. None of this trial and error, and clawing your way up the world’s steepest mountain just for a moment of peace.

But that’s a bit of a spoilt mindset. It wouldn’t give me an appreciation for what I have worked for. I’m just sick of fighting for my life against my mind and the situation that I’ve entangled myself with. The guilt, the frustration, the wonder if I’m ever going to be good enough to be kept as anything other than a dirty secret.

The thing is, though, I felt so complete in his arms. It was quickly becoming my favourite place to be. The feeling of being home in a person’s arms had my heart pounding with a foreign feeling that I didn’t have enough energy to examine. I just felt at peace. But once he slipped out of arm’s reach, the guilt would quickly poke its way back into my mind. It haunted me every day, wondering when all this sneaking around would end.

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