Page 96 of Lost in the Current of You

I followed him out, my bags already piled next to the car on the pathway as he came back with a cart to place them on for me to easily transport them to check in. We loaded them in silence before he stepped back. He held his arms out for me, and I fell into his open embrace. His arms squeezed around me, and I didn’t want him to let go. If only I could forever have his hand in mine, guiding my way through life.

“You’ve grown up so fast, Dakota. Where has the time gone?” he mumbled against my hair, pressing a kiss there. I buried further into his embrace, tears pinching at the corner of my eye. “I’ll miss you so much, but I’m so, so proud of you, chook. All I’ve ever wanted for you is to be happy.”

God, that might have been more painful than having my heart broken. It was a close judgment.

Two lone tears sprung from my eyes as I quickly wiped them away.

He pulled away, holding my face between his hands, his eyes definitely watering at that point, with a few tear stains down his cheek. “Love you, chook.”

“Love you too, Dad,” I smiled wobbly before sniffling and pulling away.

He cleared his throat and waved his arm towards my suitcases. “Alright, well, you better get to your plane, check-in, whatever. You don’t want to be late.”

I waved him off as he drove away, and I took a deep breath.

The next hour was a blur. From checking in to going through security and then boarding the plane. Everything had been in slow motion until the moment I got that email and now, here I was, stepping through the airport doors, wishing for those slow moments back.

I nervously fumbled with the seat belt strapped across my waist as other people brushed past me to get to their seats. My eyes fleeted over each face, wondering if, by some miracle and in my imagination, I could find that one familiar face I still yearned to see.

It was almost like I could see it clearly. As if he was actually there, standing at the front of the plane out of breath and a little sweaty. His eyes would be crazed and wild, searching for me through every seat of the plane before they landed on me in the midsection and it would be like the relief lifted this weight off his shoulders.

He’d race up to me, dropping to his knees, and beg for my forgiveness. Beg me to stay. And I would in a heartbeat. I’d exit the plane, knowing he held my heart. I’d follow him anywhere.

But it wasn’t real. Of course, it wasn’t. He would never beg me. Never fight for me. He never had before. Why would he now?

And so I swallowed back the tears threatening to spill in front of all those strangers and messaged the one person I hadn’t been game to message since I got his number, hoping for a fresh start.

This would be good for me. I’d be able to forget all my mistakes and him and start over. Maybe this was all just an overreaction, and I could laugh about how stupid and naive I was in the future. I’d find love again, and I’d be happy.

I could do that, couldn’t I?

39

SIX YEARS LATER – PRESENT DAY

“You’ve been seeing me for just over three years now and have always shot down talking about what happened between you and this boy.” Her eyes were a comforting feeling, but right now, they pierce through me with accusations I’m not ready to admit. “Why now?”

I pick the skin around my thumb as they lay on my lap. I knew talking about this now would lead to this question, and I would have to open up more than just the simple story. Even after all these years and the weekly turned monthly therapy sessions, I’m still uncomfortable sharing the vulnerable parts of me. As the saying goes, once burnt, twice shy. However, for me, it’s more like twice burnt, thrice shy. Because apparently, I didn’t learn the first time.

But here, it should be a safe space. Just a lended ear that has no emotional connection to me.

So I take a deep breath and unload. “It’s been six years since I’ve been back in my hometown and I’m leaving tomorrow to go back for my dad’s wedding. But with the weeks leading up to it, all these memories and feelings have been stirring up, and I can’t help but feel unprepared for this.”

My therapist, Callie, smiles softly. “What makes you feel like you’re unprepared?”

I shrug. “I guess the familiarity of the place. I’ve had a lot of bad memories there, and I never thought I would have to return. But I would never miss my dad’s wedding.” I’m so happy for my dad. I’ve met the woman he has fallen for through many Facetime calls, and all I can do is feel happy for him because he deserves all the happiness. And I may feel a little envious of the way they look at each other and love so freely.

“I’m just scared of the walk down memory lane that I’ll have to do. Sleep in the same bed I fell in love in. Drive past the things I found enjoyment in and now despise.”

Callie was the first therapist I saw when I decided I needed someone to talk to four years ago. I was skeptical at first, thinking I shouldn’t really see a therapist because all I had was a broken heart and some emotions to work through. But she has validated me the whole way, and I have stuck with her ever since. I have told her everything.

Well, now I have.

I had mentioned a boy I had fallen in love with a few times, but anytime she wanted me to elaborate on what happened, I changed the subject. More often than not, to my mother. And even though what had happened during that summer was a big factor in my decision to talk to someone, I chickened out every time. My words clogged up my throat, refusing release.

But today, as soon as I sat down, Callie didn’t even have time to say a word before the words poured from my lips. Every single detail. Every glance, every kiss, every smile, every moment, and all the back and forth. It all came crashing down on the floor and absorbed in the white walls of this small office.

She knew me better than anyone, which is probably why there was a knowing smile growing on her lips right now.

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